Story First post/vent/story, i guess

[whiskeyblanket]

Greetings.

I've been lurking here since 2019, when I stumbled upon the forum while researching methods after a near lifetime of suicidal ideation and a couple of serious but poorly-informed attempts. I finally decided to make an account a couple of weeks ago, though my attempts at socializing online have historically been met with hostility (with a few notable exceptions). As such, I probably will not post often, but thought I should finally come out of the shadows and make a post of some sort. Please feel free to disregard.

Recently, my job has been making my suicidal ideation more intense. I teach math to upper elementary and middle school kids in a small school (less than 200 students kindergarten through 12th grade) in the north central US. I never really wanted to be a teacher, but kind of ended up there (long story). The kids are great, and for many of them I'm their favorite teacher (for some reason???) but I am an extreme introvert, and teaching is a job where you are constantly engaged with social interaction with pretty much no breaks. Furthermore, I have a lot of school-based trauma from my early life, which is triggered every single day by my job, to the degree that I throw up before work almost every day, and have for the past 7 or 8 years. Needless to say, it's beyond exhausting, and I don't really have any other work options right now. At the same time, I know there are people who do extremely hard manual labor in dangerous environments for a fraction of the meager-ish amount of money I make. And then there are those who cannot support themselves or their families at all, which makes my complaints seem petty. All I do when I get home and on the weekends is drink and muster literally every ounce of self control (of which I have a lot) to not recklessly and impulsively stab myself with a kitchen knife. I don't know how long I can go on like this. The only thing that keeps me from placing an order from DMC is that my only bank account is a joint account, and I don't know how I would explain it to my spouse (I would welcome any ideas).

Typing all that out took me almost an hour, and it still makes me cringe. I will probably have an anxiety attack over having shared all that, but weirdly, I feel a bit better. I definitely don't expect anyone to actually read this entire thing, let alone respond. Thank you for allowing me to make a post here and to vent.

 

[before20]

All I want to say is, your suffering is not less because others' is more. In a way, they have been blessed with brains that don't self-sabotage constantly.

Also, teachers do amazing, unappreciated, and unforgiving work—thanks for being one.

As for how to not alert your spouse, maybe withdraw cash (say you just want some on you?) and buy a VISA gift card. I don't know if that interferes with any of the methods to buy from DMC discreetly, but that's my two cents.

 

[whiskeyblanket]

All I want to say is, your suffering is not less because others' is more. In a way, they have been blessed with brains that don't self-sabotage constantly.

Also, teachers do amazing, unappreciated, and unforgiving work—thanks for being one.

As for how to not alert your spouse, maybe withdraw cash (say you just want some on you?) and buy a VISA gift card. I don't know if that interferes with any of the methods to buy from DMC discreetly, but that's my two cents.

Thank you for the kind words. And actually, that's a great idea about the cash, because there are a lot of places around here that only take cash, or have a minimum for credit/debit cards, so we take out cash regularly. I could easily take out a bit more a couple of times, save it, and it wouldn't be noticable. Even if I had to open a second secret account or something to make it work, it could be doable. Thank you!

 

[_D_]

It's awesome if your students love you. My advice is to read The Catcher in the Rye (but you don't have to ->) and then try to embody Holden's idea of "The Catcher", which is to stay alive for the sake of protecting people from going through the pain you went through. It's my philosophy too and it makes me happy when I can fulfill it even though I do want to kill myself and I believe that I will die from suicide, just not right now. You say you have a lot of school-based trauma, well you are in the perfect position. Imagine the Middle school version of yourself was a student in your class - what would you do for them? Then realize that any one of the students in your class could be suffering the same way you did, and might need someone to be there for them and to help them. Try focusing more on your students and getting to know them, they clearly like you for a reason !

 

[whiskeyblanket]

It's awesome if your students love you. My advice is to read The Catcher in the Rye (but you don't have to ->) and then try to embody Holden's idea of "The Catcher", which is to stay alive for the sake of protecting people from going through the pain you went through. It's my philosophy too and it makes me happy when I can fulfill it even though I do want to kill myself and I believe that I will die from suicide, just not right now. You say you have a lot of school-based trauma, well you are in the perfect position. Imagine the Middle school version of yourself was a student in your class - what would you do for them? Then realize that any one of the students in your class could be suffering the same way you did, and might need someone to be there for them and to help them. Try focusing more on your students and getting to know them, they clearly like you for a reason !

I relate to a lot of this. I read Catcher in the Rye a long time ago and definitely relate to the idea of staying alive to not hurt others/protecting them from the things I went through. My first thought every day is "How can I keep from passing the trauma to my own students?" There's a lot of discussion nowadays about passing down trauma through familial generations, but not as much about school-based stuff. If I can keep even one kid from going through some of the stuff I went through, then I guess all this misery is worth it. It's just exhausting a lot of the time. Sorry if that comes across as complaining--that's definitely not my intent. In any case, thank you so much for this thoughtful reply!

 

[_D_]

I relate to a lot of this. I read Catcher in the Rye a long time ago and definitely relate to the idea of staying alive to not hurt others/protecting them from the things I went through. My first thought every day is "How can I keep from passing the trauma to my own students?" There's a lot of discussion nowadays about passing down trauma through familial generations, but not as much about school-based stuff. If I can keep even one kid from going through some of the stuff I went through, then I guess all this misery is worth it. It's just exhausting a lot of the time. Sorry if that comes across as complaining--that's definitely not my intent. In any case, thank you so much for this thoughtful reply!

Don't worry- you're not complaining, you're describing. I'm glad you read my reply, thank you

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum!