Hi -
Newly minted member here, hope you don't mind the long backstory.
I always felt a little off - even as a kid. My family moved every two years and every move made me more attuned to feelings of not belonging - real or imagined. As a whole, my childhood could have been worse, and it could have been better. I guess what really carried forward was an ability to emotionally attach or bond correctly.
So I had friends, a job, and dated - but didn't fully put it all together. Never married, never had kids. I was able to keep my career on track for the most part and ended up on a nice career track. About ten years ago, I started drinking heavily alone to numb the isolation. It increased the isolation - to the point where I stopped seeing friends or family about a year ago. It started to hurt my career as well - as I can no longer proactively reach out to people as well and am just kind of numb to it all.
The last two months have been especially terrible - with bursts of sadness that are difficult to control, heavier than normal drinking. I no longer leave my bed, unless to go to work. It's not even really my bed, just the darkest room in the house I could find.
My neighbors and family have noticed and my sister tried to intervene more forcefully this weekend, asking to go to the doctor with me. It was a very kind gesture on her part, and one I appreciated. The hard part for me is that I have no initiative to change, and don't see the potential benefits of medication - just a longer slide into the dark spot of my personality.
Life isn't easy for everyone. Some of us have thoughts and feelings that can not be overcome- no matter how hard you fight or people try to help. I think we all have the right to examine our lives and determine whether they are worth continuing. Exercising that agency and acting to end my pain seems a much more noble end state for me then sitting in the dark, alone. So that brought me here, seeking ways to end things in a way that was quick and quiet.
Reading all your stories has been quietly therapeutic and put a bit of a brake on my plans. But it still leaves me with the fundamental question of whether I can turn this around - or whether I'm just going to continue to slide and ctb is the honest and rational route.
It's screwing with my head. I imagine others have to be struggling with the same.
Newly minted member here, hope you don't mind the long backstory.
I always felt a little off - even as a kid. My family moved every two years and every move made me more attuned to feelings of not belonging - real or imagined. As a whole, my childhood could have been worse, and it could have been better. I guess what really carried forward was an ability to emotionally attach or bond correctly.
So I had friends, a job, and dated - but didn't fully put it all together. Never married, never had kids. I was able to keep my career on track for the most part and ended up on a nice career track. About ten years ago, I started drinking heavily alone to numb the isolation. It increased the isolation - to the point where I stopped seeing friends or family about a year ago. It started to hurt my career as well - as I can no longer proactively reach out to people as well and am just kind of numb to it all.
The last two months have been especially terrible - with bursts of sadness that are difficult to control, heavier than normal drinking. I no longer leave my bed, unless to go to work. It's not even really my bed, just the darkest room in the house I could find.
My neighbors and family have noticed and my sister tried to intervene more forcefully this weekend, asking to go to the doctor with me. It was a very kind gesture on her part, and one I appreciated. The hard part for me is that I have no initiative to change, and don't see the potential benefits of medication - just a longer slide into the dark spot of my personality.
Life isn't easy for everyone. Some of us have thoughts and feelings that can not be overcome- no matter how hard you fight or people try to help. I think we all have the right to examine our lives and determine whether they are worth continuing. Exercising that agency and acting to end my pain seems a much more noble end state for me then sitting in the dark, alone. So that brought me here, seeking ways to end things in a way that was quick and quiet.
Reading all your stories has been quietly therapeutic and put a bit of a brake on my plans. But it still leaves me with the fundamental question of whether I can turn this around - or whether I'm just going to continue to slide and ctb is the honest and rational route.
It's screwing with my head. I imagine others have to be struggling with the same.
