goodSmelly
New Member
- Dec 24, 2023
- 3
I tried i really did. im too old now ive wasted too much time.
I tried to improve, to get out, to have any slight hint of success. I tried going back to school, I tried to make friends, I tried to pursue my passions.
I failed them all. I haven't changed my path I couldn't.
I only ever wanted to be creative and, create stories and theories. teach people, make them laugh.
Five years ago next month I quit my first real job, it was a warehouse job but I was too scared of the machines. while walking home I gave myself a deadline. If I'm not happy with my life on this day five years from now, I would ctb. That day was November 26th. In those five years I tried to pursue my passions and failed multiple times. fell deeply in love and had it ripped away. regained and lost friends.
a little more than a month out I have made zero tangible, material progress. I passed a few classes, sure but I still don't know what I want to do. and the things I used to want to do I simply cannot. Its like my mind and body reject them.
I have never been more alone. I am a ghost, have died in all ways apart from physical.
I can no longer cry, I can't speak properly, I can't laugh naturally. what friends remain have done more this month than I've done in the five years. they are passing me by, forging new lives.
yet im still here, same room, same laptop. same everything in every way that counts.
I don't feel anything, anything anymore. scents are all the same, all food is bland, etc. All passions have no meaning to me anymore. I can't even pretend to like them. Media, history, politics, geography.
Nothing means anything anymore. I don't remember the last time I felt any emotion. anger saddness joy. I'm husk if I wasnt afraid I would be dead by now.
I tried to improve, to get out, to have any slight hint of success. I tried going back to school, I tried to make friends, I tried to pursue my passions.
I failed them all. I haven't changed my path I couldn't.
I only ever wanted to be creative and, create stories and theories. teach people, make them laugh.
Five years ago next month I quit my first real job, it was a warehouse job but I was too scared of the machines. while walking home I gave myself a deadline. If I'm not happy with my life on this day five years from now, I would ctb. That day was November 26th. In those five years I tried to pursue my passions and failed multiple times. fell deeply in love and had it ripped away. regained and lost friends.
a little more than a month out I have made zero tangible, material progress. I passed a few classes, sure but I still don't know what I want to do. and the things I used to want to do I simply cannot. Its like my mind and body reject them.
I have never been more alone. I am a ghost, have died in all ways apart from physical.
I can no longer cry, I can't speak properly, I can't laugh naturally. what friends remain have done more this month than I've done in the five years. they are passing me by, forging new lives.
yet im still here, same room, same laptop. same everything in every way that counts.
I don't feel anything, anything anymore. scents are all the same, all food is bland, etc. All passions have no meaning to me anymore. I can't even pretend to like them. Media, history, politics, geography.
Nothing means anything anymore. I don't remember the last time I felt any emotion. anger saddness joy. I'm husk if I wasnt afraid I would be dead by now.