fuck being neet

[nolongerhumannn]

i feel that most people on this site have a ragged reason as to why they wish for their end, and to that, i feel guilty. sure, i havnt had the most typical life and there are a couple of shitty things about it, but my life is incomparable to majority of those on ss. the worst thing is that i made myself this way, yeah, influences and being in a house of misery kickstarted it but i know that at one point i had potential, and it was my own doing to go down the shittest path in the book. i havnt had goals and ambitions of anything besides my ending since i hit 14 and i find it horrific that if i lose that goal as well, ill be a completely empty hole that simply can not be even slightly more dug from. honestly, a year or 2 ago i woulda split at the chance of getting better but now i coudlnt care less about such things, there simply is no hope for me.
and like ive genuinely never met someone more useless than me, im 18 without a job, a dropout, i havnt left my room let alone my house in months, there quite literally is nothing to live for, ive got no hope for a decent future, even if i start earning money id spend it on substances and god hopes ill have a slow and painful ending to substance abuse. even worse that im a recluse and my only form of human connection is off of the internet, im utterly phased off of the earth for not a single reason.

ON A SIDE NOTE coraline 3d was very epical very much enjoyed getting a virus from downloading it 4 free!!! >:D

 

[Trav1989]

I believe you are mistaken when you claim many on SS are unlike you. I am roughly twice your age and you sound notably similar to myself at your age.

I was filled to the brim with angst and felt as though I was an alien on a planet filled to the brim with simpletons.

The funny thing is that despite being 34 nothing much has changed, yes I am far more wise but equally as hopeless by comparison in regards to experiencing trauma after trauma on repeat.

I am also a hermit but by choice, I do not fear social interaction or anything for that matter because why fear what you cannot control.

Which has led to embracing CTB with open arms and a grin on my face with the lack of a tongue in cheek.

The future seems to be set in stone from my experience and everything involved with it is beyond our control,bi could be wrong but there is no proving such really.

We either take a seat and play the game of life or we don't. Sure, we are all born into this existence involving the human condition but we only take part as long as we wish to.

I for one won't be making it to 35 and I'm happy about that, nothingness sounds beautiful.

 

[nolongerhumannn]

I believe you are mistaken when you claim many on SS are unlike you. I am roughly twice your age and you sound notably similar to myself at your age.

I was filled to the brim with angst and felt as though I was an alien on a planet filled to the brim with simpletons.

The funny thing is that despite being 34 nothing much has changed, yes I am far more wise but equally as hopeless by comparison in regards to experiencing trauma after trauma on repeat.

I am also a hermit but by choice, I do not fear social interaction or anything for that matter because why fear what you cannot control.

Which has led to embracing CTB with open arms and a grin on my face with the lack of a tongue in cheek.

The future seems to be set in stone from my experience and everything involved with it is beyond our control,bi could be wrong but there is no proving such really.

We either take a seat and play the game of life or we don't. Sure, we are all born into this existence involving the human condition but we only take part as long as we wish to.

I for one won't be making it to 35 and I'm happy about that, nothingness sounds beautiful.

nothingness indeed sounds beautiful and i wish you nothing more than peace.
you would think you could stop taking part of life easily but even meeting peace is infuriatingly painful.
i hope that ill figure out how to, i hope you do too.

 

[Dome42315]

i feel that most people on this site have a ragged reason as to why they wish for their end, and to that, i feel guilty. sure, i havnt had the most typical life and there are a couple of shitty things about it, but my life is incomparable to majority of those on ss. the worst thing is that i made myself this way, yeah, influences and being in a house of misery kickstarted it but i know that at one point i had potential, and it was my own doing to go down the shittest path in the book. i havnt had goals and ambitions of anything besides my ending since i hit 14 and i find it horrific that if i lose that goal as well, ill be a completely empty hole that simply can not be even slightly more dug from. honestly, a year or 2 ago i woulda split at the chance of getting better but now i coudlnt care less about such things, there simply is no hope for me.
and like ive genuinely never met someone more useless than me, im 18 without a job, a dropout, i havnt left my room let alone my house in months, there quite literally is nothing to live for, ive got no hope for a decent future, even if i start earning money id spend it on substances and god hopes ill have a slow and painful ending to substance abuse. even worse that im a recluse and my only form of human connection is off of the internet, im utterly phased off of the earth for not a single reason.

