This is going to be one seriously fucking pathetic post so if you don't have anything nice to say please just scroll on, I don't need any more negativity in my life!!!
I'm so fucking angry. I wish I could fucking kill myself. My life is so fucking pathetic and shit it's unreal.
I have nothing. Zero. Zilch. To enjoy. I have almost no interest in almost anything. And the few things I do have an interest in I'm FUCKING shit at. These are supposedly things I'm best at. But I'm a useless fucking cunt.
Everything in my life always goes wrong. Everything I try is a fucking disappointment. FUCK LIFE.
Programming. Electronics. Computers. Maths. Poker. Photography. All things I'm supposedly good at. But relative to who? Relative to people that matter, I'm a fucking nothing, a fucking nobody just a useless fucking cunt that doesn't compare. And things always go wrong. If there's a scam, chances are I'll fucking fall for it. If there's a really shit company, chances are I'll fucking choose to spend my money with them. My anger and depression are out of fucking control. My relationship is a fucking mess. I get fuck all affection from her, we argue often. Everything has to be her way.
I've been trying to kill myself on and off for 25 years but kinda given up. I've tried so many methods. All fucking failed. I can't even fucking manage to kill myself. Yet another fucking disappointment I have to live with. I don't know how much more I can fucking take. I am so fucking angry I feel like I could kill someone. Probably even over something completely fucking trivial. I need some fucking satisfaction. I can almost imagine how satisfying that would be. Temporary relief. Make someone pay for all the fucking shit I'm going through.
My luck is fucking atrocious. I've been avoiding programming etc because I'm just fucking shit and I'm always disappointed with what I write. It's a fucking mess. But my luck.... I must have just about the worst luck in the FUCKING WORLD. I used to enjoy playing poker. But for some time now, my bad luck has been fucking atrocious. You would not fucking believe the odds of getting the amount of bad luck I've had. I used to get a thrill out of winning at poker but nowadays I just lose, lose and fucking lose some fucking more. The odds of me having such bad luck are EASILY one in a fucking trillion. More like a trillion, trillion, trillion or worse. Playing for hundreds of hours and time and time again someone beats me with a 1 in 10 or 1 in 100 set of cards come up. I don't know why it affects me so much but it sends me into a fucking rage. All I want is a bit of fucking dopamine. Instead, I get this fucking SHIT. Appallingly bad luck. Again. And again. And again. Never fucking ending it seems. How the FUCK IS THIS POSSIBLE?? UN FUCKING REAL. I've given up on everything in my life, leaving very fucking little. And that very fucking little is absolutely fucking disappointing the fuck out of me. And I can't understate it. My anger levels about losing at poker are going through the fucking roof. But I'm addicted. Chasing the dopamine of winning which I basically am no longer getting because I don't fucking know maybe I must have broken some fucking mirrors while crossing a black cat's path walking under a fucking ladder. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Because I seem to have given up on everything other than poker, my mood directly correlates with how my poker games go. And I'm FUCKING MISERABLE because my losing streak is just UN FUCKING REAL. 100's of hours. HUNDREDS. Bad luck. Bad luck. Bad luck. More fucking bad luck. I'm desperate to feel good. But I'm not fucking getting what I need. I wish I could just fucking stop existing. Wish I could fucking kill myself.
Since my life is a fucking failure, and poker is fucking biased against me, what's left? Drugs. But even that isn't working out. I fucking love drugs. But getting them is another fucking story. I keep getting ripped off on the dark net. Even though all the reviews check out; spotless feedback; I keep getting sent duds. The hash is shit. The ketamine is shit. The pills are total duds. The shrooms and LSD literally did nothing. Every. Fucking. Time. How the fuck can they have such a high proportion of good reviews but be sending out shit?? IS IT JUST ME AND MY UNBELIEVABLE FUCKING LUCK? AM I FUCKING CURSED OR SOMETHING? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???????? I NEED A FUCKING ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so fucking angry. I wish I could fucking kill myself. My life is so fucking pathetic and shit it's unreal.
I have nothing. Zero. Zilch. To enjoy. I have almost no interest in almost anything. And the few things I do have an interest in I'm FUCKING shit at. These are supposedly things I'm best at. But I'm a useless fucking cunt.
Everything in my life always goes wrong. Everything I try is a fucking disappointment. FUCK LIFE.
Programming. Electronics. Computers. Maths. Poker. Photography. All things I'm supposedly good at. But relative to who? Relative to people that matter, I'm a fucking nothing, a fucking nobody just a useless fucking cunt that doesn't compare. And things always go wrong. If there's a scam, chances are I'll fucking fall for it. If there's a really shit company, chances are I'll fucking choose to spend my money with them. My anger and depression are out of fucking control. My relationship is a fucking mess. I get fuck all affection from her, we argue often. Everything has to be her way.
I've been trying to kill myself on and off for 25 years but kinda given up. I've tried so many methods. All fucking failed. I can't even fucking manage to kill myself. Yet another fucking disappointment I have to live with. I don't know how much more I can fucking take. I am so fucking angry I feel like I could kill someone. Probably even over something completely fucking trivial. I need some fucking satisfaction. I can almost imagine how satisfying that would be. Temporary relief. Make someone pay for all the fucking shit I'm going through.
My luck is fucking atrocious. I've been avoiding programming etc because I'm just fucking shit and I'm always disappointed with what I write. It's a fucking mess. But my luck.... I must have just about the worst luck in the FUCKING WORLD. I used to enjoy playing poker. But for some time now, my bad luck has been fucking atrocious. You would not fucking believe the odds of getting the amount of bad luck I've had. I used to get a thrill out of winning at poker but nowadays I just lose, lose and fucking lose some fucking more. The odds of me having such bad luck are EASILY one in a fucking trillion. More like a trillion, trillion, trillion or worse. Playing for hundreds of hours and time and time again someone beats me with a 1 in 10 or 1 in 100 set of cards come up. I don't know why it affects me so much but it sends me into a fucking rage. All I want is a bit of fucking dopamine. Instead, I get this fucking SHIT. Appallingly bad luck. Again. And again. And again. Never fucking ending it seems. How the FUCK IS THIS POSSIBLE?? UN FUCKING REAL. I've given up on everything in my life, leaving very fucking little. And that very fucking little is absolutely fucking disappointing the fuck out of me. And I can't understate it. My anger levels about losing at poker are going through the fucking roof. But I'm addicted. Chasing the dopamine of winning which I basically am no longer getting because I don't fucking know maybe I must have broken some fucking mirrors while crossing a black cat's path walking under a fucking ladder. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Because I seem to have given up on everything other than poker, my mood directly correlates with how my poker games go. And I'm FUCKING MISERABLE because my losing streak is just UN FUCKING REAL. 100's of hours. HUNDREDS. Bad luck. Bad luck. Bad luck. More fucking bad luck. I'm desperate to feel good. But I'm not fucking getting what I need. I wish I could just fucking stop existing. Wish I could fucking kill myself.
Since my life is a fucking failure, and poker is fucking biased against me, what's left? Drugs. But even that isn't working out. I fucking love drugs. But getting them is another fucking story. I keep getting ripped off on the dark net. Even though all the reviews check out; spotless feedback; I keep getting sent duds. The hash is shit. The ketamine is shit. The pills are total duds. The shrooms and LSD literally did nothing. Every. Fucking. Time. How the fuck can they have such a high proportion of good reviews but be sending out shit?? IS IT JUST ME AND MY UNBELIEVABLE FUCKING LUCK? AM I FUCKING CURSED OR SOMETHING? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???????? I NEED A FUCKING ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!
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