Method For those planning to use SN, how are you overcoming any fear?

[rj3542]

Hi everyone, this is my intro post and the first time I've been able to talk about these things, which is such a relief. I tried talking about it to a friend once before, but he kept trying to make everything positive and tell me to vision what I wanted to make it a reality, but that's just not been my life.

I've been reading a lot on here since January and finally made an account.

I have chronic illnesses (Lyme and complications) and major chronic pain from fracturing my spine in a horse accident as a kid that makes it hard to work. It also gave me a bad head injury that caused lifelong neurotransmitter issues. All to say, life has been tough, but I preserved for a long time and spent a lot of time and money on everything possible to improve my quality of life. It takes hours a day of self care just to be able to work or travel, but I did it for many years, and I'm just totally worn out from it all. I've tried numerous meds, supplements, therapies, including several procedures on my spine to get better. This journey consumed my life, but I still pushed forward and found things to enjoy.

I'm not much of a complainer, but my husband never had patience for my health problems and finally got completely tired of me last year. He didn't want to help anymore, and honestly I'm not sure he ever really loves me.

My family doesn't live close, but also has never been supportive and sometimes even denied I had problems even when showed xrays and MRI of injuries, so I'm mostly on my own with a little help from the few friends I have, but they have their own lives of course and are busy. I feel really guilty for how my friends and family will feel, and I've been working through this.

I'm at a point where I'm just weary emotionally and physically every day and am ready to let go. I'm in midlife, and I've done as much as I want. I'm ready to let go of the suffering and struggle. I've been contemplating having choice about an exit for 15+ years, and have been seeking a solid method for 6 months. I found the PHP, final exit, and this website, which I'm so grateful for. I've had plenty of time to consider it so I know it's a rational choice and not a fleeting thought.

I ready tried and had trouble with Nitrogen method, which caused me very rapid heartbeat, severe anxiety, and weird muscle movements without passing out, even with following the method. This seems to be an unusual effect.

So now I've been reading as much about SN as I can since I've finally sourced everything, but still need to test the SN when it arrives. I've been reading all the successful and failed attempt accounts. For some it seems peaceful and for others very painful, even with AE and propranolol, and I only see the 1 observer account of Moonicide of what happened after loss of consciousness. These accounts are so helpful btw.

I'm most concerned about it becoming too painful, but I've already experienced inpatient psych and never want that again, so calling EMS if it's too much is out of the question.

I do have some Ativan I can add, I should have meto and propranolol, and I have risperidone. I have oxycodone or tramadol I could use, if I can figure out the timing.

I didn't mean for this to get so long.

I'm wondering, for those of you who are planning your CTB, how are you working through any fears of pain or failure? How do you muster the courage to take the SN? I'm trying to think of what my future holds if I don't, which helps, but I'm still concerned.

Thanks so much for reading and any responses or thoughts.

 

[doingitrighthistime]

I'm planning on sipping out of a straw which I think will make it easier. What are you concerned with pain for with the SN? Because of the tachycardia or the stomach? I'll be getting mine in soon.

Yes, inpatient psych is NOT fun.

I'm planning on sipping out of a straw which I think will make it easier. What are you concerned with pain for with the SN? Because of the tachycardia or the stomach? I'll be getting mine in soon.

Yes, inpatient psych is NOT fun.

Thankfully, the likelihood of failure is very low unless you're found.
I don't know how I'll get myself to do it and I'm also afraid I'll call for help after I do

 

[divinemistress36]

Fear is holding me back

 

[rj3542]

I'm planning on sipping out of a straw which I think will make it easier. What are you concerned with pain for with the SN? Because of the tachycardia or the stomach? I'll be getting mine in soon.

Yes, inpatient psych is NOT fun.

Thankfully, the likelihood of failure is very low unless you're found.
I don't know how I'll get myself to do it and I'm also afraid I'll call for help after I do

Yeah, it's fear of the pain and tachy. Some people seem to not have a lot of pain and others said it was really bad. I wonder if fear of dying makes it worse?

I was thinking I might let my phone battery die so I can't call for help if I end up in a daze and not thinking clearly or panicking.