ON A SIDE NOTE coraline 3d was very epical very much enjoyed getting a virus from downloading it 4 free!!! >:D

I don't think you should feel guilty. Everybody perceives things differently. What's horrible for me might be a nothingburger for you, but something else might be godawful for you, but it might be not as bad for me. A good example is how some people think physical abuse is way worse than emotional abuse, but other people can take physical abuse, but emotional abuse destroys them from the inside. So if anyone says that they have it worse than you, tell them to shut up, because to you, your life feels shitty, just like how their's feels shitty to them. I think it's about how you feel, not about any weird objective meter than no one can measure.

Also I don't think it's your fault. I'm not sure if this'll make you feel better, but I'm pursuing higher education, but I still feel worthless, unfulfilled, with no goal for myself. I think it's more our brain chemicals than anything we did to ourselves. So people like me put in more effort to just feel worthless in the end. I'm the idiot here, not you.

 

[asa]

i feel that most people on this site have a ragged reason as to why they wish for their end, and to that, i feel guilty. sure, i havnt had the most typical life and there are a couple of shitty things about it, but my life is incomparable to majority of those on ss. the worst thing is that i made myself this way, yeah, influences and being in a house of misery kickstarted it but i know that at one point i had potential, and it was my own doing to go down the shittest path in the book. i havnt had goals and ambitions of anything besides my ending since i hit 14 and i find it horrific that if i lose that goal as well, ill be a completely empty hole that simply can not be even slightly more dug from. honestly, a year or 2 ago i woulda split at the chance of getting better but now i coudlnt care less about such things, there simply is no hope for me.
and like ive genuinely never met someone more useless than me, im 18 without a job, a dropout, i havnt left my room let alone my house in months, there quite literally is nothing to live for, ive got no hope for a decent future, even if i start earning money id spend it on substances and god hopes ill have a slow and painful ending to substance abuse. even worse that im a recluse and my only form of human connection is off of the internet, im utterly phased off of the earth for not a single reason.

ON A SIDE NOTE coraline 3d was very epical very much enjoyed getting a virus from downloading it 4 free!!! >:D

I'm so sorry you have to feel this way at such a young age. Our thought process is pretty much the same because I also have no motivation and feel so hopeless about my future because everything seems to be going downhill. I haven't had any human interaction either besides online and that realization isn't helping with my depression at all. We're the same age and what you said about feeling useless is exactly how I feel too. I'm glad we talked in chat yesterday, you're really sweet and I honestly pray you are able to recover and find a purpose<3 you can always pm me whenever you feel like venting. If you ever decide to recover, just know that I'll always be rooting for you

 

[coolgal82]

i get it. i'm 20 and have no job, no skills, no real interests, and rarely if ever even leave my room (it's only to go to the toilet, collect food i've ordered, and extremely rarely i go to the shops or something but even that is a very difficult task.) i literally have no future i will never be happy (especially because im also trans so even if everything else was fine i wouldnt be able to be happy in this body anyway)

the worst bit for me personally is even if i got a job it wouldn't last lmao, my last job was as a kitchen porter and like my mental health was rocky enough back then so like being around all the knives/chemicals wasnt good, the stress of like having to do stuff, it finally ended when i had a breakdown crying in the toilets cus i couldnt take it anymore after i aw them showing around someone new for the position and was convinced they were gonna replace me lmao.

also if i got one i wouldnt be able to talk to my online friends as much which is honestly worse than everything i described above i love those guys so fucking much.

but yeah. i hope one day this feeling ends for you, one way or another (preferably in recovery because i personally think you're pretty cool)

 

[BlackMoon]

I'm not here only because of it, but being a NEET doesn't help me in my struggles, I think I get what you're going through, and you're far from being alone here. Also don't feel guilty because of why you're here, we all have different lives and there's no hierarchy of reasons to end your life. Ragged reasons don't exist.

