Method Firearm Fear

[Frog]

I'm in a position where I'm under constant supervision by my mom. I can't drive, so if I wanted to buy a firearm I'd have to sneak out with an Uber very early in the morning. I'm already agoraphobic and mom has removed all methods of self-harm from the house. I'm very scared of being caught getting a gun.

I also have serious SI issues and I'm scared I won't be able to pull the trigger if I get one. Alcohol would help, but I'm not allowed to have alcohol either and sneaking from a liquor store to a gun store will tip off an Uber driver.

I also don't want to go this way. I want a guaranteed exit, but I'd be far more comfortable with an exit bag or a noose, but I don't have anywhere to hang myself from and if I ordered rope I'd get caught as soon as she checks the package.

I can't take this anymore. I can't escape. I've got crippling OCD, anxiety, and depression. All I want is to succumb to the void. I've been fighting too long and the guilt of being a burden to my caretaker mixed with the resentment of her not letting me go, no matter the amount of pain I'm in is unbearable.

How can I go? How can I summon the courage to pre-order the gun and then get alcohol? How do I hide it? What do I do?

She won't let me starve. There's nowhere to jump from. I don't know where to get SN or how to administer it. I don't know how to not get caught. Somebody help me out of here. Please.

 

[Darkover]

just be sure you can pull the tigger before you go out and buy the gun, i know there's been a few times in my past that i'd been able to pull the trigger because i was in more pain then it would of taken to pull the tigger, long stroy short i can cause my self severe pain just by listing to music with headphones on due to a brain injury somatic pain from vibration.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Sounds like you need to get some money together and get yourself living away from your Mom for a while, maybe in a hotel. She has no legal right to know where you are, does she?

 

[Frog]

Sounds like you need to get some money together and get yourself living away from your Mom for a while, maybe in a hotel. She has no legal right to know where you are, does she?

If I kick her off my credit card and bank account and go AWOL, she'll immediately call the police. Good idea and I've considered it, but the missing persons alert is the end.

 

[Crazy4u]

it doesn't sound like you want firearm as a method. there is a megathread but you would need to buy the right gun and know how to shoot it. If you flinch, you will miss.

did you consider other methods?

 

[Frog]

it doesn't sound like you want firearm as a method. there is a megathread but you would need to buy the right gun and know how to shoot it. If you flinch, you will miss.

did you consider other methods?

I'm down to short drop hanging and N, but both those come with the risk of being caught.

 

[Interloper]

I'm down to short drop hanging

those come with the risk of being caught.

No hardware store nearby? Or would she frisk you when you get home?

 

[Crazy4u]

you can ctb at night after she sleeps or when she goes to work

 

[downndone2]

Does your mom have the authority to keep you there? Obviously you're old enough to buy liquor so just checking. It doesnt sound like you're sure on this method. Using the wrong firearm or shooting the wrong way could result in survival and multiple surgeries, disfigurement, possible vegetative state, etc.
I suffer from severe agorophobia, depression, and anxiety for last several yrs. It is awful!
Please make sure you are sure and research any possible methods.

 

[summers]

Don't use a firearm you have no experience with. If you flinch at the sound of a shot, that's a no-go. And if you need alcohol to pull the trigger, find another method.

If I kick her off my credit card and bank account and go AWOL, she'll immediately call the police. Good idea and I've considered it, but the missing persons alert is the end.

If you're an adult, there's a required amount of time before the police can act on the missing persons report. Also, you could just leave a fake note or text her you're meeting someone irl that you met online.

Using the wrong firearm or shooting the wrong way could result in survival and multiple surgeries, disfigurement, possible vegetative state, etc.

That's why after thinking about it for a long time, I believe it's best to shoot yourself in the heart rather than head. Maybe a little slower, but if you mess up, much less chance of permanent damage.

 

[Frog]

No hardware store nearby? Or would she frisk you when you get home?

Can't drive. Would get caught. She doesn't work. Only have a window between 1:00 AM and 12:00 PM to sneak out with an Uber. I'm not really allowed outside without a lot of questions and supervision because she knows how badly I want to catch the bus. So many things could go wrong.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Can't drive. Would get caught. She doesn't work. Only have a window between 1:00 AM and 12:00 PM to sneak out with an Uber. I'm not really allowed outside without a lot of questions and supervision because she knows how badly I want to catch the bus. So many things could go wrong.

was in similar situation following failure in 2019. the only thing to do in this scenario is play their game. eventually they will begin to loosen up the restrictions because deep down they want to believe you're fixed. a few months of saying and doing all the things they expect - check the boxes, as it were - and you will find it much easier to go places without interrogation.

yes, a few months seems unbearable. but the alternative is to try to sneak around even more and with this much oversight, you will get caught. then it will be even harder to gain their trust / delusion back and you'll be stuck for far longer than had you gone the former route.

 

[Frog]

was in similar situation following failure in 2019. the only thing to do in this scenario is play their game. eventually they will begin to loosen up the restrictions because deep down they want to believe you're fixed. a few months of saying and doing all the things they expect - check the boxes, as it were - and you will find it much easier to go places without interrogation.

yes, a few months seems unbearable. but the alternative is to try to sneak around even more and with this much oversight, you will get caught. then it will be even harder to gain their trust / delusion back and you'll be stuck for far longer than had you gone the former route.

