For anyone suffering out there, when did you “know”?

[angelofdeath_]

I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember, but it feels like it's gotten worse in adulthood. Over the past few days, something feels different. Food tastes bland…and I've always loved eating when I'm sad. Even when I laugh, my smile slowly fades, and my mind drifts back to this overwhelming darkness. I don't feel the same fear I once did about the pain of CTB.

I tried meditation exercises yesterday, and when I was asked to focus on the temperature of my skin, I realized I couldn't feel anything. It's like my senses have gone numb, and I'm just a soul trapped inside a hollow shell. I'm starting to feel like I might actually go through with CTB. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you know when you reached that point?

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

Honestly, I don't remember what it's like to not feel that way.

My mid teens were when I'd first made up my mind, but it wasn't so much that I had to convince myself between doing it or not doing it as much as it was just realizing that the time had come. The way a store shuts its doors, or the music stops at the end of a party, or the sun sets and everyone goes home.

Life was just untenable. It was just time to die. Like it was the most natural thing in the world to do.

Failing the attempt is how I got diagnosed. That was when I found out that everything I thought I knew about myself, every personality trait, was a symptom of an illness. Apparently not even my eating habits were normal. I thought they were. I distinctly remember thinking, "If this medication works and fixes me, who tf am I without these "symptoms"?"

So I suppose my answer is that I've never known anything else. I always knew.
It never went away. I've found a way to live with the feeling but it's always there.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

around 12-14 years old

 

[Zoro1029]

I have struggled with mental health for most of my late teens to adult life.

I initially sought out ADHD stimulants at the age of 28 but them realized that anxiety and depression were bigger issues. So the past two years or so were the first time I've really tackled mental health(therapy, antidepressants) with little sucess

 

[Halfhourdays]

When I couldn't find any other real people.

When the days became half an hour long.

 

[angelofdeath_]

I think I might've worded my question wrong. I know a lot of us have been struggling since we were young, but how did you know when you genuinely wanted to 'go' — like writing a suicide note and all? In the past, I've had thoughts of ending things, but relationships, friendships, and family held me back. I never had the courage to follow through. Now, it feels like there's nothing stopping me, and I'm ready to go by the end of the week. I guess I'm just looking for someone who can relate… maybe the only ones who could aren't here anymore.

 

[wham311]

4 months ago. I realiEd my financial situation was never to be fixed. Since then has been a horror show and every day has gotten worse. My body has fallen apart, my ex slandered me so I have no friends or anyone I can talk to anymore, it would take an hour to go over everything that a happened. I moved back in with my mom. I am 37 and 3 months ago I was very attractive. I lost 40 lbs of muscle and gained a lot of fat.

All my money will go to my last apartment complex so earning is pointless. I am desperate to die. I am just wasting my family's resources on myself. I have tried vsed 3 times and my mom cries. Little does she know I'm killing her by being alive. I'm sick of this shit. Every second I'm alive is agony, every dream is a nightmare. I will be sued into oblivion soon. I can't even afford to pay my taxes

I've lost all my interests, I'm not good at anything anymore, my pelvic floor is busted, I have zero self esteem and I'm embarrassed to go into public. I am just a burden and I pray to God my sn comes

 

[StrugglingSienna]

I think I might've worded my question wrong. I know a lot of us have been struggling since we were young, but how did you know when you genuinely wanted to 'go' — like writing a suicide note and all? In the past, I've had thoughts of ending things, but relationships, friendships, and family held me back. I never had the courage to follow through. Now, it feels like there's nothing stopping me, and I'm ready to go by the end of the week. I guess I'm just looking for someone who can relate… maybe the only ones who could aren't here anymore.

A couple months ago is when my suicidal ideation started to occupy my mind every day, consistently. In the past, my short periods of ideation would be suppressed when I would imagine the reaction my mom, family, and friends would have. I still have the same mom, family, and friends who all still love me and imagining their reaction is still incredibly disturbing, but it's no longer suppressing my ideation and plan-making. It's just making me wonder about how to go about making a good goodbye letter, instead, because I'm making peace with the fact that I don't want me here, even though they do.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה, what kind of name is "Angelo F. Death_"?

 

[galaxid]

I think I might've worded my question wrong. I know a lot of us have been struggling since we were young, but how did you know when you genuinely wanted to 'go' — like writing a suicide note and all? In the past, I've had thoughts of ending things, but relationships, friendships, and family held me back. I never had the courage to follow through. Now, it feels like there's nothing stopping me, and I'm ready to go by the end of the week. I guess I'm just looking for someone who can relate… maybe the only ones who could aren't here anymore.

