Venting FML

[piupianissimo]

This is my first post, so I'm sorry if I'm ignorant about stuff etc.

I'm just so sick of myself. I have the best life ever. Everyone on this forum seems to be suffering from external and uncontrollable situations which have been brought on them for no reason. But here I am, having everything one could imagine, and yet being a complete POS and failure. I have no reason to be depressed. I have no reason to be such a burden and problem in everyone's lives. Why is it that the best people like you guys suffer so much, and the worst people like me get so much good stuff and just make it all go to waste. I make the world a more miserable place for everyone.

I've been pretty set on ctb on the 16th. But ever since coming back from uni for thanksgiving break, it's been so hard because my family shows so much constant love to me. They are so blind... they don't see what a pos I am. They don't realize how terrible I make their lives and everyone else's lives. They're such pure and good people, and I want to make their lives better by getting rid of the pollution that I am, but then they would have so much sadness and pain ... because they still think I'm a "blessing" and a "sweet daughter/sister" ugh bullshit. How can I make them realize??

Also my struggle is - should I just go ahead with my plans without pretense, or should I try to make it look like an accident? Should I leave notes or not? These are the things that go through my mind constantly, and it's just so hard ... I can't take it anymore. I have no mental energy to think through these things... it's almost like I'll do anything to die but at the same time I can't do that to them... AHH

Sorry for venting. I can't tell anyone my feelings or my plans because they would try to convince me otherwise. I really regret even trying to get treatment, because now my therapist is "really worried" and "will call the police if I don't show up" etc. I don't have anyone to talk to about these feelings without being busted, which is something I know you guys understand.

Fuck my life and my existence... I'm sorry.

 

[MissNietzsche]

It's okay OP; I want to kill myself because I think I'm hideous..but in reality, I'm probably just average-looking. In reality, no, I'm not pretty enough by ANY means to model, but I could probably do some good in the world with my brain. It's intelligent enough that I'll be wasting the world's resources by killing myself.

I don't think our desire to die is any less valid than other people's on here. We don't owe anything to anyone. We didn't ask to be born; we were just thrust into existence with or without our consent.

That said, I'm all for telling the truth as much as possible; I don't think you should make it look like an accident. But again, those are just my own, personal preferences.

 

[piupianissimo]

It's okay OP; I want to kill myself because I think I'm hideous..but in reality, I'm probably just average-looking. In reality, no, I'm not pretty enough by ANY means to model, but I could probably do some good in the world with my brain. It's intelligent enough that I'll be wasting the world's resources by killing myself.

I don't think our desire to die is any less valid than other people's on here. We don't owe anything to anyone. We didn't ask to be born; we were just thrust into existence with or without our consent.

That said, I'm all for telling the truth as much as possible; I don't think you should make it look like an accident. But again, that's just my own, personal preferences.

Thanks @MissNietzsche, I appreciate the support. (I'm sure you are gorgeous and I don't mean that in a creepy way) I don't really care about my looks. It's that I feel like when people are given so much in life, they're supposed to give back to the world. But I'm not, and never will be able to, because of my inherent shittiness and inability to be or do anything good or helpful to people. Idk if that makes sense. Probably doesn't to good people...

i hope you find some peace and I know people will be blessed by your intelligence and the work you do for the world.

 

[LittleJem]

Please know, suicidal brains are structured differently. It's not our fault. It is an illness. It can be trauma, or it can simply be genetic.

I want to die all day every day. I have a boyfriend, friends, food, money, central heating, access to drugs and medicine. I am trying more drugs, medications, remedies before I check out.

Doesn't work for me,but have you tried Kratom? Also herbal remedies posted by Sensei? Mushrooms? See if anything helps before you make any final decisions
Also worth trying Ayahuasca. You never know

 

[reapandsow918]

As my sensei @Ark once told me, you have to make decisions that benefit you for once. You have to take care of yourself and realize that others will not be looking out for you. Unfortunately, its just the reality of it and although we have loved ones, they don't genuinely understand what we are going through.

I too have a loving family that I will have to leave behind but I'm starting to realize I don't normally think about myself as much. My condition causes me to experience misery everyday so it's in my best interest to end it. Things won't get better.

 

[SoupSnakes]

Please don't apologise for venting, it's what we're all here for.

Also please understand that depression doesn't discriminate and that's the reason you feel the way you feel. I imagine that a lot of what you said about yourself isn't true and I also bet that none of your family think so, and rightly so. When we feel the way we feel, our minds turn us against ourselves. Please try not to beat yourself up.

 

[Ark]

People are inherently selfish, even the good ones. Some let it drive them more than others. When people call you selfish, or try to convince you not to CTB, that is them being selfish. That does not mean it is malicious though. It could be the thought of losing you is very painful to them. But, they do not know nor can they understand what you are going through. Also, we have to realize that only we can know what we need. I did not just get upset one day and decide to CTB. I have been dealing with hell my entire life and it continues to get worse no matter how hard I try. I spent a lot of time considering what my life truly was, how it could get better, and everything else. Especially the roles others play in my life. My entire life has been pain. 5 months ago I lost the only person ever to make some of that pain bearable. 4 months ago I was told my health was deteriorating very quickly.

