Venting Friend reacted poorly to me venting that I need to CTB

[nozomu]

Sorry to post a vent again so soon. I have a privated account on another website that I use to vent as well, and I posted that I was going to start making plans to CTB, likely culminating in the next calendar year. I use this account like a journal and only my closest friends can see what I post.

My friend sent me a long PM and was panicking and crying because she interpreted this as I already had plans, and was acting/acted on them. Her message to me was very kind and sweet, but I feel bad that she panicked. I had a long call with her, and explained why I was making this decision and that it wouldn't be out of the blue and abrupt. I told her it was more like I am making an insurance policy for myself so I can persevere through my immense pain and suffering more boldly and freely. My plan to CTB is my last ditch effort at truly living and seeing if I can make it, with the peace of knowing I can leave if I can't.

She understood and calmed down but I still feel really bad. I want those I am close to to know ahead of time that I am CTB (they know I am very ill, so I am HOPING no one would be so crass as to try to intervene, and they wouldn't know exact methods, just that I'd tell them a date ahead of time so they can say their goodbyes to me). I know not to tell just anyone because of that parenthetical -- a 5150 vacation isn't on my pre-departure bucket list.


In the meantime, I'm gonna keep my venting about CTB on SS until my plans are concrete and set, so I don't freak anyone else out... this has also motivated me to do it away from home and at a place no one can find me at in a reasonable timeframe, because God forbid one of these people I give a chance to say goodbye to turns on me. So I guess I learned something

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It sounds like you did learn a little something. One never knows who might do a roundabout last minute, maybe thwarting the best laid plan, maybe even causing some serious, but unintentional, damage to someone, by thwarting their plan. I'm really sorry that your illness has put you in such a position as to having to plan your demise. Life is so unfair for way too many. If it were me, I would never divulge the exact time and place to anyone. If I felt compelled to say something to someone, I might merely inform them that the time is drawing near and that I just wanted to say goodbye and tell them how much their friendship has meant to me. Maybe that's just me, though.

 

[SamTam33]

I learned the hard way too. Others always think they know what's best for you and will try to force their way of thinking and doing things upon you.

It usually doesn't matter how many times or in how many ways you express your desire to die. If they want you to live, they will try to insert themselves and what they want - into the equation.

I used to be obsessed with people knowing ahead of time so we could have genuine goodbyes. I swiftly let go of that notion.

Now I remind myself that we can still say goodbye - it just won't be in the traditional sense.

They can share whatever thoughts they want at my grave site. I can tell them goodbye right now by speaking the words out loud to myself.

 

[Pluto]

I had a funny one the other day. I was chatting to someone from here, and a female friend simultaneously. I thought I was replying to the former but actually wasn't. I casually joked about returning to being suicidal 5 seconds after an uplifting event made me feel normal. Quickly realising my mistake, I tried to delete it, but she had already seen it, including my attempt at deletion. Whoops. Took some verbal gymnastics to get out of that one.

 

[nozomu]

It sounds like you did learn a little something. One never knows who might do a roundabout last minute, maybe thwarting the best laid plan, maybe even causing some serious, but unintentional, damage to someone, by thwarting their plan. I'm really sorry that your illness has put you in such a position as to having to plan your demise. Life is so unfair for way too many. If it were me, I would never divulge the exact time and place to anyone. If I felt compelled to say something to someone, I might merely inform them that the time is drawing near and that I just wanted to say goodbye and tell them how much their friendship has meant to me. Maybe that's just me, though.

Unfortunately my illness isn't terminal but it is debilitating and gets worse over time, which is why I'd like to make my own exit and CTB. I think I'd feel so deeply betrayed if someone I knew thwarted my plans.

I learned the hard way too. Others always think they know what's best for you and will try to force their way of thinking and doing things upon you.

It usually doesn't matter how many times or in how many ways you express your desire to die. If they want you to live, they will try to insert themselves and what they want - into the equation.

I used to be obsessed with people knowing ahead of time so we could have genuine goodbyes. I swiftly let go of that notion.

Now I remind myself that we can still say goodbye - it just won't be in the traditional sense.

They can share whatever thoughts they want at my grave site. I can tell them goodbye right now by speaking the words out loud to myself.

I might have to let go of the notion too, but I am unfortunately a very kind and empathetic person. I would want to give people the option if I knew they weren't going to thwart my plan.

I had a funny one the other day. I was chatting to someone from here, and a female friend simultaneously. I thought I was replying to the former but actually wasn't. I casually joked about returning to being suicidal 5 seconds after an uplifting event made me feel normal. Quickly realising my mistake, I tried to delete it, but she had already seen it, including my attempt at deletion. Whoops. Took some verbal gymnastics to get out of that one.

View attachment 102059

Lol, I was just on SS and my partner almost saw my phone and asked what I was doing... I'm glad the logo is abbreviated on mobile and I hope they didn't see the URL name we all have awkward moments I guess.