I think I understand!

I knew I wanted to die for a while, but I've only recently decided that I'm going to do something about it. I was living for my parents up until 2022. I felt like I had this unspoken promise with so many people that I wouldn't make any rash decisions. That guilt doesn't faze me as much as it used to. I was also living out of sheer spite, because everyone treated me like I was a collection of symptoms instead of a person. I didn't want to add 'ctb attempt' to that list and further validate that nonsense.

I suppose the thing that's really stopping me now is my desire to be at peace, even if its just for a little while. I want to archive of my some stuff, love my partner, and find some meager enthusiasm for life until roundabouts the end of summer. Or until I'm satisfied with the preparations I've made. But the point is, I'm not going through another round of 'is it seasonal depression or grief'.

 

[Hobowithalaptop]

I have to admit, the texts are quite convincing. They sound real, even the user names and avatars are believable.

 

[BlueLock]

Yes, I think I know exactly what you mean. I noticed I was no longer scared of dying a month or 2 ago, I used to be so scared of the afterlife and becoming nothing but now I no longer fear it. In fact I don't even want there to be an afterlife anymore, I'm fine with it being nothing at all. It sounds peaceful in fact. As for eating--it has been my number 1 coping mechanism for years but recently like you described I have no desire to eat, it all tastes bland and seems like a waste. This has never happened to me before usually I gain weight during depressive episodes but now I'm dropping it. This is all recent to me but I feel ready to go. I just simply don't care anymore... it's hard to say when it happened but I can confidently say you know it when you experience it. It's totally different from the depressive episodes I had before.

 

[bluville]

The past year I realized I don't care anymore. I've always had suicidal ideation, but there were still things I hoped for. Now I don't hope for anything, I'm just tired and want it to be over. I think I'm at a point in life where nothing make up for how long I've been suffering.

I'm not sure when I will but I don't expect to be around for 5 more years tbh.

 

[Aprilwithcake]

I knew young, much like a young trans person just knows id guess. Like 9 or 10

 

[itwillhappensoon]

ב''ה, what kind of name is "Angelo F. Death_"?

It's angel of death

 

[Forveleth]

I don't feel the same fear I once did about the pain of CTB.

This was it for me. This and the general fear of death. I had never felt a particular affinity for life or a "need" to stay live since I was young but "dying" and the thought of non-existence frightened me. A few years ago, I started thinking about "dying" again and how, yeah it might be painful or scary, but the relief of the fact that nothing comes after quelled those fears. Living things fight hard to stay alive, the moment you are comfortable with no longer being alive, you are ready.

 

[TheRedRoad]

I see what you mean.

I can tell I'm physically 'present', as in, I'm still flesh wandering around, being perceived by others (a thought that frightens me). Mentally however, it's a different story. Everything has felt so bland for the past few years, if not my entire life, that I've gotten used to simply functioning on 'auto-pilot', at least that's how I would call it.

Of course, it's not that easy. If it were, that would make me a normal functioning human being in society, and I'd be able to get a job. Being a robot devoid of any emotions definitely sounds like a great deal but as expected, I'm pathetically human. The most basic tasks feel like chores, distractions never last, I cannot do anything right and the list goes on.

When I think too much, I get depressed, and when I don't, I'm just... there. Makes me feel like I never had a soul to begin with. It's just something that I've always accepted, not because it felt right, but because it has been the norm for me.

Getting 'better' sounds like too much work, just not worth the hassle. Everything just points back to the fact that my life will end anyway (hopefully soon). I haven't been actively trying to end my life lately though I've been considering it. I'm stuck with the 'hope something happens to me while I don't have to do anything' mindset.

Still, it's always nice to find someone who can relate, even if it's through a screen. I do hope you find peace soon.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה, what kind of name is "Angelo F. Death_"?

It's angel of death

ב''ה, Terry Pratchett would be disappointed but was just working for his royal owners anyway.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

When I realized Death is non-existence forever which is the ultimate bliss

 

[halfway_y]

For me it's more of a inevitability I suppose. There's no adult life for me. I'm not a person, I'm not capable of living.