I wish all of us to find peace, whatever the way.

 

[nolongerhumannn]

I don't think you should feel guilty. Everybody perceives things differently. What's horrible for me might be a nothingburger for you, but something else might be godawful for you, but it might be not as bad for me. A good example is how some people think physical abuse is way worse than emotional abuse, but other people can take physical abuse, but emotional abuse destroys them from the inside. So if anyone says that they have it worse than you, tell them to shut up, because to you, your life feels shitty, just like how their's feels shitty to them. I think it's about how you feel, not about any weird objective meter than no one can measure.

Also I don't think it's your fault. I'm not sure if this'll make you feel better, but I'm pursuing higher education, but I still feel worthless, unfulfilled, with no goal for myself. I think it's more our brain chemicals than anything we did to ourselves. So people like me put in more effort to just feel worthless in the end. I'm the idiot here, not you.

i hope all goes well for you, whatever path you choose.

 

[nolongerhumannn]

I'm so sorry you have to feel this way at such a young age. Our thought process is pretty much the same because I also have no motivation and feel so hopeless about my future because everything seems to be going downhill. I haven't had any human interaction either besides online and that realization isn't helping with my depression at all. We're the same age and what you said about feeling useless is exactly how I feel too. I'm glad we talked in chat yesterday, you're really sweet and I honestly pray you are able to recover and find a purpose<3 you can always pm me whenever you feel like venting. If you ever decide to recover, just know that I'll always be rooting for you

youre literally so sweet asa you can talk to me in pm anytime too, i hope we both find peace in one way or another <3

i get it. i'm 20 and have no job, no skills, no real interests, and rarely if ever even leave my room (it's only to go to the toilet, collect food i've ordered, and extremely rarely i go to the shops or something but even that is a very difficult task.) i literally have no future i will never be happy (especially because im also trans so even if everything else was fine i wouldnt be able to be happy in this body anyway)

the worst bit for me personally is even if i got a job it wouldn't last lmao, my last job was as a kitchen porter and like my mental health was rocky enough back then so like being around all the knives/chemicals wasnt good, the stress of like having to do stuff, it finally ended when i had a breakdown crying in the toilets cus i couldnt take it anymore after i aw them showing around someone new for the position and was convinced they were gonna replace me lmao.

also if i got one i wouldnt be able to talk to my online friends as much which is honestly worse than everything i described above i love those guys so fucking much.

but yeah. i hope one day this feeling ends for you, one way or another (preferably in recovery because i personally think you're pretty cool)

this is exactly my problem with being neet, like ive tried a dozen times to work or at the very least homeschool myself to pass AT LEAST year 10 but i simply can not get past it. i havnt had an education since year 8 and unfortunately that makes me making a living incredibly difficult. at one point i worked at my friends shop for a year and a half before i was homeless, and i would pay a little rent to live in a shared apartment with her but she ended up 'kicking me out' (which was valid, i was not fitting her financial standards) and i was homeless for about 3 months and now im back to square one, living with my parents where most of this started.

youre a wonderful person, im very happy i met you in the chatrooms! i hope you find peace, whether thats through ctb or recovering.

