You often hear the narcissism is all about shame, and it makes sense in many of those cases, but you don't hear the same thing about autism and i find it funny because that's what life is all about for me. It's the number one emotion that determines the way my mind works. I'm not sure if the way i think even has anything to do with my autism, but that's apparently the cause for my hypersensitivity, so i suppose it does.
Let me be clear about this: I'm not exactly ashamed about being autistic. Even when people are pointing at me and laughing i don't feel all that ashamed, I don't exactly feel good about it either, but it's not the reason why, feeling ashamed about my faults is mostly a learned defense-mechanism. It's still mostly the people laughing, the regular "normal" people who make me feel ashamed.
During the course of my life i've learned that it's shameful to be cruel, hard and mean person. I've also learned that it's shameful to be a weak and soft person (like i originally was when i started this life). And i completely agree on both points. I just can't for the life of me decide which is worse. Interacting with other people all my life i have always felt like swimming in shit. I have dealt with some actual narcissists in life (cluster B cases) and while i do admit that they are often particularly filthy people, it doesn't really make that much difference to me. The world doesn't exactly run on their rules (in most environments their behaviour is more an exception than a norm), and it's still a complete shithole, isn't it? like the greatest public secret there is. Life is just slavery. There is no way you can live it in a way that makes you somehow better than the rest, there is no way you can live in a way that makes you somehow worse. In the end it's all just a matter of perspective, and the different perspectives all end up nullifying each other. Sadism feels like a bad, bad thing, but that is just because you have empathy. Without empathy sadism would just feel like curiosity in the emptiness. Take a look in there if you can if you don't believe me.
The "foundations" of life itself feel completely flawed to me, the fabric of society, the fabric of my own mind, it's completely fucked up, there is no hope, nothing, zero. Thinking big, the best thing to do would be destroying the humanity, scratch that, all life. Life is rape. Being autistic is like being mentally raped 24/7. I use strong words but this is the truth behind my "civil" exterior. I loathe life, i loathe every breath i take or ever took. I want to tear it all down, see it burn, all of it. I feel completely detached from other people this way. I can talk about "big" issues like climate change, the economy, having kids, i can understand different arguments and even make some myself, but none of this matters to me, i'm completely detached and completely indifferent, because there is nothing I or anyone can do to really change anything. When i think about the way we are doomed as a species i always use my own family as an example, my mother is a codependent, brother a psychopath, sister has BPD, and they are complete retards, absolutely and absurdly pathetic and ridiculous people, (just as I am in the eyes of some people, i reckon).
And it's all mostly genetic, we are fucked up on genetical level, enslaved from birth, as is the whole humanity. So there is nothing you can do except not procreate. Which is never going to happen, because some idiots will always get manipulated into doing that by those who don't give a shit about them or the resulting children. So it's all utterly hopeless and the only thing that could ever end it is pure chance, climate change or some other disaster that leads into mass extinction. I don't believe there is anything worth saving.
It's all a lie, it's all completely, utterly, bottomlessly hopeless. All that remains, the only thing that is meaningful and means something for me, personally, is the shame. The shame of being a human being, the shame that results from every breath i take. I don't think i'm a narcissist since I don't even attempt "escaping" from it, i embrace it, i always have. I've learned that most people don't want to hear it, most people don't feel the same way, i mean not as extremely as i do, but they still understand, even if they don't want to. Just like i understand them and their silly lives even though i don't want to.
The only difference between feeling like wanting to die and wanting everything to die lies in a certain sense of responsibility. If i didn't feel any responsibility over others, i would just kill myself. But because i feel some of that i want to make sure they get out as well. I don't want to deceive them, i just want to tell everyone willing to hear it that it's ok to let go, because there is nothing to be done. You cannot help all the cowards and fools and monsters any more than you can help yourself (or i can help myself) to become something more. I guess all my life i've hoped for someone else to come and tell me this exact thing, and the only reason i'm still alive today is because no-one ever did. This is the liberating truth (as i perceive it) that i have always wanted to hear someone else tell me:
"Nobody cares if you keep going or not, and if they do it's just because they are too inexperienced to know better. They will learn their lesson as well in time. The will learn to kneel in front of their own fucked up DNA just like you have."
