Story Frustrated with myself but I'll try my best

[hoppybunny]

So i decided not to bother with therapy anymore cause i know what's wrong with me.

I'm just super scared of failing so i self sabotage or resort to suicide so i don't fail.

What i mean is, a good percentage of me simply doesn't wanna work. So by societies standards i would be lazy. Cause i don't want to work out, i don't want to get a job, i don't want to learn etc.

But after posting a few times, and really thinking about myself i came to the conclusion that i would be willing to put in effort if a result was guaranteed. How do i know this?

First i asked myself: If I didn't have to get a job and i could live off someone's dime, and just sleep and eat and watch anime and read webtoons and manga all day, maybe draw on the side and play games with friends, would i be happy? The answer is no. Cause i hate the idea of living off someone's hard work and would probably kill myself to relive them of my existence. Like im a firm believer in not being grateful to my parents just because they birthed me without my consent but making them work forever to take care of me makes me feel gross. Plus theyre annoying to live with so it wouldn't even be worth it anyway.

Next i was like: ok what if you had all those things and didn't live off someone's dime. Like just imagining i had some infinite supply of money. Would i be happy? Probably but I'd get bored and want to date so I'd eventually work on myself since i had nothing to lose. I'd work out and go out more. And i would eventually start drawing and creating again, but i may be too scared of no one carinf about my work to try and make a name of myself. wouldn't get a job tho eww.

Finally i asked myself: if i was guaranteed to see results as long as i put in the effort, and these results would allow me to do what i wanted in the above scenarios. Would I put in the effort? So if i worked out and ate ij moderation and followed an exact plan guaranteed to help me look exactly how i want would i work out? Yes. If i followed an exact step by step guide that guaranteed i could make a living as an artist and i could imporove my art to look exactly how i want in my head, would i put in effort? Yes.

So i came to the conlusion that im not inherently avversed to putting in effort. Im scared of putting in pointless effort. I know this cause i play games knowing they were designed to be cleared so i keep trying cause i know eventually i will clear it.
For standardized tests like ap tests i read the test guides watched the videos had countless sleepless nights in high school because i knew if i did those things i was guaranteed a three.

I experienced my first waste of effort when i didn't get into my dream school. I had a bunch of extra curriculars, and a good test scores and honours and gpa but it wasnt good enough for M.I.T so i got rejected. I got nto my safety and then it all went down from there. Doing homework and showing up to lectures no longer guaranteed i understood the material. Going to tutoring or office hour didn't help and all they did was try to get you out of there as quickly as possibe so they could get to the next person. So like they were lowkey mad at me for not understanding it fast enough.

No companies wanted me for internships cause i had no time outside school to work on personal projects.

It was just one constant defeat after another.

I eventually lost all my self confidence and little self esteem i had and even my ego was gone.

I started getting scared of putting in effort and just stayed asleep all day cause it was easier to fail knowing i never tried.

Eventually i decided it would be easier to kill myself than forcing myself to try anymore. And that's how i got to where i am now.

I'm tired of trying and failing with no guarantee how many more times i have to fail to be happy.

But despite coming to terms with the fact im tired of it all a part of me wants to live and keep trying, even though I'm gonna die anyway and that effort will amount to nothing and another part is just too scared to die cause i was raised catholic and still am so a very big part of me is scared of going to hell.

I'm too scared to live and too scared to die?!?! That sucks.

So now here i am. Just constantly crying and complaining about life because i can't pick.

Last month i gave myself the ultimatum that i either get better or kill myself by August 2026. My reasoning is that i had one year after i graduate to try my best at living.

But i moved it to August 2025 cause if i didn't have a job lined up by then or my art career hadn't taken off then i knew there was no way, i would magically gain the resolve to change those things. Especially since I'm living with my parents and they make me hate my life even more. Like they were my og self esteem killers. And to top it off they scoff at slow and steady change but then preach it all the time. Its genuinely a mind fuck living with them especially my mum. I also know that if i scrape by and just move out I'll be too tired to have any actual free time to work on myself and boom 10 years pass and im 30 still working a bunch of shitty part time jobs wonderinf when my life will begin.


So i guess what I'm saying is i know what's wrong with me and I'm not gonna get better till I come to terms with the fact that nothing in life like work and self improvement is guaranteed.

Which is hard. Idk if anyone has had the same issue as me and overcome it but if you have please share somethings that helped.

If i can't get over this by next May you'll probably see me asking for the best places in texas to blow my head off and getting a new part time job to afford the gun and uber to take me there and finish the job the day of my graduation

 

[UnnervedCompany]

Well you sound like you have a plan and a way to achieve it. Just put on your strongest resolve and do not let anyone disturb you. And try your best.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

So i decided not to bother with therapy anymore cause i know what's wrong with me.

I'm just super scared of failing so i self sabotage or resort to suicide so i don't fail.

What i mean is, a good percentage of me simply doesn't wanna work. So by societies standards i would be lazy. Cause i don't want to work out, i don't want to get a job, i don't want to learn etc.

But after posting a few times, and really thinking about myself i came to the conclusion that i would be willing to put in effort if a result was guaranteed. How do i know this?

