Discussion For some reason, i'm too stubborn to ctb

[LifeOfTheCursed]

These two years have been rough, i have went through things that build up so much stress and after so many stress limits broke it eventually took a good chunk out of my mental health, sanity and even my physical health, sleeping 16 hours a day without eating at all and multiple attempts of CTB, some were just me staying over the edge not doing the final step or struggling for hours to partial hang myself properly because for the love of god i could not just stop standing up gasping for air and reaching out to something i can hold onto.

Why am i writing this here out of all places. Well, i would still choose to die over living to be honest. If someone would hand me a gun i'd go for it right away. My last attempt was... i think before february came around, somewhere around late january. After yet another failed attempt i had trouble sleeping, i kept hearing things and feel "hands" grabbing my waist and such. After a good amount of time i managed to treat my psychosis symptoms to a point i can sleep properly and think clearly.

And with the braincells i've got left and screws both tightened and let loose i've been thinking and man, i'm simply too stubborn to die, yes i say i'd shoot myself if i had the option but that's what i said about partial hanging too and look where that lead me, back in bed trying to sleep. There is still too many things wrong with me, i doubt i'll live the same and enjoy life the same way i did in the past but unless someone or something other than me kills me i doubt i'm going to die too soon.

I guess i'm writing this here because i'm sure some of you felt the same way, you WANT to go ahead and die but there's something just stopping you from actually doing it. Life sucks ass, nothing about my life changed except for the fact i sleep and eat a lot better now. I may have a decent day but i still end up staring in the corner of my room for no reason whenever i get back home. I don't really know what will come next, i feel like i've lost my ability to think for the future, all i truly know is that i'm not going to ctb anytime soon. Wether that is a good thing or not it's subjective, but it is a damn shame i can't seem to think for the future properly anymore

 

[Doemu]

Happend to me last 17 years. Being strong is a curse, if you don't recover at the end.

I hope you find your way to peace, one way or another. And never have to regret.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry u have to go through this. Living is hard dying is even harder. There's a Suicide Resource Compilation and if this is your true desire you can find reliable methods that are actually lethal in a serious attempt. However there's still SI and that is so hard to overcome. I hope you can find peace somehow.

 

[XINGBATAI]

These two years have been rough, i have went through things that build up so much stress and after so many stress limits broke it eventually took a good chunk out of my mental health, sanity and even my physical health, sleeping 16 hours a day without eating at all and multiple attempts of CTB, some were just me staying over the edge not doing the final step or struggling for hours to partial hang myself properly because for the love of god i could not just stop standing up gasping for air and reaching out to something i can hold onto.

Why am i writing this here out of all places. Well, i would still choose to die over living to be honest. If someone would hand me a gun i'd go for it right away. My last attempt was... i think before february came around, somewhere around late january. After yet another failed attempt i had trouble sleeping, i kept hearing things and feel "hands" grabbing my waist and such. After a good amount of time i managed to treat my psychosis symptoms to a point i can sleep properly and think clearly.

And with the braincells i've got left and screws both tightened and let loose i've been thinking and man, i'm simply too stubborn to die, yes i say i'd shoot myself if i had the option but that's what i said about partial hanging too and look where that lead me, back in bed trying to sleep. There is still too many things wrong with me, i doubt i'll live the same and enjoy life the same way i did in the past but unless someone or something other than me kills me i doubt i'm going to die too soon.

I guess i'm writing this here because i'm sure some of you felt the same way, you WANT to go ahead and die but there's something just stopping you from actually doing it. Life sucks ass, nothing about my life changed except for the fact i sleep and eat a lot better now. I may have a decent day but i still end up staring in the corner of my room for no reason whenever i get back home. I don't really know what will come next, i feel like i've lost my ability to think for the future, all i truly know is that i'm not going to ctb anytime soon. Wether that is a good thing or not it's subjective, but it is a damn shame i can't seem to think for the future properly anymore

I feel the same in a lot of ways, though I would almost never even consider using a gun because, contrary to what many believe, there is too much room for error. I can think of a few situations where I would off myself immediately without any hesitation, but the chances of them occurring are very low. I would have a hard time doing it myself because not knowing what happens to us when we die, if I had to suffer consequences for ending it myself, it would defeat the purpose.

because I feel this way, I've found myself always exhibiting high risk behavior. For example, back when I was in my early 20s me and a few friends were robbed at gunpoint. I didn't give the guy shit and flat out told him that he will get nothing from me and go get fucked. He had the gun to my head. Everyone else gave him all they had, but he got nothing from me. I'm not really sure why he didn't shoot me. Maybe he thought I was nuts when he sensed that I was completely calm and devoid of fear, or that I was going to do something to him; or maybe he just didn't intend to kill anyone. All my friends thought I was so brave, but they didn't understand. My "bravery" stemmed from me not caring and feeling that he would actually be doing me a favor by pulling the trigger.

But not knowing whether or not there is an afterlife, I just can't risk any spiritual consequences for ending my life because that would defeat the purpose