That's all there is and ever was. A bottomless, torturous awareness.
Let me be clear about this: I'm not exactly ashamed about being autistic. Even when people are pointing at me and laughing i don't feel all that ashamed, I don't exactly feel good about it either, but it's not the reason why, feeling ashamed about my faults is mostly a learned defense-mechanism. It's still mostly the people laughing, the regular "normal" people who make me feel ashamed.
During the course of my life i've learned that it's shameful to be cruel, hard and mean person. I've also learned that it's shameful to be a weak and soft person (like i originally was when i started this life). And i completely agree on both points. I just can't for the life of me decide which is worse. Interacting with other people all my life i have always felt like swimming in shit. I have dealt with some actual narcissists in life (cluster B cases) and while i do admit that they are often particularly filthy people, it doesn't really make that much difference to me. The world doesn't exactly run on their rules (in most environments their behaviour is more an exception than a norm), and it's still a complete shithole, isn't it? like the greatest public secret there is. Life is just slavery. There is no way you can live it in a way that makes you somehow better than the rest, there is no way you can live in a way that makes you somehow worse. In the end it's all just a matter of perspective, and the different perspectives all end up nullifying each other. Sadism feels like a bad, bad thing, but that is just because you have empathy. Without empathy sadism would just feel like curiosity in the emptiness. Take a look in there if you can if you don't believe me.
The "foundations" of life itself feel completely flawed to me, the fabric of society, the fabric of my own mind, it's completely fucked up, there is no hope, nothing, zero. Thinking big, the best thing to do would be destroying the humanity, scratch that, all life. Life is rape. Being autistic is like being mentally raped 24/7. I use strong words but this is the truth behind my "civil" exterior. I loathe life, i loathe every breath i take or ever took. I want to tear it all down, see it burn, all of it. I feel completely detached from other people this way. I can talk about "big" issues like climate change, the economy, having kids, i can understand different arguments and even make some myself, but none of this matters to me, i'm completely detached and completely indifferent, because there is nothing I or anyone can do to really change anything. When i think about the way we are doomed as a species i always use my own family as an example, my mother is a codependent, brother a psychopath, sister has BPD, and they are complete retards, absolutely and absurdly pathetic and ridiculous people, (just as I am in the eyes of some people, i reckon).
And it's all mostly genetic, we are fucked up on genetical level, enslaved from birth, as is the whole humanity. So there is nothing you can do except not procreate. Which is never going to happen, because some idiots will always get manipulated into doing that by those who don't give a shit about them or the resulting children. So it's all utterly hopeless and the only thing that could ever end it is pure chance, climate change or some other disaster that leads into mass extinction. I don't believe there is anything worth saving.
It's all a lie, it's all completely, utterly, bottomlessly hopeless. All that remains, the only thing that is meaningful and means something for me, personally, is the shame. The shame of being a human being, the shame that results from every breath i take. I don't think i'm a narcissist since I don't even attempt "escaping" from it, i embrace it, i always have. I've learned that most people don't want to hear it, most people don't feel the same way, i mean not as extremely as i do, but they still understand, even if they don't want to. Just like i understand them and their silly lives even though i don't want to.
The only difference between feeling like wanting to die and wanting everything to die lies in a certain sense of responsibility. If i didn't feel any responsibility over others, i would just kill myself. But because i feel some of that i want to make sure they get out as well. I don't want to deceive them, i just want to tell everyone willing to hear it that it's ok to let go, because there is nothing to be done. You cannot help all the cowards and fools and monsters any more than you can help yourself (or i can help myself) to become something more. I guess all my life i've hoped for someone else to come and tell me this exact thing, and the only reason i'm still alive today is because no-one ever did. This is the liberating truth (as i perceive it) that i have always wanted to hear someone else tell me:
"Nobody cares if you keep going or not, and if they do it's just because they are too inexperienced to know better. They will learn their lesson as well in time. The will learn to kneel in front of their own fucked up DNA just like you have."
That's all there is and ever was. A bottomless, torturous awareness.