For the first time in almost 50 years I realized that I had to do what was best for me. Others that depended on me at my expense, the people that think me weak for leaving this existence, and yes even the people it hurts, have to be second to me finding peace for myself finally. The ones that truly care for me will one day understand.

For me, CTB is not something I fight with each day. It was a decision that I made for myself, once I made that decision it was in stone. Then it was just a case of getting it taken care of. I did my research, I found my way, and it's on it's way to me.

I have to say though, I don't believe CTB is the answer for everyone that might think it is. Depression is a horrible thing but, if you can find meaning or purpose in your life, even a little, I believe that should be considered and explored. Trust me I wish I had hope. If I could spendmy last months with that person that made my pain bearable, I would stretch out this painful life as long as I could, surgery, meds, anything, to spend every day I could with her. So, if you have hope, it is worth listening to.

As for me, there is no hope at any level. Once I knew that for sure, I made my decision, and am acting on it for ME. I will not change my mind, especially for anyone else.

 

[piupianissimo]

People are inherently selfish, even the good ones. Some let it drive them more than others. When people call you selfish, or try to convince you not to CTB, that is them being selfish. That does not mean it is malicious though. It could be the thought of losing you is very painful to them. But, they do not know nor can they understand what you are going through. Also, we have to realize that only we can know what we need. I did not just get upset one day and decide to CTB. I have been dealing with hell my entire life and it continues to get worse no matter how hard I try. I spent a lot of time considering what my life truly was, how it could get better, and everything else. Especially the roles others play in my life. My entire life has been pain. 5 months ago I lost the only person ever to make some of that pain bearable. 4 months ago I was told my health was deteriorating very quickly.

For the first time in almost 50 years I realized that I had to do what was best for me. Others that depended on me at my expense, the people that think me weak for leaving this existence, and yes even the people it hurts, have to be second to me finding peace for myself finally. The ones that truly care for me will one day understand.

For me, CTB is not something I fight with each day. It was a decision that I made for myself, once I made that decision it was in stone. Then it was just a case of getting it taken care of. I did my research, I found my way, and it's on it's way to me.

I have to say though, I don't believe CTB is the answer for everyone that might think it is. Depression is a horrible thing but, if you can find meaning or purpose in your life, even a little, I believe that should be considered and explored. Trust me I wish I had hope. If I could spendmy last months with that person that made my pain bearable, I would stretch out this painful life as long as I could, surgery, meds, anything, to spend every day I could with her. So, if you have hope, it is worth listening to.

As for me, there is no hope at any level. Once I knew that for sure, I made my decision, and am acting on it for ME. I will not change my mind, especially for anyone else.

Wow... so sorry to hear about your situation. I know many have been blessed by you and I certainly hope you find peace in your decision. Sending love

 

[MissNietzsche]

People are inherently selfish, even the good ones. Some let it drive them more than others. When people call you selfish, or try to convince you not to CTB, that is them being selfish.

They say suicide is selfish, but I argue that giving birth is.

 

[lymbo]

They say suicide is selfish, but I argue that giving birth is.

why women and men have the urge to make babyes? whys l was never born

 

[Time]

Thanks for sharing yourself with us. I identify with SO MUCH of what you said. No need to apologize, you had to get it out.

But here I am, having everything one could imagine, and yet being a complete POS and failure. I have no reason to be depressed.

I can't say that I have everything but I certainly realize that I'm doing better than many in this world & have had so many opportunities to make a better life for myself. But due to many issues (depression, anxiety, lacking social skills, not believing I deserve happiness, making the few people that are close to me & those that want to be close to me miserable), I've squandered them all.

They don't realize how terrible I make their lives and everyone else's lives. They're such pure and good people, and I want to make their lives better by getting rid of the pollution that I am, but then they would have so much sadness and pain

Only until recently I thought that but now I believe that they have to have at least some idea as to how bad I am & have been struggling with life. But I think that they just don't want to lose their son... Which makes it that much harder for me to ctb. And what makes it even harder is knowing that I am helpful to them especially given their age. But, although it pains me to do it, I still think that it's the right decision for me (& quite possibly even them). I plan on leaving notes for them succinctly describing the issues that I've dealt with in the hope of relieving at least some of the pain my ctb will cause.

I don't know you but it sounds like you're dealing with depression (which has plagued me my whole life). I hope that you've exhausted all options before you ctb. Either way, I support your decision & I hope that you find peace.

 

[Ark]

Well said @Time I always try to stress to others to make absolutely sure there are no other options before following through with CTB. But then I feel a bit like a hypocrite because I have fully decided on catching my own bus soon. I wish I could better explain just how much thought and time and research went into making my final decision.

 

[Time]

I hear ya. I try to look at it like I have the experience of wanting to die @ an early age & ending up sticking around for another 30 years or so thinking that things could get better (unfortunately, they didn't). But that's not everyone's story & some people's lives do improve &, although I can DEFINITELY identify with that feeling to ctb, I'd hate to see someone leave if there's real potential for things to get better.