 

[IDontKnowEverything]

At 5-6 I just wanted to escape, give everyone else a break and CTB simply was the course of action which made the most sense to me, it's what we all would have wanted.
But didn't make it to the other side and now I can understand more complex things, see them more for what they really are... and life still sucks. It's just that disconnecting just got more complicated.
I even had a break from all of that is the best part.
While I was still often hurting, I also saw some of the beautiful things that limited lives have created.
Too many things are simply too cruel, yet I still didn't lose the memory fully of what it felt like to see at least some colours in the world. To experience various things that a person can experience. To actually feel yourself breathing and be enticed by the fact you actually have a heartbeat.
I'm not there, the occasional waves of feeling alive and a little better that would show to make my day.. well, I'm still waiting. Searching, seeking, trying to replicate.
Not quite what we're looking for but the closest thing I've found that can partially fill iin the socket of feeling alive is being interested in something.
I don't know what the brain does with that and frankly genuine interest in things is difficult to come by and often short lived.
But it's a little bit like stepping out into a gentle sunshine that doesn't burn you.
There are things keeping me around currently and now I'm in a bad mental spot again.
But I am also inevitably just sinking further and further away from the light.
I feel like it's inevitable. Like even if my problems get fixed, that it's simply too deep for me to swim out.
I want it to take me, but I need to stay.
So you just kind of have to go on while the world that you never even considered a home somehow started feeling even less and less like the place you belong in.

 

[MathConspiracy]

Thanks for sharing, you're not the only one who feels this way.

Food tastes bland…and I've always loved eating when I'm sad. Even when I laugh, my smile slowly fades, and my mind drifts back to this overwhelming darkness. I don't feel the same fear I once did about the pain of CTB.

I agree with the food thing. For months it was my only reason to keep going. Now the physical sensation of taste has gone away completely, everything has already been tried, there's nothing new.

To answer your question, I knew when people said that I seem depressed. I actually had a shrink appointment booked but I canceled it… I'm glad I did, though. What the fuck could a doctor do for me? Therapy is expensive and my motivation for it is a solid zero. Meds are not an option since I'm afraid of swallowing pills, haven't swallowed one for years.

 

[Forever Sleep]

In terms of lived experience, I'm not sure things have ever gotten that bad. I can still find things funny even. I can enjoy the warmth of the sun on my skin. It's more that I found out early on about bereavement and bullying. They initiated ideation for me. I still had hopes and ambitions at that stage though- which became coping mechanisms.

I worked out life would be difficult and high maintenance early on but now, I simply have less drive to push through it all. So that, even the good experiences aren't worth the cost.

Suicide made a great deal of sense from the start of having ideation- aged 10. It's just that I used ambition, hope and obligation not to hurt others to stave it off. Over the past few years as life stuff became less and less appealing, I've lost a lot of my ambition. So really, obligation is the only thing left. Plus, fear of making an attempt. I've kind of 'known' for decades but I at least had coping mechanisms to cling to.

 

[outrider567]

I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember, but it feels like it's gotten worse in adulthood. Over the past few days, something feels different. Food tastes bland…and I've always loved eating when I'm sad. Even when I laugh, my smile slowly fades, and my mind drifts back to this overwhelming darkness. I don't feel the same fear I once did about the pain of CTB.

I tried meditation exercises yesterday, and when I was asked to focus on the temperature of my skin, I realized I couldn't feel anything. It's like my senses have gone numb, and I'm just a soul trapped inside a hollow shell. I'm starting to feel like I might actually go through with CTB. Has anyone else felt this way? How did you know when you reached that point?

Just a few hours after she died

 

[citrusrope]

I think the past few years is when I really started to hit rock bottom. It's so odd because even when I was actively physically suffering more so than now, I was able to cope and interact within society pretty okay. But I think it's just that I've run out of gas... The older I get the more that feeling of running out of time, and falling behind grew bigger along with the fact that people in general have WAY less patience and understanding for you if you're not like, a kid anymore. It's eat or get eaten out here. And I wasn't made to be able to handle all that.

 

[squirrels]

I did when I was 11-12 but I had gone through a lot of abuse then. It continued through my teenage years and ended as an adult. It's only happened recently again when I've been faced with something I just can't simply power through due to being injured, and I just realized there are things you can't pull yourself by the bootstraps out of.

 

[Lo$t95]

When I couldn't find any other real people.

When the days became half an hour long.

What do you mean by this? Do you just normally experience time passing quickly from your perspective?

 

[Halfhourdays]

What do you mean by this? Do you just normally experience time passing quickly from your perspective?

Yes, time goes by very quickly.

 

[Lo$t95]

Yes, time goes by very quickly.

Are you on medication can I ask? I remember strong sedatives had that effect on me sometimes.