 

[Manfrotto99]

I don't think your any different to a lot of people on here. It is not fault. Did you choose to be this way? I doubt it. I went down hill around the age of 14 and while I had some good peaks and made "something of myself" for a while. It never lasted long. The thing is at 14 you should be setting goals, ambitions and feeling confident about them etc but how can you do this when you are unwell and have depression? It will make you feel the opposite, unmotivated, confused and hopeless. Then you do nothing and it only perpetuates these feelings and increases the depression. What caused your depression? Perhaps you were chemically prone to it but also your "shitty" upbringing would have been a major contributor. It took me well into my adult years to stop blaming myself and to realise how much damage my dysfunctional upbringing had on my life, causing me low self esteem, depression and anxiety. Trying to start out and get through in this dog eat dog world like that with depression can be extremely difficult if not impossible especially if your an introverted type or have other traits that make it difficult to be "successful" in this competitive world. I mean it's difficult enough for anyone as it is!

If you can try to find some spark or passion in yourself and nurture it, use it to your advantage and try and push through the depression and at the first chance get away from the dysfunctional environment. I used my love for nature and the enironment to push through. Unfortunately i did not get away when I had the chance. I should have left the State. That's where I went wrong. Being NEET can have its appeal, but it can also be a form of control, to keep you under the wraps of controlling misguided parents. At least this is what happened in my life.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I don't think idleness at 18 is that unusual or dire. When you hit like 23 or so and beyond, that's when it starts sticking out. But certainly most people are engaged in something.

Goals make a difference. Little steps add up. If you want a high school diploma, and you'll need one, start with the first step of looking on into what you need to do to obtain one or its equivalent.

 

[seppuku404]

I feel you, since I was a kid I never really had any ambitions or aspirations, I've gone with the stream ever since I can remember an now I'm at a point it doesn't really work anymore. I cannot see myself in the future or being happy or loved by who I am ever, and I'll still feel like an empty shell who can't get in touch, like living in a different layer. Is that how you feel too?
One time in hs I passed out and I felt the most peaceful I'd ever felt, like I was embraced by a gentle darkness and warmth, I wanted to stay there forever however I was woken up.

 

[nolongerhumannn]

I don't think your any different to a lot of people on here. It is not fault. Did you choose to be this way? I doubt it. I went down hill around the age of 14 and while I had some good peaks and made "something of myself" for a while. It never lasted long. The thing is at 14 you should be setting goals, ambitions and feeling confident about them etc but how can you do this when you are unwell and have depression? It will make you feel the opposite, unmotivated, confused and hopeless. Then you do nothing and it only perpetuates these feelings and increases the depression. What caused your depression? Perhaps you were chemically prone to it but also your "shitty" upbringing would have been a major contributor. It took me well into my adult years to stop blaming myself and to realise how much damage my dysfunctional upbringing had on my life, causing me low self esteem, depression and anxiety. Trying to start out and get through in this dog eat dog world like that with depression can be extremely difficult if not impossible especially if your an introverted type or have other traits that make it difficult to be "successful" in this competitive world. I mean it's difficult enough for anyone as it is!

If you can try to find some spark or passion in yourself and nurture it, use it to your advantage and try and push through the depression and at the first chance get away from the dysfunctional environment. I used my love for nature and the enironment to push through. Unfortunately i did not get away when I had the chance. I should have left the State. That's where I went wrong. Being NEET can have its appeal, but it can also be a form of control, to keep you under the wraps of controlling misguided parents. At least this is what happened in my life.

see i understand that supposedly not all of it is entirely my fault, but at one point my parents really wanted me to succeed. now theyve also lost all hope. when i say i had a 'shitty upbringing', yeah my childhood was pretty fucked but as i grew up, thing were a lot tamer. at least up until they kicked me out when i was 16, but honestly if i was them, id kick me out too. now i live under their roof, i feel ungreatful because its not like theyre asking me to pay for rent or any sort of bills, but at the same time, i can tell that they hate me, every single part of me. again, i dont blame them for that, ive done a series of shitty things to them but it really is my last string of hope when i realise that not even they have an inch of hope that i could recover.
i truly wish you as much peace as this horrid world could offer, you seem like an amazing person.