I don't know what the game is anymore. They want me to be happy, I guess, but that's just impossible for me. And the restrictions have been in place for years, they're not going away any time soon. I've pretty much traumatized my mom with my mental illness and suicidal behavior, and I feel a lot of guilt about that, but I don't know how to pretend to be okay when I can't get out of bed. Thank you, though.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I don't know what the game is anymore. They want me to be happy, I guess, but that's just impossible for me. And the restrictions have been in place for years, they're not going away any time soon. I've pretty much traumatized my mom with my mental illness and suicidal behavior, and I feel a lot of guilt about that, but I don't know how to pretend to be okay when I can't get out of bed. Thank you, though.

years? that's exhausting. i know it's far easier said than done - but as an adult, are there no steps you can take to gradually reclaim your independence? opening a second credit account or applying for a part time job that would allow you to leave the residence? none at all?

the game is to pretend you don't want to die and have actual goals for the future, i.e. have hope. either you play it or you don't, but you can see where dragging your heels gets you. being inpatient you learn how to cheat or hack the game pretty fast.

obviously i don't know your relationship w your mother nor your history, but is there no way you could propose the idea of you gradually becoming at least partly self sufficient? that is usually seen as a sign of progress and hope. the key is not to rush it - if they detect you are too eager to fly solo that sends off alarm bells. it's infuriating, i know. but what exactly are your options here - what are the details of every possible path you could choose? and then determine which is most likely to succeed and follow it. that is what i would do in your position anyhow.

 

[Frog]

years? that's exhausting. i know it's far easier said than done - but as an adult, are there no steps you can take to gradually reclaim your independence? opening a second credit account or applying for a part time job that would allow you to leave the residence? none at all?

the game is to pretend you don't want to die and have actual goals for the future, i.e. have hope. either you play it or you don't, but you can see where dragging your heels gets you. being inpatient you learn how to cheat or hack the game pretty fast.

obviously i don't know your relationship w your mother nor your history, but is there no way you could propose the idea of you gradually becoming at least partly self sufficient? that is usually seen as a sign of progress and hope. the key is not to rush it - if they detect you are too eager to fly solo that sends off alarm bells. it's infuriating, i know. but what exactly are your options here - what are the details of every possible path you could choose? and then determine which is most likely to succeed and follow it. that is what i would do in your position anyhow.

I'm trying to learn to drive but that's entirely dependent on her. So, to get there, I have to pretend to be okay for a while. Which is really, really hard. I've been in inpatient several times too but lately it's just been a threat she brings out when I'm having a sobbing breakdown. The key is to stop having those breakdowns, but that's very difficult. I also don't like to lie.

A big problem is that I've lost all of my self-confidence and can barely speak above a squeak or whisper around her. She also has moods. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or not but I'm always trying to find the "right answer" -- I'm genuinely afraid to say anything but "whatever's more convenient for you" when given a choice. I'm scared of criticism if I choose something, or of inconveniencing her. I don't know what she wants to see from me, so I can't give her that. This has kinda turned from a method post to a vent post. Sorry about that. I guess if push came to shove I could pull off a short-drop hanging by ordering a rope via instant door drop-off and tying it around a bike rack I found in the garage. I don't know the time window I'd need to actually expire, so I need to do more research on that.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I'm trying to learn to drive but that's entirely dependent on her. So, to get there, I have to pretend to be okay for a while. Which is really, really hard. I've been in inpatient several times too but lately it's just been a threat she brings out when I'm having a sobbing breakdown. The key is to stop having those breakdowns, but that's very difficult. I also don't like to lie.

A big problem is that I've lost all of my self-confidence and can barely speak above a squeak or whisper around her. She also has moods. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or not but I'm always trying to find the "right answer" -- I'm genuinely afraid to say anything but "whatever's more convenient for you" when given a choice. I'm scared of criticism if I choose something, or of inconveniencing her. I don't know what she wants to see from me, so I can't give her that. This has kinda turned from a method post to a vent post. Sorry about that. I guess if push came to shove I could pull off a short-drop hanging by ordering a rope via instant door drop-off and tying it around a bike rack I found in the garage. I don't know the time window I'd need to actually expire, so I need to do more research on that.

ugh i can relate. until i learnt to drive i was severely limited. and even now - i don't have my own car so every time i go out i have to both make a good excuse to be driving and also obtain permission to use my father's car - but less so.

can you try to hide your breakdowns from her? spend a few minutes in the toilet to compose yourself with the fan on so she can't hear and tell her you were constipated?

the only way to build your self confidence is to, well, do it. start with small things - suggest a particular dinner, maybe even offer to help cook it if that's possible - or tell her you want to set up a regular schedule for driving practise. nothing says functional like a regular schedule!

ask her what she wants to see from you then. she may not be truthful but at least then you have more information - right now you're just guessing because you haven't actually talked to her about this. do you have a therapist or some sort of treatment plan people? if they collude with her - finding a new one is critical - and if they don't, i'd suggest opening up about the uncertainty you feel. how you aren't sure quite what you're supposed to be doing to show her you're progressing. any good therapist should want to support you in making progress.

that sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic. i'm no expert - hell, i'm a hypocrite when it comes to healthy relationships - but if she criticises you whenever you decide something for yourself, how does that reconcile with her supposed desire for you to be happy? it seems to me that (and this is a huge assumption so feel free to ignore) she's trying to keep you dependent but manipulate you into thinking it's for your own good - like munchausen by proxy but with mental illness. idk just speculation here. but from what you've shared, that possibility leapt out at me.

don't apologise for venting. you're in a difficult situation and it's impossible to bottle everything up forever.

and yes, do your research. whatever path you choose to take - research the hell out of it. knowledge is power.