I am still struggling with the logistics of my exit. I want to go by inert gas, it seems the least violent and most accessible method for me. I will be forced to consider other methods if my situation gets any worse though (husband may go back to work and start accusing me of stealing medication from him, using drugs, stealing money etc) all past mistakes but he hasn't let it go.
I just wanted to put things right before my time's up, it's all I have ever wanted. I didn't even have the energy to write a letter last week. That's how unwell I am now. I was supposed to do it as part of trying to get some retribution against the drug addiction agency who helped do this to me, but all my body could do was stay in bed.
I am also in excruciating pain with my right leg now, it's so painful it feels like someone is shoving an icicle into my hip whenever I put any weight onto it. I have never complained about this, I have never cried over it, some days it must be level 10 but I have never so much as grimaced. I don't know how I have made it this far. I know it's chipped away at me inside though, I think pain like this would grind away at anyone. I cannot even walk into town anymore.
I am reducing another 0.4 off my subutex script next week, last time I tried that I felt so low and depressed I couldn't even come on here, all I did was stay asleep. Not withdrawal per se, that amount is too low to cause that, but it defiantly did something in my already damaged brain. Oddly I also began bleeding in between my period cycle, which further drained me, that's still going on to some degree though so we'll see about that one, doctor was not bothered, more bothered about what drugs I may have used before visiting them.
I think this will play a part, if I begin to feel like this again, even worse than I do now, I want my way out and I am getting frustrated. I just don't seem to be able to coordinate it, if you get me. I am so tired, everything is like walking through thick mud.
I don't want to die at home, mainly because of my dog. I don't want her to find me dead. It's going to be horrific enough for her as it is as she has to realise I am not coming home. I want to make sure she stays in the family, where people care about her, and not sent back to rescue.
Me and my dog face a lot of stigma in our lives, mine for being a 'drug addict' and her for having bull type appearance. I owe it to her not to leave her with the image of my dead form.
This method will be hard to pull off else where though, I feel really stuck,
I just wanted to put things right before my time's up, it's all I have ever wanted. I didn't even have the energy to write a letter last week. That's how unwell I am now. I was supposed to do it as part of trying to get some retribution against the drug addiction agency who helped do this to me, but all my body could do was stay in bed.
I am also in excruciating pain with my right leg now, it's so painful it feels like someone is shoving an icicle into my hip whenever I put any weight onto it. I have never complained about this, I have never cried over it, some days it must be level 10 but I have never so much as grimaced. I don't know how I have made it this far. I know it's chipped away at me inside though, I think pain like this would grind away at anyone. I cannot even walk into town anymore.
I am reducing another 0.4 off my subutex script next week, last time I tried that I felt so low and depressed I couldn't even come on here, all I did was stay asleep. Not withdrawal per se, that amount is too low to cause that, but it defiantly did something in my already damaged brain. Oddly I also began bleeding in between my period cycle, which further drained me, that's still going on to some degree though so we'll see about that one, doctor was not bothered, more bothered about what drugs I may have used before visiting them.
I think this will play a part, if I begin to feel like this again, even worse than I do now, I want my way out and I am getting frustrated. I just don't seem to be able to coordinate it, if you get me. I am so tired, everything is like walking through thick mud.
I don't want to die at home, mainly because of my dog. I don't want her to find me dead. It's going to be horrific enough for her as it is as she has to realise I am not coming home. I want to make sure she stays in the family, where people care about her, and not sent back to rescue.
Me and my dog face a lot of stigma in our lives, mine for being a 'drug addict' and her for having bull type appearance. I owe it to her not to leave her with the image of my dead form.
This method will be hard to pull off else where though, I feel really stuck,