I don't think idleness at 18 is that unusual or dire. When you hit like 23 or so and beyond, that's when it starts sticking out. But certainly most people are engaged in something.

Goals make a difference. Little steps add up. If you want a high school diploma, and you'll need one, start with the first step of looking on into what you need to do to obtain one or its equivalent.

ive tried but dude i probably couldnt even pass a ninth grade math exam lmao. the only goal (s) i have left is to somehow, and im so unsure how, pay back the people that i owe money too, and to finally be at peace.
ctb is my only desire.

I feel you, since I was a kid I never really had any ambitions or aspirations, I've gone with the stream ever since I can remember an now I'm at a point it doesn't really work anymore. I cannot see myself in the future or being happy or loved by who I am ever, and I'll still feel like an empty shell who can't get in touch, like living in a different layer. Is that how you feel too?
One time in hs I passed out and I felt the most peaceful I'd ever felt, like I was embraced by a gentle darkness and warmth, I wanted to stay there forever however I was woken up.

it truly is hard to live when theres nothing to live for.
and i definelty understand how you feel about being an empty shell, hardly anything will get a reaction from me. i wish it did, at least when i was actively trying to ctb, i felt SOMETHING.
eternal sleep does sound beautiful.
i wish you the best seppuku c:

 

[damienlerone03]

i feel that most people on this site have a ragged reason as to why they wish for their end, and to that, i feel guilty. sure, i havnt had the most typical life and there are a couple of shitty things about it, but my life is incomparable to majority of those on ss. the worst thing is that i made myself this way, yeah, influences and being in a house of misery kickstarted it but i know that at one point i had potential, and it was my own doing to go down the shittest path in the book. i havnt had goals and ambitions of anything besides my ending since i hit 14 and i find it horrific that if i lose that goal as well, ill be a completely empty hole that simply can not be even slightly more dug from. honestly, a year or 2 ago i woulda split at the chance of getting better but now i coudlnt care less about such things, there simply is no hope for me.
and like ive genuinely never met someone more useless than me, im 18 without a job, a dropout, i havnt left my room let alone my house in months, there quite literally is nothing to live for, ive got no hope for a decent future, even if i start earning money id spend it on substances and god hopes ill have a slow and painful ending to substance abuse. even worse that im a recluse and my only form of human connection is off of the internet, im utterly phased off of the earth for not a single reason.

ON A SIDE NOTE coraline 3d was very epical very much enjoyed getting a virus from downloading it 4 free!!! >:D

Conny, first off im so sorry you have to go through this. When I came onto this site I felt super duper shitty and ungrateful because I started to compare my life to others on here and compared to others, i shouldn't feel sad. I have everything while they have nothing. At least thats what I used to think until someone told me something very important: Even if someone is in 50 feet of water and someone else is only in 6 feet of water, both of those people can still drown. So, never put your reasons below others, you are important. Even if it looks like someone has more problems you shouldn't compare yourself, that'll only make you feel more shitty anyways. Anyways, i'm a big hypocrite and im currently comparing myself to you as I read yours and you are have it worse than me. Stand proud, you are strong. (yes its a jjk reference.) Never forget, life is roblox. <3

 

[pyx]

i relate to this a lot. im also a neet whose savings are being bled into satiating my cravings. i have ambitions which are like daydreams; never materializing in any meaningful capacity, always diaphanous and fleeting. i feel completely out of touch from the world with no hopes of integrating back into it

 

[nolongerhumannn]

Conny, first off im so sorry you have to go through this. When I came onto this site I felt super duper shitty and ungrateful because I started to compare my life to others on here and compared to others, i shouldn't feel sad. I have everything while they have nothing. At least thats what I used to think until someone told me something very important: Even if someone is in 50 feet of water and someone else is only in 6 feet of water, both of those people can still drown. So, never put your reasons below others, you are important. Even if it looks like someone has more problems you shouldn't compare yourself, that'll only make you feel more shitty anyways. Anyways, i'm a big hypocrite and im currently comparing myself to you as I read yours and you are have it worse than me. Stand proud, you are strong. (yes its a jjk reference.) Never forget, life is roblox. <3

bro ily sm dami, youre one of my fav people on

Conny, first off im so sorry you have to go through this. When I came onto this site I felt super duper shitty and ungrateful because I started to compare my life to others on here and compared to others, i shouldn't feel sad. I have everything while they have nothing. At least thats what I used to think until someone told me something very important: Even if someone is in 50 feet of water and someone else is only in 6 feet of water, both of those people can still drown. So, never put your reasons below others, you are important. Even if it looks like someone has more problems you shouldn't compare yourself, that'll only make you feel more shitty anyways. Anyways, i'm a big hypocrite and im currently comparing myself to you as I read yours and you are have it worse than me. Stand proud, you are strong. (yes its a jjk reference.) Never forget, life is roblox. <3

omfg i love you sm dami, youre one of my fav people on sasu.
dont compare yourself to me, everything that it has come to was of my own fault, youre the sweetest person ever and i hope whoever or whatever has hurt you is miserable for the rest of their lives.
ilysm and know that youre so strong for struggling but still being able to make everyone smile.
i hope you find peace, and recover, because honestly you have the biggest heart. <33
and OATH roblox forever!!!!! (i fucking hate dti.)

i relate to this a lot. im also a neet whose savings are being bled into satiating my cravings. i have ambitions which are like daydreams; never materializing in any

its comforting to know that im not the only one that feels this way.
and oh my god youre so spot on about using money for stupid cravings, if i wasnt so miserable, i may have had the chance to use the money i had saved to get out of this hell hole.
i wish you the best and you have my utmost sympathy as a fellow neet, i hope you find peace in some way or another.

 

[Kadaver]

I am a lot like you. I lost all ambitions at like 14-15 and then I also just made shittier and shittier choices. I dropped out of high school, and fucked up my best shot at true recovery. I'm 23 and I feel pathetic. I can't work because of my mental health and I'm working on getting on disability. I have done nothing with my life and am only a burden for those I love.

 

[nolongerhumannn]

I am a lot like you. I lost all ambitions at like 14-15 and then I also just made shittier and shittier choices. I dropped out of high school, and fucked up my best shot at true recovery. I'm 23 and I feel pathetic. I can't work because of my mental health and I'm working on getting on disability. I have done nothing with my life and am only a burden for those I love.

heavy on being a burden.
at one point you sorta realise that theres nothing more to be done, that youre kinda fucked for the rest of eternity.
but i like knowing that i can control atleast one thing, being able to die. weirdly comforting.
wishing you the best and sending lots of love, finding peace is difficult.

 

[TakeMeToHeaven]

People regret dropping out.

I regret graduating.

If I dropped out at 16 instead of graduating at 18, I could've saved myself two years of bullying. I graduated, and still ended up as a NEET. Getting a job isn't much better, because it's like high school v2.0 with more bullying and suffering.

why blame yourself for not leaving your room? it's one of the few safe places where you can be in this world

 

[nolongerhumannn]

People regret dropping out.

I regret graduating.

If I dropped out at 16 instead of graduating at 18, I could've saved myself two years of bullying. I graduated, and still ended up as a NEET. Getting a job isn't much better, because it's like high school v2.0 with more bullying and suffering.

why blame yourself for not leaving your room? it's one of the few safe places where you can be in this world

I find comfort within my room but it also means that i genuinely cannot leave nor function if i leave it.
once my parents die, (which is the reason why im ctb before the do) i quite literally will stop functioning, if i cant leave my room, let alone my house, there simply is no living.

 

[TakeMeToHeaven]

I find comfort within my room but it also means that i genuinely cannot leave nor function if i leave it.
once my parents die, (which is the reason why im ctb before the do) i quite literally will stop functioning, if i cant leave my room, let alone my house, there simply is no living.

yeah i have autism and schizophrenia, I also can't function outside of my room too
my retirement plan when my NEETing ends is sodium nitrite

 

[nolongerhumannn]

yeah i have autism and schizophrenia, I also can't function outside of my room too
my retirement plan when my NEETing ends is sodium nitrite

valid method, i dont have acess to sn tho unfortunately.
hope you find peace <3

 

[Kadaver]

heavy on being a burden.
at one point you sorta realise that theres nothing more to be done, that youre kinda fucked for the rest of eternity.
but i like knowing that i can control atleast one thing, being able to die. weirdly comforting.
wishing you the best and sending lots of love, finding peace is difficult.

I feel that. Right now I feel so majorly fucked. I can't work so all I do is lay in bed all day. I've tried finding people to talk to to fill my time but usually, even they have work at some point. I feel useless. I don't have full control over when I die either. The only immediate way accessible to me rn is jumping in front of a train.

I hope we're able to find peace eventually

 

[nolongerhumannn]

I feel that. Right now I feel so majorly fucked. I can't work so all I do is lay in bed all day. I've tried finding people to talk to to fill my time but usually, even they have work at some point. I feel useless. I don't have full control over when I die either. The only immediate way accessible to me rn is jumping in front of a train.

I hope we're able to find peace eventually

oath. right now i've never felt shitter i'm not quite sure what happened, i was chill this morning, and now all i can think about is ctb. i cant die until i pay back the money i owe, so this isn't helping my situation but oh well.
i thought of the train method but i want a burdenless end, i couldn't bare to traumatise the train driver.
might just scratch the paying back goal and end it tonight.
stupid late night ponders.
wish you the best and hope peace comes to you

 

[Manfrotto99]

see i understand that supposedly not all of it is entirely my fault, but at one point my parents really wanted me to succeed. now theyve also lost all hope. when i say i had a 'shitty upbringing', yeah my childhood was pretty fucked but as i grew up, thing were a lot tamer. at least up until they kicked me out when i was 16, but honestly if i was them, id kick me out too. now i live under their roof, i feel ungreatful because its not like theyre asking me to pay for rent or any sort of bills, but at the same time, i can tell that they hate me, every single part of me. again, i dont blame them for that, ive done a series of shitty things to them but it really is my last string of hope when i realise that not even they have an inch of hope that i could recover.
i truly wish you as much peace as this horrid world could offer, you seem like an amazing person.

ive tried but dude i probably couldnt even pass a ninth grade math exam lmao. the only goal (s) i have left is to somehow, and im so unsure how, pay back the people that i owe money too, and to finally be at peace.
ctb is my only desire.

it truly is hard to live when theres nothing to live for.
and i definelty understand how you feel about being an empty shell, hardly anything will get a reaction from me. i wish it did, at least when i was actively trying to ctb, i felt SOMETHING.
eternal sleep does sound beautiful.
i wish you the best seppuku c:

But your parents should love you unconditionally. I've not had children, but I'd always loved my dog and welcome her home to stay no matter what she had done. There is something wrong when you feel that your parents hate you. It's just not right to feel this way. Is it in your head or do you have good reason to feel this way? Talking to my therapist and friends helped me realise that I had very good reasons to feel angry towards to parents. Often we don't want to admit that our parents have failed us and just because they wanted you to succeed dosnt mean they had your interests at heart. There was a time when my parents wanted that too, but it was so I didn't look like a failure to them. Despite all this, studies show that it's the first few years in life that really help to set us up. I'm not saying these things to feel anger or blame your parents. Only talking to a good therapist can really help clarify things. I'm sure you no saint like all of us and have contributed in your own ways, but im just saying these things because when we blame ourselves we only go further into depression and that makes it harder to take action and get out of the rut.