rj3542
Member
- Jun 27, 2024
- 86
Hi everyone, this is my intro post and the first time I've been able to talk about these things, which is such a relief. I tried talking about it to a friend once before, but he kept trying to make everything positive and tell me to vision what I wanted to make it a reality, but that's just not been my life.
I've been reading a lot on here since January and finally made an account.
I have chronic illnesses (Lyme and complications) and major chronic pain from fracturing my spine in a horse accident as a kid that makes it hard to work. It also gave me a bad head injury that caused lifelong neurotransmitter issues. All to say, life has been tough, but I preserved for a long time and spent a lot of time and money on everything possible to improve my quality of life. It takes hours a day of self care just to be able to work or travel, but I did it for many years, and I'm just totally worn out from it all. I've tried numerous meds, supplements, therapies, including several procedures on my spine to get better. This journey consumed my life, but I still pushed forward and found things to enjoy.
I'm not much of a complainer, but my husband never had patience for my health problems and finally got completely tired of me last year. He didn't want to help anymore, and honestly I'm not sure he ever really loves me.
My family doesn't live close, but also has never been supportive and sometimes even denied I had problems even when showed xrays and MRI of injuries, so I'm mostly on my own with a little help from the few friends I have, but they have their own lives of course and are busy. I feel really guilty for how my friends and family will feel, and I've been working through this.
I'm at a point where I'm just weary emotionally and physically every day and am ready to let go. I'm in midlife, and I've done as much as I want. I'm ready to let go of the suffering and struggle. I've been contemplating having choice about an exit for 15+ years, and have been seeking a solid method for 6 months. I found the PHP, final exit, and this website, which I'm so grateful for. I've had plenty of time to consider it so I know it's a rational choice and not a fleeting thought.
I ready tried and had trouble with Nitrogen method, which caused me very rapid heartbeat, severe anxiety, and weird muscle movements without passing out, even with following the method. This seems to be an unusual effect.
So now I've been reading as much about SN as I can since I've finally sourced everything, but still need to test the SN when it arrives. I've been reading all the successful and failed attempt accounts. For some it seems peaceful and for others very painful, even with AE and propranolol, and I only see the 1 observer account of Moonicide of what happened after loss of consciousness. These accounts are so helpful btw.
I'm most concerned about it becoming too painful, but I've already experienced inpatient psych and never want that again, so calling EMS if it's too much is out of the question.
I do have some Ativan I can add, I should have meto and propranolol, and I have risperidone. I have oxycodone or tramadol I could use, if I can figure out the timing.
I didn't mean for this to get so long.
I'm wondering, for those of you who are planning your CTB, how are you working through any fears of pain or failure? How do you muster the courage to take the SN? I'm trying to think of what my future holds if I don't, which helps, but I'm still concerned.
Thanks so much for reading and any responses or thoughts.
I've been reading a lot on here since January and finally made an account.
I have chronic illnesses (Lyme and complications) and major chronic pain from fracturing my spine in a horse accident as a kid that makes it hard to work. It also gave me a bad head injury that caused lifelong neurotransmitter issues. All to say, life has been tough, but I preserved for a long time and spent a lot of time and money on everything possible to improve my quality of life. It takes hours a day of self care just to be able to work or travel, but I did it for many years, and I'm just totally worn out from it all. I've tried numerous meds, supplements, therapies, including several procedures on my spine to get better. This journey consumed my life, but I still pushed forward and found things to enjoy.
I'm not much of a complainer, but my husband never had patience for my health problems and finally got completely tired of me last year. He didn't want to help anymore, and honestly I'm not sure he ever really loves me.
My family doesn't live close, but also has never been supportive and sometimes even denied I had problems even when showed xrays and MRI of injuries, so I'm mostly on my own with a little help from the few friends I have, but they have their own lives of course and are busy. I feel really guilty for how my friends and family will feel, and I've been working through this.
I'm at a point where I'm just weary emotionally and physically every day and am ready to let go. I'm in midlife, and I've done as much as I want. I'm ready to let go of the suffering and struggle. I've been contemplating having choice about an exit for 15+ years, and have been seeking a solid method for 6 months. I found the PHP, final exit, and this website, which I'm so grateful for. I've had plenty of time to consider it so I know it's a rational choice and not a fleeting thought.
I ready tried and had trouble with Nitrogen method, which caused me very rapid heartbeat, severe anxiety, and weird muscle movements without passing out, even with following the method. This seems to be an unusual effect.
So now I've been reading as much about SN as I can since I've finally sourced everything, but still need to test the SN when it arrives. I've been reading all the successful and failed attempt accounts. For some it seems peaceful and for others very painful, even with AE and propranolol, and I only see the 1 observer account of Moonicide of what happened after loss of consciousness. These accounts are so helpful btw.
I'm most concerned about it becoming too painful, but I've already experienced inpatient psych and never want that again, so calling EMS if it's too much is out of the question.
I do have some Ativan I can add, I should have meto and propranolol, and I have risperidone. I have oxycodone or tramadol I could use, if I can figure out the timing.
I didn't mean for this to get so long.
I'm wondering, for those of you who are planning your CTB, how are you working through any fears of pain or failure? How do you muster the courage to take the SN? I'm trying to think of what my future holds if I don't, which helps, but I'm still concerned.
Thanks so much for reading and any responses or thoughts.
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