 

[sevensquared]

I'm not really. The fear is overwhelming. I'm really scared because benzos always put me to sleep and i dont know how many to take or when just to feel calmer but awake. I'd like to experiment with the dose but I've only got a few and can't get any more

 

[rj3542]

I'm not really. The fear is overwhelming. I'm really scared because benzos always put me to sleep and i dont know how many to take or when just to feel calmer but awake. I'd like to experiment with the dose but I've only got a few and can't get any more

I'm trying to figure out the right benzo dose and timing as well. I have 1 valium, I think 5 Xanax, but several Ativan. I don't want to ask for more valium or Xanax either, and I know the Ativan isnta as good, but it's what I have. The PhP lists very high doses for benzos. Trying to map this part out so I can be zonked out. I was.alao thinking about using tramadol or oxycodone for the pain reliever, but unclear about dose. I don't want to add to the nausea.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I'm freaking about the tachycardia causing SI to kick in. I've had it really badly before from a near fatal thyroid storm & also from a bad reaction to a (prescribed) ADHD drug. And that heart racing feeling makes my brain go into anxiety mode at a time when I need to be calm. I'm going to book a hotel or caravan park, write a note on the outside of an internal locked door, probably attempt to barricade myself in there depending on what they have - I haven't picked a place yet. But I'm legit thinking about moving couches or whatever to barricade the exit & then do the same in the room I attempt to CTB. I will one hundred percent destroy my phone & the hotel phone once I'm situated. I'm hoping that not having a phone will be super helpful & that if I have taken the SN, I'll be too weak to overcome 2 barricaded exits. And that if it's rural, even if I scream for help, maybe no one will hear me. My 2 big issues, that if anyone has any clue at all, please let me know - 1 is that I'm allergic to propranolol & have no idea what else would stop the tachycardia & no idea if I would be allergic to other beta blockers - I only tried the one. Literally anything to stop the tachycardia, it's really what I'm worried about making me stay awake or panic or something???? And the second is about Valium & temazepam. I have access to a decent amount of both, but I've taken 2 temazepam & 1 diazepam daily for years - does that mean I need more than other people?? Will that help me be calm? Will too much make me vomit? What's too much? I'm a 53 kilo female. I would honestly like to suck them down like lollies - some before the first SN dose but I don't know how many??? And more after my backup dose??? I really don't know & need help with this part of it - how to prevent tachycardia & the maximum amount of temazepam & diazepam I can take & at each stage???!

 

[rj3542]

@DOHARDTHINGS24
A thyroid storm is definitely terrifying. What happened when you took propranolol?
I have heard if you take benzos regularly you build a tolerance so may need more.
My plan is to crush the benzos in a little water to make a paste and dissolve in my mouth to bypass my stomach and increase onset.

I posted in a other thread about OD on benzos and the response might be helpful.

I'm not sure about the tachyca6 though. It seems very anxiety provoking for you, understandably. Do you feel another method may be better because of this or is your heart set on SN?

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Yeah, it's fear of the pain and tachy. Some people seem to not have a lot of pain and others said it was really bad. I wonder if fear of dying makes it worse?

I was thinking I might let my phone battery die so I can't call for help if I end up in a daze and not thinking clearly or panicking.

me too. i;ve read about so many calling for help after drinking SN , damn si. that's what's stopping me and also other things you mentioned in your post. can't fail.

i've read about so many "saving" themselves even unconsciously in all kinds of ways , even without a phone just telling someone else etc. i need to find an isolated spot . .

 

[justwannadip]

I'm freaking about the tachycardia causing SI to kick in. I've had it really badly before from a near fatal thyroid storm & also from a bad reaction to a (prescribed) ADHD drug. And that heart racing feeling makes my brain go into anxiety mode at a time when I need to be calm. I'm going to book a hotel or caravan park, write a note on the outside of an internal locked door, probably attempt to barricade myself in there depending on what they have - I haven't picked a place yet. But I'm legit thinking about moving couches or whatever to barricade the exit & then do the same in the room I attempt to CTB. I will one hundred percent destroy my phone & the hotel phone once I'm situated. I'm hoping that not having a phone will be super helpful & that if I have taken the SN, I'll be too weak to overcome 2 barricaded exits. And that if it's rural, even if I scream for help, maybe no one will hear me. My 2 big issues, that if anyone has any clue at all, please let me know - 1 is that I'm allergic to propranolol & have no idea what else would stop the tachycardia & no idea if I would be allergic to other beta blockers - I only tried the one. Literally anything to stop the tachycardia, it's really what I'm worried about making me stay awake or panic or something???? And the second is about Valium & temazepam. I have access to a decent amount of both, but I've taken 2 temazepam & 1 diazepam daily for years - does that mean I need more than other people?? Will that help me be calm? Will too much make me vomit? What's too much? I'm a 53 kilo female. I would honestly like to suck them down like lollies - some before the first SN dose but I don't know how many??? And more after my backup dose??? I really don't know & need help with this part of it - how to prevent tachycardia & the maximum amount of temazepam & diazepam I can take & at each stage???!

