Venting found a letter from 12 y/o me.

[cryvinglightning]

i was looking for a certificate to send to my uni and instead i found a letter i wrote when i was 12, addressed to "future me". (for reference, i keep all my old papers in the same drawer).
it's exactly one page long, very superficial, and in the ugliest handwriting in the world.
the letter opens with me explaining that i chose to write on some fancy letter paper because i didn't want it to go to waste. then i go into detail about rethinking my will to CTB.

reasons listed by 12 y/o me for not catching the bus:

1. - you won't be able to listen to music and watch anime anymore;
2. - you still haven't been to a BTS concert;
3. - your dog and cat will miss you (i had a different dog and only one cat at the time);
4. - you won't hang out with your best friends and won't get your fave bubble tea;
5. - you still haven't had a boyfriend.

it was signed "stay safe, i love you".

aside from the overall superficiality of this weird piece of paper, one thing that really stuck with me is how, even at that age, i was thinking of CTBing and how i never once mention my family (aside from my pets) as a reason to keep living. now like then, i've never thought of them when i feel like i need to keep going. they've never been a strong support system for me. if anything, it's the opposite.
now i'm just kind of sitting at my desk and putting order in my papers. i feel very weird.

 

[Mayonaise]

Being 12 and wanting to die must be atrocious. However, I don't find your letter to be superficial at all. Even if you don't mention your family - I suppose you had legitimate reasons for that - you do mention your pets and friends. That means you are able to connect to others and that's a very good thing.
My story is very different. In short, I suffered badly when I was 16-18 because I found myself to be very different from my peers. I felt out of place because I have always been an introvert and somewhat of a deep thinker. I kept sticking around the people I thought were "cool" just to find out I wasn't nearly like them.
I engaged in heavy drinking and was at risk of becoming an alcoholic.
I eventually managed to break the habit and get back to a healthier lifestyle, which included stepping away from that environment I didn't belong to.

Anyway, I liked your post and wanted to share some pieces of life with you.
I truly hope that "it gets worse before it gets better" applies to you - I hope you'll get better soon.

 

[dinosavr]

The way you wrote that letter just like that, it's so sad :( I'm sorry you have to deal with it all for so long already