Story First post - Suicide is imminent

[iwanttodie000]

Hey everyone, brand new here, super excited to be a part of this forum. As for me, I have suffered with severe depression/anxiety my whole life. I used to hide it behind a smile and keep it to myself. But over the past year, I have been a little more open on social media, sharing suicide/depression stuff and I think most people know I am suicidal on some level. BUT, they have zero idea how suicidal I actually am. How I think about it 24/7. How I crave it and want it more than anything. I know a handful of people will really struggle when I do it and I've stayed alive for that handful of people for years .. and I just can't do it anymore. I wish they didn't care, I wish they would understand and just let me go. But I cannot stay in this hell much longer. I have a lot of work to do in regards to selecting a fool proof method that will be both quick and effective. I told myself I wouldn't see 2021, yet here I am. This is the final year. It has to be. I am making this promise to myself. This is the year my pain and my story ends. And I can't wait.

 

[WornOutLife]

Hey, welcome to the ship!
I can relate to your words because I used to pretend lots. You know, the big smile and happy guy act. Then, that ended up making me more depressed and suicidal.
I tried to ctb like 4 times but now I'm trying to give life one more (the last one) shot.

Anyway, just take your time doing a research on the different most used methods. There is no need to rush things.

And remember: Even if we don't ctb, death is there waiting for us.

 

[iwanttodie000]

Hey, welcome to the ship!
I can relate to your words because I used to pretend lots. You know, the big smile and happy guy act. Then, that ended up making me more depressed and suicidal.
I tried to ctb like 4 times but now I'm trying to give life one (the last one) shot.

Anyway, just take your time doing a research on the different most used methods. There is no need to rush things.

And remember: Even if we don't ctb, death is there waiting for us.

Thanks for the welcome man. It's amazing how much I have faked in my life of being happy, of not being depressed when truly all I have wanted all along is my life to end. I have been doing research, watching suicide videos etc for quite some time. I just have to narrow it down and figure out the best, most efficient way to end it. But I will continue to do research for sure. I want this to be a one time shot and guaranteed, I am not going to fail. Death is there waiting for us for sure, but I gotta ctb and this year is the year.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

And remember: Even if we don't ctb, death is there waiting for us.

I fucking hope so. Some people are fucking around with life extension and AI and that can become the worst thing that ever happened without any competition from any historical events or all of them added up or multiplied together.

 

[WornOutLife]

I fucking hope so. Some people are fucking around with life extension and AI and that can become the worst thing that ever happened without any competition from any historical events or all of them added up or multiplied together.

Damn, I hope during my lifetime humanity doesn't reach that high technology level lol.
Just let me die peacefully, please.

 

[Symbiote]

Sorry to see you here OP. I've lived my life hiding behind a mask and never letting my true feelings come out even when I was suicidal just because of observing others who were more vocal about theirs, get shunned by their own friends as attention seekers. No one really knows if one is suicidal or on the verge of death. I've stayed around for a bit too after my attempt and I wished they really hate me, but it's a push/pull thing with them. They hate you one day, love you the next, then hate you 5 minutes later lol.

 

[iwanttodie000]

Sorry to see you here OP. I've lived my life hiding behind a mask and never letting my true feelings come out even when I was suicidal just because of observing others who were more vocal about theirs, get shunned by their own friends as attention seekers. No one really knows if one is suicidal or on the verge of death. I've stayed around for a bit too after my attempt and I wished they really hate me, but it's a push/pull thing with them. They hate you one day, love you the next, then hate you 5 minutes later lol.

I can definitely understand those feelings. It's very true that no one knows if one is suicidal or on the verge of death. I try and walk that very thin line of being open and vocal, but also to protect myself of not being too open about how suicidal I am so people don't freak out. It is a push/pull thing, I get that for sure. I just wish they would understand and let me go. Even if people say they care, or you matter or whatever, a lot of time it's BS and even if it's not, my brain tells me it is. Appreciate you sharing your story as well, I understand.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Damn, I hope during my lifetime humanity doesn't reach that high technology level lol.
Just let me die peacefully, please.

I deal with it by knowing that I'll get some amount of warning and time to ctb with my shitty back-ups hurt like hell but will work if you really need them to. Same as with geopolitics, climate and shit like that.