These are also my fears. I have anxiety and ocd so i dont trust myself to not try to reverse it. Idk if I should leave my phone somewhere else, even tho I want to go I still want to give myself the choice to call for help…but I hope I don't do that. I just worry that not having a phone with me will make me panic even more and my last moments will be awful (like imagine running out into the hotel hallway trying to knock on someone's door for help while vomiting and turning blue). Wish I had anhedonia and 0 anxiety about it so I could just do it.

 

[divinemistress36]

me too. i;ve read about so many calling for help after drinking SN , damn si. that's what's stopping me and also other things you mentioned in your post. can't fail.

i've read about so many "saving" themselves even unconsciously in all kinds of ways , even without a phone just telling someone else etc. i need to find an isolated spot . .

Same. Even in a hotel im afraid i would reach out for help or someone would hear me

 

[mazam]

medo de que a morte ocorra por asfixia com SN.

 

[Joansoon]

Fear is holding me back

Same! I mean I can't change my mind if I go through with it. I also think about my mum - she's the only one I have that I care about, who I'll be leaving behind.

On a side note, I hear that your skin /face gets darker when you use SN. Is this true?

 

[Panopticon021]

I've been like this for soooo long. I have moved past the tears, the fear, the wild emotions. I'm now in a really calm, confident place with my mind made up. I'm in the departure lounge. No going back now. It's kinda scary just how calm I am.

• I am going to stay up as long as I can. Sleep is not a problem for me, if I stay up for a long time, I figure I can nod off very quickly after drinking SN.
• That said, I will take something to calm me down just before
• I am planning to fast all day, and take anti emetics regularly for a day or 2 before
• I am planning to shot the SN in x2 goes.
• I will take an antacid and a sweet to take the taste out of my mouth

I already have tachycardia - so that's nothing new.

I have it all sussed, RIGHT? Not quite. I have everything I need EXCEPT the SN itself. If anyone can DM with a source to deliver to NZ, I would be extra grateful. The "usual places" have all turned me down when they see my delivery address.

 

[divinemistress36]

Same! I mean I can't change my mind if I go through with it. I also think about my mum - she's the only one I have that I care about, who I'll be leaving behind.

On a side note, I hear that your skin /face gets darker when you use SN. Is this true?

Yes and lips and fingernails get blue
Thinking of getting fake nails before so i cant see my fingernails turning blue

 

[ringo99]

Simple. I remind myself about the kind of life I have ahead of me if I choose to live

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

@DOHARDTHINGS24
A thyroid storm is definitely terrifying. What happened when you took propranolol?
I have heard if you take benzos regularly you build a tolerance so may need more.
My plan is to crush the benzos in a little water to make a paste and dissolve in my mouth to bypass my stomach and increase onset.

I posted in a other thread about OD on benzos and the response might be helpful.

I'm not sure about the tachyca6 though. It seems very anxiety provoking for you, understandably. Do you feel another method may be better because of this or is your heart set on SN?

SN is my only option right now. I had a weird reaction to the beta blocker - I have a history of (I've maybe forgotten the real words, there's about 3 or so) idiosyncratic reactions etc. Either meds do the opposite to me of what they're for or I get highly unusual side effects that aren't listed anywhere but when I stop the meds, the side effects go away - it's a pain. Highly unlikely for anyone else to get the same side effects & especially if not taking for long in advance. It is freaking me out that I'll have an adverse reaction to SN - that my body just accepts it or I start vomiting immediately or I pass out too quick for the second dose etc. It's such an unknown.
My endocrine system is unique & busted up apparently.
The thyroid storm was insane but I wish now I'd taken that opportunity & just died then.
I would imagine I have a high tolerance for a lot of prescription meds that I've been taking long term & that stresses me out too. I'm going to crush the pills too. I am really worried I'll confuse tachycardia for wanting to live & panic making me get help. My decision is made. It won't be unmade. I know for some people the decision is reversible & for some it's not. I'm doing this. I'm just scared of failure. And that my SN isn't legit or whatever. I only have one shot at this. I know other people say that's not true but I have a tonne of life circumstances that are fucked up - if I don't successfully CTB, I honestly don't know how to keep on living. My past is horrid, my present is untenable, but the future - I can't even begin to think of it. So I don't have a plan B to CTB. And I don't have a plan B to SN. I wish I had a backup source but I don't. And I'm too scared to test too far in advance. I really don't know of another option - I hadn't heard of SN until I joined here - I had stupidly thought I could just OD on what I had on hand & only came here to find lethal quantities & that's when I found out how stupid I really am. I need to go. And soon. And I wanna get it right. I can't do guns or hanging & I'm not confident I'd get charcoal or gas right & I can't jump & I wouldn't jump in front of a train driver & I just don't know what else I could do that is idiot proof. I need idiot proof..,

These are also my fears. I have anxiety and ocd so i dont trust myself to not try to reverse it. Idk if I should leave my phone somewhere else, even tho I want to go I still want to give myself the choice to call for help…but I hope I don't do that. I just worry that not having a phone with me will make me panic even more and my last moments will be awful (like imagine running out into the hotel hallway trying to knock on someone's door for help while vomiting and turning blue). Wish I had anhedonia and 0 anxiety about it so I could just do it.

