Venting first post - just to share my thoughts

[diinasours]

I love having friends and hanging around people but at the same time i hate it so much. Ill have times where im really happy and having fun but thats almost always ruined by suicidal/deppressive thoughts. I feel like i always ruin the mood or im always left out. i hate it so much but i know if i dont have friends ill hate life even more. im so indecisive about everything i feel. one minute ill love something and the next moment ill think the complete opposite. ive been wanting to ctb for a month or two now but i dont think i have the balls to do it. i want to so bad but i feel like i cant yet.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine it must be frustrating going through that. After all ctb is very difficult, we are programmed to survive even know we want to die. I wish it was easier to exit. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[hans0solo]

The popular notion is that we can feel one thing at a time. Or that you can't hide your feelings. Or that if you feel suicidal, you can't feel anything else. But that is not true. We can hold more than one feeling at a time. I can 'play' happy, have a smile and still feel like I wish i wasn't here. We are complex being. The issue I see is saneism. Not having people you trust to share these morbid thoughts. I have at least one person who I can something talk to who dealt with a harsh life as witnessed by her many visible cuts. If you can find a person who has 'been there' and won't feel compelled to 'save you', then that can provide some way to deal with the alienation of suicidality. Its nice to have someone validate how you feel. The other consideration is consent. Its best to preface such talk with 'do you mind if I vent some strong feelings for a few minutes? or would another time be better?'. Another idea is that having sad thoughts when you have happy thoughts doesn't have to be considered 'ruining' anything. I may assume the sadness was not felt with some intention, because feelings come and go, as us Buddhist say, somethings like the wind. We simply feel. I don't assume you had an agenda. Feelings are not 'wrong'.

 

[diinasours]

The popular notion is that we can feel one thing at a time. Or that you can't hide your feelings. Or that if you feel suicidal, you can't feel anything else. But that is not true. We can hold more than one feeling at a time. I can 'play' happy, have a smile and still feel like I wish i wasn't here. We are complex being. The issue I see is saneism. Not having people you trust to share these morbid thoughts. I have at least one person who I can something talk to who dealt with a harsh life as witnessed by her many visible cuts. If you can find a person who has 'been there' and won't feel compelled to 'save you', then that can provide some way to deal with the alienation of suicidality. Its nice to have someone validate how you feel. The other consideration is consent. Its best to preface such talk with 'do you mind if I vent some strong feelings for a few minutes? or would another time be better?'. Another idea is that having sad thoughts when you have happy thoughts doesn't have to be considered 'ruining' anything. I may assume the sadness was not felt with some intention, because feelings come and go, as us Buddhist say, somethings like the wind. We simply feel. I don't assume you had an agenda. Feelings are not 'wrong'.

i want someone to talk to so badly, and i thought i did have someone, but they felt too compelled to save me and because they couldn't they stopped being friends with me. i put too much mental strain on them because i trusted them and they told me to tell the truth. so now i'm afraid that even if i do find someone i still won't be able to talk to them. i don't want to put mental strain on anyone else, and im afraid people will lie when they say i can talk to them about anything. that's partially why i made this account though. thank you for your words.

 

[hans0solo]

that is why I added the consent part. if you say 'do you have 5 minutes to talk?' and they say no or yes, you didn't impose on them. If you say 'can I talk to you about scary thoughts for 10 minutes and you don't need to respond' that can get a yes and no. If you allow a person to 'opt out' that should relive the notion of putting a burden or 'mental strain' on them. The 'save' part is common. People need to be educated about respecting peoples right to personhood and autonomy and avoid assuming talking about big feelings leads to action. saneism sucks. People can pay d & d and know that saying spells doesn't lead to magic but they think that talking about suicide makes it happen.

 

[diinasours]

that is why I added the consent part. if you say 'do you have 5 minutes to talk?' and they say no or yes, you didn't impose on them. If you say 'can I talk to you about scary thoughts for 10 minutes and you don't need to respond' that can get a yes and no. If you allow a person to 'opt out' that should relive the notion of putting a burden or 'mental strain' on them. The 'save' part is common. People need to be educated about respecting peoples right to personhood and autonomy and avoid assuming talking about big feelings leads to action. saneism sucks. People can pay d & d and know that saying spells doesn't lead to magic but they think that talking about suicide makes it happen.

thank you for the advice, it means a lot. do you have any advice on how to get over the feeling that theyre judging everything you say? or will that just always be there?

 

[hans0solo]

A lot of what I feel comes from a part that has been told how worthless I am (by family, society, etc.) and how this part is judging me. the person who you trust has chosen to be there for you. trust that they are being genuine and being compassionate and not judging. if you don't hear them say anything judgmental, accept that. imagine they are the loving, compassionate person you need them to be. thank them for being your friend and taking the time to be there for you. that is what friends do. you are worth it.