Venting Friendships vs trauma brain

[HollowDrop]

No matter how close I get to someone I will still act distant, no matter how much I like someone I cannot let myself closer to them. I'm always afraid, terrified. I don't want to be hurt anymore. There's no good qualities about me so it would only make sense none of my friends actually care and anyone who talks to me only wants something out of me.. is what my mind says. I acknowledge this isn't necessarily true but it's still surprisingly hard to take control of it. I'm just so lonely even if I make friends and I know it's my fault for being so distant. I easily feel ashamed for even talking to people because my childhood taught me I'm stupid and should keep my mouth shut. So I just stop talking.
I love being traumatized to the point where normal human connections are impossible to upkeep. No matter how much I study my mental or know logical reasons to why I feel certain ways those bad feelings still have me in a chokehold.

 

[wondering&wandering]

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. In a similar way I understand how you feel.

I fear rejection most of all. I've been ignored so many times that I'm afraid of trying to make new friends, so I keep my distance.

Sounds like more of a selfish reason than yours. You keep your distance to protect others, while I keep my distance to protect myself.

I'm trying to get around my mental chokeholds, too. Sometimes I find some success, so I hope you find some too if that's what you're looking for.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I wish you peace! Also, feel free to pm me if you'd like to just vent or talk.