Venting Friend advice — burnt out

[sothisispermanence]

I want to preface this by saying i have a lot of love for this friend, but i think I might be at my breaking point.

I am trying to keep this as vague as I can, I don't want to reveal any personal info.

We were at an event together all day on Friday. I did all of the planning and scheduling leading up to this event. I mostly considered what my friend wanted to do, which at first i was honestly happy to do. I had been looking forward to this day for months.

Day of i was constantly reassuring her and telling her she looked great and that she's doing great (I do this a lot when we hang out, she always needs a lot of reassurance). She was constantly checking how she looked in her phone camera very frequently (something she also does a lot). During the day we had done a lot of what she wanted to do, it felt like she was taking over the day. we also left early because she wanted to. I was quite tired and overwhelmed, so i just kept saying yes to everything—something i do a lot and struggle with. I understand now I should have spoken up about how i felt and said "no" a bit more.

After i got home from this event i have not stopped crying since. I understand she has her own issues, but i can only give so much of myself to her while I'm trying to hold myself together too.

I constantly feel overlooked in our friendship, i do a lot for her and consider her needs before my own most of the time. I shrink myself around everyone and say yes just so everyone else has a good time.

I texted her last night telling her how i felt. I tried my best to word it very kindly. i told her I'm not mad at her, just disappointed with how the day went. I told her i have a hard time expressing myself and i wish things went differently.

She texts me back today and says i made her feel "icky" and i put the burden of my day on her shoulders. I just feel like I'm at my wits end. It took so much for me to speak up and tell her how i felt this is what I get in return. I don't know what to do and i feel awful. I didn't intend to hurt her but clearly i did. I haven't stopped crying and I haven't been eating much. She is my only close friend. I am exhausted.

I apologize for the long post, and I'm also sorry if this isn't the right place for this post or the correct format, this is my first time posting here

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through this. All relationships are complex I feel. When you think about it, they are a constant stream of give and take. I expect we've all had times where things haven't felt great between our closest friends and, it's an awful feeling.

From what you've said, if I'm honest, I think you maybe need to look at your own behaviour the most for things to change though. Not to say either of you are wrong. You obviously like to please and accomodate people but it seems like it gets to the point where you do it so much that, you start to resent it. Is that fair to say? Maybe resent that they don't even notice how much you've given and they aren't quite sensitive enough to realise it might not be what you want anymore? I guess- to get around that, you'd need to start making sure that you do stuff you want to do as much as trying to please them.

Really though- from their point of view, they may not even realise that this made you unhappy because- you probably seemed more than willing to accomodate all the time. Not to say you shouldn't have said anything. I think it's important to be honest about how we feel in any relationship/ friendship. But, I suppose it's more about how you move forward with this. If you know that giving and accomodating towards other people eventually makes you feel used or unhappy, you probably need to make a decision on where you stop.

They can't stop you giving to them all the time- they'll likely just accept it. You probably need to draw boundaries to protect yourself. So- maybe you agree to meet but, you don't do all the planning suited to their needs. You take it in turns to decide what to eat, where to go, whatever else.

I don't really know if any of that helped. I wasn't trying to blame you either. I suppose I'm just looking at it from my own experience. It's like that phrase- 'Making a rod for your own back'. Sometimes, I've got frustrated with people's behaviour or responses to things but then, when I've actually looked at it logically, I've realised that it's been my behaviour that has caused them to react that way.

Your friend has really just openly accepted everything you offered them. They may not have noticed that it wasn't what you wanted in the end- which is kind of upsetting. But, they may not be perceptive enough to do that. To avoid that in future- I think you would need to either start offering less or- be honest about what you want more. But, I know that's hard in itself when you're not that kind of person. Do your interests mostly align though? Hopefully, that would make it easier to find things you'd mutually enjoy.

 

[star.trip]

In these cases it is best to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes.
What does friendship mean to her? What is her concept of you?
The problem with saying yes to everything is that the message that reaches the other person is that he/she can do whatever she wants and if he/she doesn't care about you, he/she will take advantage of it. In addition, he can tell you that you said yes to me (objectively he is right). So whatever you comment or criticize, she can tell you that. This could give you an idea of what this person is like, because she has not known how to value you as a person or she does not care about you. She seems to have little empathy (I don't know you and I don't know her).

On the other hand, the fact that you have prepared everything so that it goes well with the intention that you wanted, has not been valued. Well, she did not perceive that intention or did not want to see it. In that case, you should consider whether continuing with that person is good for you or not. And if it always makes you feel bad, the solution is to move away (it hurts, but it is the most sensible thing to do).

Regarding telling her how you felt with her, it seems to me the most correct thing to do. Now, she is trying to take the blame for you having a bad time (I say this because she makes that comment and you have to ask yourself what she is trying to do with that comment). Sometimes, it happens that it is easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility. But you have expressed yourself as you could.

That which is given freely, is always despised because it has value (understood value as friendship, love...). When you have to work hard to get something, you value it more for the time and actions you have put into it. When something does not cost you, you do not give it importance because it is easy.

This is just my opinion. I hope it helps, and if it doesn't, then ignore it.

 

[sothisispermanence]

Thank you both for the advice, I really appreciate it. Having an outsider perspective is really helpful. I have a hard time setting boundaries and I realize now that I desperately need to work on that. I still care about my friend, but I think I should give a bit of distance for now and try to work on myself and my behavior. Thank you both again for your time and very thoughtful answers.