Amnesiaisalloverme
My previous name here was 249___nnn
- Oct 4, 2022
- 44
Sorry its quite repeatitive as i dont have a coherrent thought process and it took me a month to slowly write this all:
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Starting with my evening episode. So i start to feel very depressed at first and then i literally start to get half unconscious as if something if covering my body and im coming under the dark shadow of something, body starts to feel heavy and mind cloudy, eyes also gets heavy and the tingly sensation in eyes(it happens almost all the time). It keeps intensifying as the evening progresses and i become completely senseless, memory fades,extremely dizzy and numb like i know my past and present but i dont have any clue what is happening around me or what people are saying and what i have to do. I just have this awareness that im a person, dissociation basically. At this time i start to recite as in meditation n also try to take salt bath but it doesn't help much. It gets to the point where i just lay and stare like a dead body and cannot do a goddamn thing. The episode continues till 8 or sometimes even more n after it leaves me with an extremely foggy brain and heavy and tired body as if i did extreme labour(i feel extremely tired after healing too but thats bcz the weight gets lifted a bit). When i m in uni at this time it becomes so hard to not being in senses and seeing things(people) moving around. I go to a spiritual healing centre for my condition. Healing at this time wards off the heaviness but i stay still like a zombie nevertheless. I would compare it with a depressive episode as i get pangs of despair and depressive feelings at this time but its definitely different from what a normal episode for a depression patient is but yes it causes me bad depression(all the symptoms of crippling depression ,desperation and something bads gonna happen and im missing out on something, fears . This emotion of despair doesn't let me focus for even 5 mins n these emotions heighten before the episode n then i loose it all like depression is on peak before and during my episode . At this point i mostly have breakdowns. ). Sometimes i get into the freeze mode after it and cudnt think at all. If i dont get the healing ill become badly hysterical n crazy n its not psychological ofcourse. I become suicidal just bcz of this coz its not managable n my entire day gets consumed by this. Other symptoms occur alongside the episode sometimes(different everyday but consistent in their nature) but mostly those are outside of it. The depression is also consistent coz i dont feel good enough even when in senses like talking to people doing stuff etc.
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The second big symptom is body imbalance and loss of coordination accompanied by heavy breathing difficulties. It happens mostly after the episode or after healing at times, sometimes can happen all day. In this state i have no control over my body and feels like falling n brain feels so foggy and like somethings constantly eating up brain and i possibly cannot work and keep myself busy n feel so stuck. Any body movement is painful. Also i feel it is originating from my neck region. I had various xrays over the years and saw alot of doctors for this and poor memory (i cannot learn anything coz of this). Had brain mris many times but everytime the results come they are fine and the doctor laughs at me and sends me to the psychiatrist. I had my very last brain mri done iguess in 2018 and at that time the doctor said they are completely fine but arent very excellent but i shud just start walking everyday lol or see a psychiatrist. By his "not very excellent" remarks i can guess i might have a declined cognative function coz it is so obvious. I have been to psychiatrists ever since i was a 15 when my symptoms have started to show a lil like body coordination and memory problems but their meds never helped me.they also sent me to ent for an ear test at that age bcz balance issues are related to ears and the test came fine. Once they admitted me to the ward for a month as a morning outpatient but i cud only keep up for 2 weeks as my mental health was deteorating by seeing patients there. All my fucking life i was just kept running to doctors back and forth just to get a diagnosis but came home dissapointed. Parents have wasted so much money on me with no use. My symptoms arent a result of depression. I have developed it now as a result of these crushing years of facing these things and circumstances ofcourse. But when they admitted me i was so much better n not depressed at all. Only wanted my memory to get like a normal persons and getting rid of these symptoms. .
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Another very significant symptom is I almost all the time feel vibration in head as if there is some sort of buzzing n something is attached to it n eating my brain especially after waking up. Brain feels so exhausted that i cannot explain. All the time i feel air going in through ears. Sometimes in one ear, sometimes from one ear to the other. Mostly all the time i feel like getting choked and somethings moving in my blood and i cud feel the vibrations especially after healing session.
