Venting five year plan

[goodSmelly]

I tried i really did. im too old now ive wasted too much time.

I tried to improve, to get out, to have any slight hint of success. I tried going back to school, I tried to make friends, I tried to pursue my passions.

I failed them all. I haven't changed my path I couldn't.

I only ever wanted to be creative and, create stories and theories. teach people, make them laugh.

Five years ago next month I quit my first real job, it was a warehouse job but I was too scared of the machines. while walking home I gave myself a deadline. If I'm not happy with my life on this day five years from now, I would ctb. That day was November 26th. In those five years I tried to pursue my passions and failed multiple times. fell deeply in love and had it ripped away. regained and lost friends.

a little more than a month out I have made zero tangible, material progress. I passed a few classes, sure but I still don't know what I want to do. and the things I used to want to do I simply cannot. Its like my mind and body reject them.

I have never been more alone. I am a ghost, have died in all ways apart from physical.

I can no longer cry, I can't speak properly, I can't laugh naturally. what friends remain have done more this month than I've done in the five years. they are passing me by, forging new lives.

yet im still here, same room, same laptop. same everything in every way that counts.

I don't feel anything, anything anymore. scents are all the same, all food is bland, etc. All passions have no meaning to me anymore. I can't even pretend to like them. Media, history, politics, geography.
Nothing means anything anymore. I don't remember the last time I felt any emotion. anger saddness joy. I'm husk if I wasnt afraid I would be dead by now.

 

[whywere]

I read this and I wish a million times over that I could be next to you, have a laugh and engage in meaningful conversation.

I mentioned the previous because in my heart of hearts, I truly believe in YOU, I REALLY do.

I will mention that I am a older person, mentioned said such because I have to had so many times of feeling down and out. BUT I had a wonderous friend, who died by accident in 1982, and he always told me that I was worthwhile and had so much potential and I 1100% feel the exact same about you, my good friend.

I was raised on a dairy farm, HATED it and all the headaches and heartaches associated with it, like the warehouse machines that you encountered. My "parents" kicked me out at 18, so I had to find something else and through trial and tribulation I did.

I feel the same way for you, as you are a kind and caring soul with an abundance of intelligence.

Please do not be so hard on yourself, as at the age of 68, I have always been 100% honest and true and I believe in YOU.

A few on here have in the past said that I am too positive to be on a website of this nature and they were wrong, as I have worked since 1974, and reading your thread REALLY struck a cord with me as far as I get such a big feeling that you are great and will be great. It took me from 1974 till 1984 to get where I wanted to start a lifelong career, and it takes time.

Lots of HUGE hugs, caring and kind thoughts and the knowledge that you ARE an awesome person.

Walter

PS I have always signed every post with my real first name, as I believe in folks and YOU.