First i asked myself: If I didn't have to get a job and i could live off someone's dime, and just sleep and eat and watch anime and read webtoons and manga all day, maybe draw on the side and play games with friends, would i be happy? The answer is no. Cause i hate the idea of living off someone's hard work and would probably kill myself to relive them of my existence. Like im a firm believer in not being grateful to my parents just because they birthed me without my consent but making them work forever to take care of me makes me feel gross. Plus theyre annoying to live with so it wouldn't even be worth it anyway.

Next i was like: ok what if you had all those things and didn't live off someone's dime. Like just imagining i had some infinite supply of money. Would i be happy? Probably but I'd get bored and want to date so I'd eventually work on myself since i had nothing to lose. I'd work out and go out more. And i would eventually start drawing and creating again, but i may be too scared of no one carinf about my work to try and make a name of myself. wouldn't get a job tho eww.

Finally i asked myself: if i was guaranteed to see results as long as i put in the effort, and these results would allow me to do what i wanted in the above scenarios. Would I put in the effort? So if i worked out and ate ij moderation and followed an exact plan guaranteed to help me look exactly how i want would i work out? Yes. If i followed an exact step by step guide that guaranteed i could make a living as an artist and i could imporove my art to look exactly how i want in my head, would i put in effort? Yes.

So i came to the conlusion that im not inherently avversed to putting in effort. Im scared of putting in pointless effort. I know this cause i play games knowing they were designed to be cleared so i keep trying cause i know eventually i will clear it.
For standardized tests like ap tests i read the test guides watched the videos had countless sleepless nights in high school because i knew if i did those things i was guaranteed a three.

I experienced my first waste of effort when i didn't get into my dream school. I had a bunch of extra curriculars, and a good test scores and honours and gpa but it wasnt good enough for M.I.T so i got rejected. I got nto my safety and then it all went down from there. Doing homework and showing up to lectures no longer guaranteed i understood the material. Going to tutoring or office hour didn't help and all they did was try to get you out of there as quickly as possibe so they could get to the next person. So like they were lowkey mad at me for not understanding it fast enough.

No companies wanted me for internships cause i had no time outside school to work on personal projects.

It was just one constant defeat after another.

I eventually lost all my self confidence and little self esteem i had and even my ego was gone.

I started getting scared of putting in effort and just stayed asleep all day cause it was easier to fail knowing i never tried.

Eventually i decided it would be easier to kill myself than forcing myself to try anymore. And that's how i got to where i am now.

I'm tired of trying and failing with no guarantee how many more times i have to fail to be happy.

But despite coming to terms with the fact im tired of it all a part of me wants to live and keep trying, even though I'm gonna die anyway and that effort will amount to nothing and another part is just too scared to die cause i was raised catholic and still am so a very big part of me is scared of going to hell.

I'm too scared to live and too scared to die?!?! That sucks.

So now here i am. Just constantly crying and complaining about life because i can't pick.

Last month i gave myself the ultimatum that i either get better or kill myself by August 2026. My reasoning is that i had one year after i graduate to try my best at living.

But i moved it to August 2025 cause if i didn't have a job lined up by then or my art career hadn't taken off then i knew there was no way, i would magically gain the resolve to change those things. Especially since I'm living with my parents and they make me hate my life even more. Like they were my og self esteem killers. And to top it off they scoff at slow and steady change but then preach it all the time. Its genuinely a mind fuck living with them especially my mum. I also know that if i scrape by and just move out I'll be too tired to have any actual free time to work on myself and boom 10 years pass and im 30 still working a bunch of shitty part time jobs wonderinf when my life will begin.


So i guess what I'm saying is i know what's wrong with me and I'm not gonna get better till I come to terms with the fact that nothing in life like work and self improvement is guaranteed.

Which is hard. Idk if anyone has had the same issue as me and overcome it but if you have please share somethings that helped.

If i can't get over this by next May you'll probably see me asking for the best places in texas to blow my head off and getting a new part time job to afford the gun and uber to take me there and finish the job the day of my graduation

I don't know how to word this without sounding sexist... But I think a lot of men would like a stay-at-home wife, but very very very few women would like a stay at home husband.

I work and I would love to take care of a woman as long as we got along and weren't toxic towards each other.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be part of the system. Part of me has considered legitimately selling everything I own in quitting my job and living as a transient person. (Homeless by choice).

 

[hoppybunny]

Well you sound like you have a plan and a way to achieve it. Just put on your strongest resolve and do not let anyone disturb you. And try your best.

Thank you. I'll keep trying. Just hoping that i can see more successes that will build back my self confidence.

I don't know how to word this without sounding sexist... But I think a lot of men would like a stay-at-home wife, but very very very few women would like a stay at home husband.

I work and I would love to take care of a woman as long as we got along and weren't toxic towards each other.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be part of the system. Part of me has considered legitimately selling everything I own in quitting my job and living as a transient person. (Homeless by choice).

It's not sexist at all. A lot of people are still very traditional, so it's a fact a lot of dudes want house wives and a lot of ladies want "traditional masculine" husbands. I don't fall into either category cause i'm non binary. I don't think i could be a housewife though like even if i wasn't non binary, cause i'd be too anxious and feel guilty.

I do hope you find a nice pretty lady to marry.

also living as a transient person sounds intersting, are you in the US cause i thought homeless people couldn't work without an adress? and sorry if i'm prying to much how would you do that? i've seen people use rvs as their home so they don't pay property taxes. So they're technically still homeless.