 

[almaranthine]

I'm sorry you are severely ill and that life has brought you to this point. I hope you are able to continue on for a while longer and that those close to you can make peace with your situation. Best wishes

 

[makethepainstop]

Sorry to post a vent again so soon. I have a privated account on another website that I use to vent as well, and I posted that I was going to start making plans to CTB, likely culminating in the next calendar year. I use this account like a journal and only my closest friends can see what I post.

My friend sent me a long PM and was panicking and crying because she interpreted this as I already had plans, and was acting/acted on them. Her message to me was very kind and sweet, but I feel bad that she panicked. I had a long call with her, and explained why I was making this decision and that it wouldn't be out of the blue and abrupt. I told her it was more like I am making an insurance policy for myself so I can persevere through my immense pain and suffering more boldly and freely. My plan to CTB is my last ditch effort at truly living and seeing if I can make it, with the peace of knowing I can leave if I can't.

She understood and calmed down but I still feel really bad. I want those I am close to to know ahead of time that I am CTB (they know I am very ill, so I am HOPING no one would be so crass as to try to intervene, and they wouldn't know exact methods, just that I'd tell them a date ahead of time so they can say their goodbyes to me). I know not to tell just anyone because of that parenthetical -- a 5150 vacation isn't on my pre-departure bucket list.


In the meantime, I'm gonna keep my venting about CTB on SS until my plans are concrete and set, so I don't freak anyone else out... this has also motivated me to do it away from home and at a place no one can find me at in a reasonable timeframe, because God forbid one of these people I give a chance to say goodbye to turns on me. So I guess I learned something

When people love you, really love you, the thought of you killing yourself is unbearable.
So they can cry, sometimes scream and they will most often attempt to interfere in even your best-laid plans. They really do not want to hurt you, but they will do damn near anything to keep you with them. As I have often stated they simply cannot feel our pain, the depth of our pain or how badly we just want the hurting to stop. Much love to you my friend.

 

[nozomu]

I'm sorry you are severely ill and that life has brought you to this point. I hope you are able to continue on for a while longer and that those close to you can make peace with your situation. Best wishes

I plan on taking my time with it. There's no rush to CTB. I just want the suffering to have an end and i want to be in control.

When people love you, really love you, the thought of you killing yourself is unbearable.
So they can cry, sometimes scream and they will most often attempt to interfere in even your best-laid plans. They really do not want to hurt you, but they will do damn near anything to keep you with them. As I have often stated they simply cannot feel our pain, the depth of our pain or how badly we just want the hurting to stop. Much love to you my friend.

Thank you... I wish they could understand our pain. I'd never want them to feel it.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I had a friend blindside me by siccing EMS on me. It was the most pointless trauma I have been through and that relationship never fully recovered. So I second the advice to always err on the side of discretion, no matter how badly you (understandably) want to reveal these things.

 

[nozomu]

I had a friend blindside me by siccing EMS on me. It was the most pointless trauma I have been through and that relationship never fully recovered. So I second the advice to always err on the side of discretion, no matter how badly you (understandably) want to reveal these things.

I would be devestated. I'm going to think of a way to incorporate giving my friends the space to say goodbye to me, without risking my plan. Adding it to the CTB to do list

 

[FuneralCry]

At least to me it's best to keep quiet about plans and wishes to ctb. Others cannot see life from our point of view as they are not experiencing our lives so they are often unable to understand that ctb is the preferable option for us. Also the thought of someone ctb represents what many people fear and of course there is the selfishness aspect to it all.

It's understandable as to why your friend acted like that, as for many people the thought of someone voluntarily choosing death over life shatters their worldview. But I wish you the best, at least to me it makes sense wanting a method planned for when the time is right for you to leave this world and of course there could never be anything wrong with suicide despite what some others think. Continuing to exist is only delaying the inevitable after all.

 

[Wannagonow]

I purposely don't tell my friends (all 2 of them) that I want to ctb. I feel like I am basically asking them to do something about it. Which I don't want. I also think it may make them feel responsible when I do ctb. Which of course they wouldn't be. But I respect that everyone is different. A different approach may work for you or others. I agree with you that this site seems to be a supportive place to share.

 

[makethepainstop]

I purposely don't tell my friends (all 2 of them) that I want to ctb. I feel like I am basically asking them to do something about it. Which I don't want. I also think it may make them feel responsible when I do ctb. Which of course they wouldn't be. But I respect that everyone is different. A different approach may work for you or others. I agree with you that this site seems to be a supportive place to share.

X-files 101, "Trust no one."

 

[nozomu]

I am a very honest person so it I find it immensely difficult to lie about stuff. I'm going to just find ways to be nebulous that fit my bill of honesty while not giving so much away that it could jeopardize my plan