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.
Some lil symptoms which come along and stay almost all the time are nausea, stomach pain,staying dizzy all the time, increased heartrate, staying cold,not being able to eat during body imbalance thing, not being able to speak to people, broken sentences bcz of fog and stuttering issues which causes extreme anxiety, badly regressed cognitive skills like reasoning and logical skills,confusion, delayed responses over events(people literally call me a slow processor), poor concentration and focus, amnesia , sometimes feeling high without any substance use and feels like im sleeping like ihave been drugged but i only have my eyes closed and not really sleeping(its like narcolepsy) , irritability, insomnia sometimes, hair loss (turning bald), have osteomalacia which has caused soft bones, knock knees, flat feet, kyphosis(slight scoliosis) severe back pain(need a support to sit) joints and muscular pains, unable to lift heavy objects or write etc.
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Also some peculiar things which are related to the spiritual stuff and are not really believable by people . I feel like something is following me or standing behind me . I see figures all around especially at night time and in dark. I get frightened to hell by it. I cannot sleep alone or in dark bcz of the reason, and have horrible dreams , i wake up hysterically almost everyday, i m afraid of going to sleep sometimes bcz of it. I really feel like something is stuck inside my head and body and cudnt get out . Sometimes feel like im just a dead body who is conscious of its existence but dont really know who it is .
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.
After the entire day of trying to fight with it and failing at making something out of life leaves me with guilt, shame and trauma. It has made me alone and unable to make friends or talk to people, even when i try to make a frndz they get tired and bored of me n accuse me of having a victim mentality or that i dont care about anyone or anything. Get traumatized on a daily basis. I have lost all of interests to this thing. Not able to do hobbies n stuff. I get impulsive urges to stab myself whenever things get out of control which is almost everyday. I'm suffering from these things since 8plus years and im behind yall. I have lost my life to this.
.
.
.
Starting with my evening episode. So i start to feel very depressed at first and then i literally start to get half unconscious as if something if covering my body and im coming under the dark shadow of something, body starts to feel heavy and mind cloudy, eyes also gets heavy and the tingly sensation in eyes(it happens almost all the time). It keeps intensifying as the evening progresses and i become completely senseless, memory fades,extremely dizzy and numb like i know my past and present but i dont have any clue what is happening around me or what people are saying and what i have to do. I just have this awareness that im a person, dissociation basically. At this time i start to recite as in meditation n also try to take salt bath but it doesn't help much. It gets to the point where i just lay and stare like a dead body and cannot do a goddamn thing. The episode continues till 8 or sometimes even more n after it leaves me with an extremely foggy brain and heavy and tired body as if i did extreme labour(i feel extremely tired after healing too but thats bcz the weight gets lifted a bit). When i m in uni at this time it becomes so hard to not being in senses and seeing things(people) moving around. I go to a spiritual healing centre for my condition. Healing at this time wards off the heaviness but i stay still like a zombie nevertheless. I would compare it with a depressive episode as i get pangs of despair and depressive feelings at this time but its definitely different from what a normal episode for a depression patient is but yes it causes me bad depression(all the symptoms of crippling depression ,desperation and something bads gonna happen and im missing out on something, fears . This emotion of despair doesn't let me focus for even 5 mins n these emotions heighten before the episode n then i loose it all like depression is on peak before and during my episode . At this point i mostly have breakdowns. ). Sometimes i get into the freeze mode after it and cudnt think at all. If i dont get the healing ill become badly hysterical n crazy n its not psychological ofcourse. I become suicidal just bcz of this coz its not managable n my entire day gets consumed by this. Other symptoms occur alongside the episode sometimes(different everyday but consistent in their nature) but mostly those are outside of it. The depression is also consistent coz i dont feel good enough even when in senses like talking to people doing stuff etc.
