5leepForever
Break the cycle.
- Feb 13, 2026
- 1
Hi, this is going to be my 4th actual attempt. I don't count planning or having materials and end up chickening out, only attempts I counted are ones where I thought I wouldn't wake up from. My first attempt was stupid, I didn't know how an OD worked and just took 5 ibuprofen and went to sleep. My second attempt, I took the same amount of ibuprofen, and an assortment of blood pressure medication which all added up to a little over 3000mg and I thought that would surely do it. I only weight about 80lbs and I thought that'd play a factor in my success. It didn't. I woke up drowsy and a little flue thanks to my sister who came home with something from another one of her trips. After reading some reddit posts (ik my bad), I made my 3rd attempt was a few weeks later with the same pills just more of them and a small fast. I gave up after that fail and my mom finding my 3rd s note. Tonight. Will surely be the night. I hate to do it on valentines day but, I also really don't want to make it to then. I know it's gonna be loud. I hate loud noises.
My entire life, I've tried to make the people around me happy. Recently, I found out that it was quite literally impossible and I'd never be good enough for anyone simply because I biologically don't function like they do. I will never understand them. I will never be good enough as I am to them. Last night during a chickend out attempt, I did some thinking and I realized something. My own father didn't think I was good enough. He gave up on me when I got held back in my third year of highschool because I tanked mentally. He never had hope for me since. I thought the things he said to me were just to try to get me back up and running in his own way. It never crossed my mind he believed it. I still love him though. I don't know why. He had that thought because of an outburst he had with me a few weeks ago when he was drunk and compared me to someone else's kid who was a year younger and doing better than me. They've always done that. Both my parents. Telling me to do something like someone else my age. To be someone else. I thought I was doing good. I got good grades untill then. I don't have my own bedroom in the house. My dad said he didn't add it because I didn't deserve it. I got As and Bs up untill my third year. Then I picked back up after I tanked. I was never the same but I wasn't terrible either, I was even doing well socially and I still wasn't good enough. Whatever. I never wanted to grow old anyway. My 2nd biggest fear is losing my memory and guess whats been rapidly declining the past 6 months and guess who doesn't believe me. Not like they'd show me the mercy of death anyway.
I did my best. My best was never good enough. All I've learned is that I'll never be good enough for anyone. I don't want to be anymore.
I love my girl the most. Even if she's not mine anymore, I still love her. I hope they all forget me honestly. My absence won't make a dent after the ceremony. I wanna be with my gran now.
I'm sorry, I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me. A Hawaiian saying. I think it's nice. Hopefully, this will be my first and last post on here. Thanks. Bubye.
My entire life, I've tried to make the people around me happy. Recently, I found out that it was quite literally impossible and I'd never be good enough for anyone simply because I biologically don't function like they do. I will never understand them. I will never be good enough as I am to them. Last night during a chickend out attempt, I did some thinking and I realized something. My own father didn't think I was good enough. He gave up on me when I got held back in my third year of highschool because I tanked mentally. He never had hope for me since. I thought the things he said to me were just to try to get me back up and running in his own way. It never crossed my mind he believed it. I still love him though. I don't know why. He had that thought because of an outburst he had with me a few weeks ago when he was drunk and compared me to someone else's kid who was a year younger and doing better than me. They've always done that. Both my parents. Telling me to do something like someone else my age. To be someone else. I thought I was doing good. I got good grades untill then. I don't have my own bedroom in the house. My dad said he didn't add it because I didn't deserve it. I got As and Bs up untill my third year. Then I picked back up after I tanked. I was never the same but I wasn't terrible either, I was even doing well socially and I still wasn't good enough. Whatever. I never wanted to grow old anyway. My 2nd biggest fear is losing my memory and guess whats been rapidly declining the past 6 months and guess who doesn't believe me. Not like they'd show me the mercy of death anyway.
I did my best. My best was never good enough. All I've learned is that I'll never be good enough for anyone. I don't want to be anymore.
I love my girl the most. Even if she's not mine anymore, I still love her. I hope they all forget me honestly. My absence won't make a dent after the ceremony. I wanna be with my gran now.
I'm sorry, I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me. A Hawaiian saying. I think it's nice. Hopefully, this will be my first and last post on here. Thanks. Bubye.
