3FailedAttemptss
trans girl (｀・ω・´)
- Jan 22, 2025
- 184
So... I don't even know where to start lol. I'm currently inpatient in a closed ward because I tried to order SN and just get it over with, and honestly? Part of me still just wants to be the suicider. Like I have this cold, logical desire to just CTB, you know? It feels like my destiny >w< Off my meds, my brain is basically rotting with psychosis and the voice telling me to do it is so clear sometimes T-T
But then there's him. Let's call him Alex.
We met at the clinic for youth with psychotic symptoms (what a meet-cute, right? >_<). He's a trans guy and he's just... so fucking cool. Here's the thing: I haven't had a crush on anyone in literally a decade. I genuinely thought I was aromantic or just broken inside because I haven't felt anything for anyone in years. I thought I was incapable of loving, just a hollow shell waiting to die
But he unlocked something in me. I wanted that T4T connection so bad. Just wanting someone who gets it without me having to explain the dysphoria or the scars. And he gets it. He actually visited me here in the psych ward. Like, he got out of bed early and baked gingerbread cookies just for me because he thought I'd want a treat QwQ. Who does that?? We walked around the local lake and talked about everything—cutting, suicide, blood (I showed him my journal which has a lot of blood in it and he didn't even flinch). It was so intimate. He even let me read his medical journal on his phone because we're both nosy patients lol. He treats me like I'm a goddess. He told me I have "rosy fingers" (like the dawn in Greek mythology) and validates my womanhood in ways I didn't even know I needed. (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)
But here's the kicker… He's gay. Like, into guys. And to make it worse, he currently has a crush on some cis guy in France. So because he sees me as a woman, I'm automatically friend-zoned. It hurts so bad because I finally feel something after ten years of numbness, and it's for someone who sees me as a "sister." It's a literal T4T tragedy—I'm suffering from success. He validates my gender so well that he can't love me romantically. Part of me almost wishes I could just be a "femboy" or whatever if it meant I had a chance, but he respects my identity too much for that. Andddd I respect myself too much to wish that, I guess.
So now I'm stuck in this weird limbo. I still want to order the SN just to have it. The urge is so strong, just to have that exit strategy in my drawer "just in case." But I promised him I wouldn't kill myself until he finishes knitting me these arm warmers he's making. So I'm literally staying alive for a pair of knitted arm warmers lmfao. It's pathetic, but when I'm with him, the "kill yourself" noise gets quiet. It's the only time the cold logic goes away. I guess it's better to feel heartbreak than nothing at all? At least I know I'm not broken anymore.
Anyway, just needed to scream this into the void. Being a crazy bitch in a psych ward with an unrequited crush is a vibe I guess. ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ
But then there's him. Let's call him Alex.
We met at the clinic for youth with psychotic symptoms (what a meet-cute, right? >_<). He's a trans guy and he's just... so fucking cool. Here's the thing: I haven't had a crush on anyone in literally a decade. I genuinely thought I was aromantic or just broken inside because I haven't felt anything for anyone in years. I thought I was incapable of loving, just a hollow shell waiting to die
But he unlocked something in me. I wanted that T4T connection so bad. Just wanting someone who gets it without me having to explain the dysphoria or the scars. And he gets it. He actually visited me here in the psych ward. Like, he got out of bed early and baked gingerbread cookies just for me because he thought I'd want a treat QwQ. Who does that?? We walked around the local lake and talked about everything—cutting, suicide, blood (I showed him my journal which has a lot of blood in it and he didn't even flinch). It was so intimate. He even let me read his medical journal on his phone because we're both nosy patients lol. He treats me like I'm a goddess. He told me I have "rosy fingers" (like the dawn in Greek mythology) and validates my womanhood in ways I didn't even know I needed. (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)But here's the kicker… He's gay. Like, into guys. And to make it worse, he currently has a crush on some cis guy in France. So because he sees me as a woman, I'm automatically friend-zoned. It hurts so bad because I finally feel something after ten years of numbness, and it's for someone who sees me as a "sister." It's a literal T4T tragedy—I'm suffering from success. He validates my gender so well that he can't love me romantically. Part of me almost wishes I could just be a "femboy" or whatever if it meant I had a chance, but he respects my identity too much for that. Andddd I respect myself too much to wish that, I guess.
So now I'm stuck in this weird limbo. I still want to order the SN just to have it. The urge is so strong, just to have that exit strategy in my drawer "just in case." But I promised him I wouldn't kill myself until he finishes knitting me these arm warmers he's making. So I'm literally staying alive for a pair of knitted arm warmers lmfao. It's pathetic, but when I'm with him, the "kill yourself" noise gets quiet. It's the only time the cold logic goes away. I guess it's better to feel heartbreak than nothing at all? At least I know I'm not broken anymore.
Anyway, just needed to scream this into the void. Being a crazy bitch in a psych ward with an unrequited crush is a vibe I guess. ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ
