Venting Frustrations With High Functioning Depression

[CleverMoniker]

I woke up early today. It's 1:09 am and I want to die. I'm going to study for a test instead.

I function like a machine. I hate that I can feel this way and still keep going. I hate that I can go on, despite the way I feel...it's extremely invalidating. As horrible as it sounds, I am so jealous of people with catatonia. I've tried to induce that state in myself, but to no avail.

Because I can always work harder, I feel so absurdly guilty when my productivity falls. I feel like a failure when I don't spend the entire day on the grind even though I'm doing better than most of my peers. I can always work harder, and so nothing I ever do is enough.

I wish I couldn't do anything at all. I want the external conditions of my life to match the way I feel.

 

[irememberinnocence]

I'm a perfectionist myself so I can relate. I'm too ill to push myself nowadays but I remember when I could never settle for an anything less than A+ at university. Have you looked into the root of your perfectionism? A little kindness to yourself and treating yourself goes a long way. Maybe a favorite takeaway or Tv Show or whatever you fine pleasurable, just to brighten your day. Easier said than done I know, but I hope you can do it :)

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds very frustrating and tiring what you are going through. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you well.