I'm definitely turning off anything location related before I leave my house. Getting situated at the hotel. If I haven't tested the SN, test the SN.
Destroying the hotel phone immediately.
Have a literal checklist of what to do & do most of it, like making up the SN, taking some anxiety meds.
Then have a note to destroy phone.
And a separate list of what to do after.
So that I don't destroy before I make up the SN etc or if I need to look on here for a regimen tip or anything last minute.
But don't have after taking the SN & hoping I can just get through it. According to ER doctors, I have an unusually high pain threshold but I also make an exceptional amount of noise - they'll be pumping morphine into my stomach saying they didn't know why I hadn't gone to doctor or hospital earlier & I just shrug it off - but I make a racket, just like I do at the gym - I don't want to but I'm always the loudest groaner & grunter there too. It's embarrassing in those circumstances but really fucking terrifying in these CTB & SN circumstances. Anxiety is a bitch & tachycardia mimics it & I've suffered both & it's very easy to confuse one for the other. I'm hoping I can get the right amount of anxiety meds into me without vomiting & that it's all smooth sailing. I see a lot in the unsuccessful cases that it's about being found too quickly or panicking & calling for help, rather than actually mucking up the SN….

 

[rj3542]

@DOHARDTHINGS24
I'm dealing with uncertainties too and it's also not an option for me to fail because of life circumstances. I can't take care of myself independently very well anymore and the alternatives are awful.

The closer I get to my ctb date the more I'm starting to freak out about whether I'll succeed. I do have nitrogen setup, but I had an unusual experience where I didn't pass out even with oxygen down to 55%. I've only passed out once and it was from a bad head injury. I'm worried I won't go unconscious for a long time or that I'll also have paradoxical reactions to the meds.

With the noise you make, may I suggest an airbnb instead of hotel? There have been more than a few reports of people being rescued too early in hotels because other guests heard the noises and someone called paramedics.

Wishing you good luck and peace. It's not an easy journey to make.

 

[Joansoon]

Yes and lips and fingernails get blue
Thinking of getting fake nails before so i cant see my fingernails turning blue

That's a good idea... But Idk about the lips.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

@DOHARDTHINGS24
I'm dealing with uncertainties too and it's also not an option for me to fail because of life circumstances. I can't take care of myself independently very well anymore and the alternatives are awful.

The closer I get to my ctb date the more I'm starting to freak out about whether I'll succeed. I do have nitrogen setup, but I had an unusual experience where I didn't pass out even with oxygen down to 55%. I've only passed out once and it was from a bad head injury. I'm worried I won't go unconscious for a long time or that I'll also have paradoxical reactions to the meds.

With the noise you make, may I suggest an airbnb instead of hotel? There have been more than a few reports of people being rescued too early in hotels because other guests heard the noises and someone called paramedics.

Wishing you good luck and peace. It's not an easy journey to make.

Hey thanks. I'm looking into rural cabin like properties that aren't attached, like a crappy caravan park or an expensive (leave credit debt to my ex…) villa style place. Another helpful tip someone generously gave me on here was to set myself up on the floor in the recovery position - no chance of people hearing me fall off anything etc. I'm known for the paradoxical & adverse & idiosyncratic & the rest for side effects too - runs in my family - I can never remember what they're called…And your first paragraph is defs where I'm at too. Sorry that's where you're at.

 

[andreamysk]

[...]

I'm wondering, for those of you who are planning your CTB, how are you working through any fears of pain or failure? How do you muster the courage to take the SN? I'm trying to think of what my future holds if I don't, which helps, but I'm still concerned.

I believe that many people feel the same fear here. However, you were good at planning things and recovering what was necessary. I will focus on the pain that has accompanied me for years (as well as for you, from what I have read) and on the relativity of the pain that the SN may cause (however short, compared to a time measured in years). I try every day to visualize the sense of peace and relief in interrupting this state of suffering (like athletes visualize their performance before a race: it seems bullshit, but it works; visualize that state of peace, whenever you have the opportunity. .. the panic will not disappear, but you will give it less space: take it as a daily exercise).
I wish you all the best and relief.