.
.
The second big symptom is body imbalance and loss of coordination accompanied by heavy breathing difficulties. It happens mostly after the episode or after healing at times, sometimes can happen all day. In this state i have no control over my body and feels like falling n brain feels so foggy and like somethings constantly eating up brain and i possibly cannot work and keep myself busy n feel so stuck. Any body movement is painful. Also i feel it is originating from my neck region. I had various xrays over the years and saw alot of doctors for this and poor memory (i cannot learn anything coz of this). Had brain mris many times but everytime the results come they are fine and the doctor laughs at me and sends me to the psychiatrist. I had my very last brain mri done iguess in 2018 and at that time the doctor said they are completely fine but arent very excellent but i shud just start walking everyday lol or see a psychiatrist. By his "not very excellent" remarks i can guess i might have a declined cognative function coz it is so obvious. I have been to psychiatrists ever since i was a 15 when my symptoms have started to show a lil like body coordination and memory problems but their meds never helped me.they also sent me to ent for an ear test at that age bcz balance issues are related to ears and the test came fine. Once they admitted me to the ward for a month as a morning outpatient but i cud only keep up for 2 weeks as my mental health was deteorating by seeing patients there. All my fucking life i was just kept running to doctors back and forth just to get a diagnosis but came home dissapointed. Parents have wasted so much money on me with no use. My symptoms arent a result of depression. I have developed it now as a result of these crushing years of facing these things and circumstances ofcourse. But when they admitted me i was so much better n not depressed at all. Only wanted my memory to get like a normal persons and getting rid of these symptoms. .
.
.
Another very significant symptom is I almost all the time feel vibration in head as if there is some sort of buzzing n something is attached to it n eating my brain especially after waking up. Brain feels so exhausted that i cannot explain. All the time i feel air going in through ears. Sometimes in one ear, sometimes from one ear to the other. Mostly all the time i feel like getting choked and somethings moving in my blood and i cud feel the vibrations especially after healing session.
.
.
Some lil symptoms which come along and stay almost all the time are nausea, stomach pain,staying dizzy all the time, increased heartrate, staying cold,not being able to eat during body imbalance thing, not being able to speak to people, broken sentences bcz of fog and stuttering issues which causes extreme anxiety, badly regressed cognitive skills like reasoning and logical skills,confusion, delayed responses over events(people literally call me a slow processor), poor concentration and focus, amnesia , sometimes feeling high without any substance use and feels like im sleeping like ihave been drugged but i only have my eyes closed and not really sleeping(its like narcolepsy) , irritability, insomnia sometimes, hair loss (turning bald), have osteomalacia which has caused soft bones, knock knees, flat feet, kyphosis(slight scoliosis) severe back pain(need a support to sit) joints and muscular pains, unable to lift heavy objects or write etc.
.
.
Also some peculiar things which are related to the spiritual stuff and are not really believable by people . I feel like something is following me or standing behind me . I see figures all around especially at night time and in dark. I get frightened to hell by it. I cannot sleep alone or in dark bcz of the reason, and have horrible dreams , i wake up hysterically almost everyday, i m afraid of going to sleep sometimes bcz of it. I really feel like something is stuck inside my head and body and cudnt get out . Sometimes feel like im just a dead body who is conscious of its existence but dont really know who it is .
.
.
After the entire day of trying to fight with it and failing at making something out of life leaves me with guilt, shame and trauma. It has made me alone and unable to make friends or talk to people, even when i try to make a frndz they get tired and bored of me n accuse me of having a victim mentality or that i dont care about anyone or anything. Get traumatized on a daily basis. I have lost all of interests to this thing. Not able to do hobbies n stuff. I get impulsive urges to stab myself whenever things get out of control which is almost everyday. I'm suffering from these things since 8plus years and im behind yall. I have lost my life to this.
