Venting Finding someone to love is both good and bad

[ThatStateOfMind]

There's many facets to this.

When you find someone to love, you can be so happy. It's a double-edged sword though, because they can equally destroy you. I got hurt in the past, and it's what brought me to this site. I've been at one of my darkest points with that.

Another thing that's a struggle is it becomes 10x harder to end yourself. If you love someone, and they love you, you know that CTB will crush them, and utterly destroy them. I mean, I try to put myself in their shoes. If they killed themself, I would be so damn hurt, it would feel like my heart was ripped out and honestly, instead of ending my suffering, I feel it would be more like a transfer of suffering than anything else. Then again, when you have nobody, it's still hard to CTB but you also feel lonely.

I've been in both positions and they both equally suck, maybe there's not much of a difference when your suicidal, but I suppose being in a relationship gives you SOMETHING to push forward for, SOMETHING to live for, SOMETHING to not die for. Maybe it's also delusional hope, I have no clue tbh. I know this may read as a word salad, and I apologize if it does, I'm just completely lost. I have a class I'm dreading starting soon.

I'm in a major I'm starting to hate, in a college I hate, in a life I hate.

 

[Neuromancer]

Can you still love, after what happened to you in the past?
If you can, I might congratulate you! - there's still piece of innerself that loves you.
I had bad experience on my past as well, and lose the capacity of love - because I can't love my self anymore - neither my family or a significant person. That's the end line, I guess.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Can you still love, after what happened to you in the past?
If you can, I might congratulate you! - there's still piece of innerself that loves you.
I had bad experience on my past as well, and lose the capacity of love - because I can't love my self anymore - neither my family or a significant person. That's the end line, I guess.

I still can, fortunately. I feel I lost that ability for a while. Not just the ability to love, but the ability to feel any significant emotion which was a terrible, long time, like a year. Sure there were spurts but all in all, I was pretty indifferent. Sounds alright but I felt so wrong not feeling sad or crying at my grandfather's funeral. I loved him but I couldn't feel anything and never did in the weeks following his passing either.

I'm sorry you can't love yourself or others, that sounds incredibly difficult and I'm sorry you're experiencing that at all. I suppose I could relate somewhat with what I used to feel, but I obviously recuperated to a degree.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

Hey OP, this topic can be seen through different perspectives and, like you said, there's many facets to this. A mentally healthy person, or just someone who doesn't wish to CTB, can see the opportunity to be in love as something incredible or, just like you said, a double edged sword, because of the fear of getting hurt. For someone who wishes to CTB it's not only that but what you already said, being worried about the loss your significant other will feel.
Many people worldwide lose opportunities of falling in love and living a great experience just out of fear, because they're scared to live life. In my opinion, if the situation doesn't include the plan of CTBing, you should 100% (or almost) risk it. If you get hurt it will just be one more proof that you're alive and living. Otherwise, for someone suicidal, the situation is different: you don't want to put someone you love (or may love one day) through any pain. I understand that, but if you already have someone in mind and you are considering to start a relationship, you should tell them and discuss that, being honest is almost always the best path to follow. Personally, I did that in my last relationship and the other person understood the risk and chose to follow on with the relationship. So, who knows? I don't think someone should shut down all the opportunities to love and be loved, it's an amazing experience that you should enjoy as much as possible.

I suppose being in a relationship gives you SOMETHING to push forward for, SOMETHING to live for, SOMETHING to not die for.

Well, about that, if you want to be in a relationship to have something to live for, that's not the way and could lead to emotional dependence. But answering that, being in a loving and healthy relationship can be something to live for, something to make you want to fight and then find others reasons to live, but it's only a possibility, being in a relationship can also be terrible, just like so many other things in life. The thing I learned is: you can't really go out and search for a love/relationship that will be like that, the thing to "save you", those relationships happen naturally with time, so there's not much to do. If something in you wants a relationship for the hope it'll be a reason to stay alive, maybe a small part of you wants to stay alive and you could take strength from that tiny part of you to build a life you want to live.

Another thing in the topic that actually sucks for me: knowing that, if I ever find that love, I might have another reason to stay, I might love someone so much that I actually may want to stay alive to be with them. But I know that I don't like the possibility now because I'm not seeing through the eyes of love, and I trust myself enough to know that in the future, whatever happens, I will be doing what sound best for me, and it can be CTBing, getting married, moving abroad or living in an island by myself.


So I think that's it, it's an interesting topic to think about, but not something to worry about. If you ever fall in love, great, then you decide. If you definitely not want to fall in love, that's great as well, so follow on with that decision. Whatever happens, you'll deal with that when the time comes.
But my advice to anyone reading this: enjoy the possibilities, because you're alive now. You may choose not to be in 2 days, but what could you do to yourself today? Time is running through anyway, either you enjoy it or not, and you will never be able to come back to this moment.


And have a great class OP! Hope things get better.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

It definitely is painful when things don't work out, but I don't know how long I will be able to continue without anyone like that in my life