Venting First Post/Vent

[EmmaQanbana]

First post here, honestly I didn't think I'd actually make an account on here, let alone vent.

Honestly, I really don't know what to say, I've gotten used to holding in all my emotions because at a younger age I've always been told to "Just be a big girl" or "there's nothing to worry about" so I've always been used to holding in my thoughts and emotions because in my mind it seemed childish to express

All I know is that growing up in such a harsh environment has taken such a mental toll on me, it's insane. Family down my neck, friends pretending to care, not being able to work (disabilities), and barely graduating.

I've had times where I've been down and fought to stand back up and be happy again, and it's been a constant cycle of fighting and fighting since I was 12 year's old. 12. 8 year's later, I've lost a lot of my energy and motivation. I've failed to see the light over and over again.

But the thing is, I'm scared to take my own life because I'm scared of what people will think of me, I'm scared to take my own life because I don't want to hurt the people that I ACTUALLY got close to.

I've used SH as an alternative, it does kinda work man but at the end of the day man, it's a temporary fix for a long-term issue.

I feel as though in the off chance I attempt and live, it'll be one extra chance to find light or another thing to feel bad about in the long run.

Huh, I didn't know what to say starting this, but turns out when i let my mind flow, I can get a lot off my mind.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound tiring what you've been through, but the part about being scared of other's opinions when you are gone makes little sense as once we are gone everything is forgotten about for us, whatever happens in this world after we are free from everything could simply never be our concern. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[feder]

First off, welcome to the site, hope you find it useful regardless of what you came here for. Being scared of ctb is normal, its completely understandable to not want to hurt others who care about you, that's what's stopping me as well. SH is hard to overcome, it becomes an addiction with time but really doesn't solve anything. I'm sure ppl on here will support you whatever your decision will be, its hard to find light and even harder to keep it, but maybe by trying different ways and exploring your own desires you can find something that will bring you hope no matter what. Hope your life gets better soon and you find happiness!