Save_Me_Mind
Member
- Sep 15, 2023
- 53
Ahahaha, where am I now?! It seems that attempt that I survived with a less than 8% chance of survival, it seems it's been more than a year since, and what the FUCK am I doing now haha?! EVER since that day, actually no. Even days before the attempt contributed as well. But I am in the SAME PLACE that brought me CTB in the first place. Instead NOW, I have LOST all my FEELINGS and I continue with my anhedonia. I am a sociopath, I see the world completely differently and commit acts that are seen as disgusting by society standards. FUCK society, I want to be myself, I want to commit more sinful acts to express WHO I AM. I don't see them as WRONG, I only say sinful because that's how the rest of you all see it. I see a lot of myself in a character named Himiko Toga, I wish to be free and be myself. People look down on me, BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THE REAL ME!
So now what to do. Well... I hate it all. I wish to leave. 50% wants to truly depart and 50% wants to stay (ONLY because I want to gain what I once lost). A person who probably thinks I'm DEAD, and I know damn well that they don't care about me or wish to BE WITH ME anymore. I FUCKED UP BECAUSE I WAS FORGED THIS WAY. I GET THAT, I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. I WAS JUST A CHILD, so please forgive me. That's all I ask for is forgiveness. I am mentally unwell but can hide it like it's nothing.
I've constantly had the thoughts of wanting to depart like I used to and all of you, except now I feel it getting too close just like last time. Very soon I will be nothing but a memory and those so called friends won't give a damn. Why do I have to have such a miserable unlucky life after trying SO FUCKING HARD DESPITE ALL ODDS.
If you care about anything I said, please message me something because Fuck, I need it. Please, this is disgusting of myself to say, but please just give me any support, any kind messages, please, even if they're fake. My brain is going too deep and I can't escape. There is no beacon of light in sight and I am continuing down this cold abyss by myself once more.
Fuck it, no one loves me... and I only love one person, and she must be enjoying life by now. I miss you, I do.
I am not thankful, I hate it all. My mind is too torturous and it cannot think correctly like the rest of you, I can't feel. So I will depart soon from this miserable life.
I still love you even after years.
So now what to do. Well... I hate it all. I wish to leave. 50% wants to truly depart and 50% wants to stay (ONLY because I want to gain what I once lost). A person who probably thinks I'm DEAD, and I know damn well that they don't care about me or wish to BE WITH ME anymore. I FUCKED UP BECAUSE I WAS FORGED THIS WAY. I GET THAT, I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. I WAS JUST A CHILD, so please forgive me. That's all I ask for is forgiveness. I am mentally unwell but can hide it like it's nothing.
I've constantly had the thoughts of wanting to depart like I used to and all of you, except now I feel it getting too close just like last time. Very soon I will be nothing but a memory and those so called friends won't give a damn. Why do I have to have such a miserable unlucky life after trying SO FUCKING HARD DESPITE ALL ODDS.
If you care about anything I said, please message me something because Fuck, I need it. Please, this is disgusting of myself to say, but please just give me any support, any kind messages, please, even if they're fake. My brain is going too deep and I can't escape. There is no beacon of light in sight and I am continuing down this cold abyss by myself once more.
Fuck it, no one loves me... and I only love one person, and she must be enjoying life by now. I miss you, I do.
I am not thankful, I hate it all. My mind is too torturous and it cannot think correctly like the rest of you, I can't feel. So I will depart soon from this miserable life.
I still love you even after years.
