YukiFox
Pastel demon
- Dec 8, 2018
- 320
Hi to all community. I'm alive, I was really busy on my workplace.
I entered on this site to find answers like: "Is really suicide worth it? Or I need to wait?" When I log in on the first week, I was searching about why people feel suicidal, as my beloved friend passed away about six years ago when she jumped...
Later I admitted that I'm suicidal too. I was being hypocrite for being pro life when internally I fantasied a lot with my own death (and not only by CTB, also with illness or accidents), because I was fell really lost about my life, I fell like a failure, wasted my youth with uncertain actions and incredible procrastination. And I asked to myself: "If I feel like this, defeated, isolated, puzzled, WITHOUT a serious event like terminal illness or mental disorder... what if I have a real challenge on my mind or life?" So I searched a lot of answers here, and CTb was one of them.
I've tried partial, nothing happened. I was conscious about all the wrong procedures about my hanging. But, on the same week I was on a despair, a light bulb appeared on my mind. I started to investigate, and suddenly I was realizing something, after did a summary about my life, that I was a transgender person, in exactly terms, a non-binary woman. Since that I'm feeling less puzzled, less on despair. Surely, I aware of all the challenges who is being a trans woman on this world, but I'm grateful to live on a century who we are more accepted than other countries or historical contexts. If I was born on a different country, or live on the past centuries, my life as a man would be more messed up.
Well, I m not entirely "CTB free". Only I'm not having it right now. I accept suicide as an honorable and rightful death, and I'm not judging anyone who decides to leave this messy world. Also I'm aware that having a transition doesn't resolve my depression or anxiety problems, but as living as Agatha I feel a little hope rather than my male life.
My point is: I'm not leaving this community for nothing. I will not asking for deleting my account. I like this place, and I want to discuss a little more as a kind of psychopomp rather than an imminent suicidal person.
If in some point of my life I decided to end my own life I will not fear the death and consider my act with dignity.
PD: If you're still consider CTB, you are entirely free with your decision. Only I will not CTB tomorrow (Or at least I think so).
I entered on this site to find answers like: "Is really suicide worth it? Or I need to wait?" When I log in on the first week, I was searching about why people feel suicidal, as my beloved friend passed away about six years ago when she jumped...
Later I admitted that I'm suicidal too. I was being hypocrite for being pro life when internally I fantasied a lot with my own death (and not only by CTB, also with illness or accidents), because I was fell really lost about my life, I fell like a failure, wasted my youth with uncertain actions and incredible procrastination. And I asked to myself: "If I feel like this, defeated, isolated, puzzled, WITHOUT a serious event like terminal illness or mental disorder... what if I have a real challenge on my mind or life?" So I searched a lot of answers here, and CTb was one of them.
I've tried partial, nothing happened. I was conscious about all the wrong procedures about my hanging. But, on the same week I was on a despair, a light bulb appeared on my mind. I started to investigate, and suddenly I was realizing something, after did a summary about my life, that I was a transgender person, in exactly terms, a non-binary woman. Since that I'm feeling less puzzled, less on despair. Surely, I aware of all the challenges who is being a trans woman on this world, but I'm grateful to live on a century who we are more accepted than other countries or historical contexts. If I was born on a different country, or live on the past centuries, my life as a man would be more messed up.
Well, I m not entirely "CTB free". Only I'm not having it right now. I accept suicide as an honorable and rightful death, and I'm not judging anyone who decides to leave this messy world. Also I'm aware that having a transition doesn't resolve my depression or anxiety problems, but as living as Agatha I feel a little hope rather than my male life.
My point is: I'm not leaving this community for nothing. I will not asking for deleting my account. I like this place, and I want to discuss a little more as a kind of psychopomp rather than an imminent suicidal person.
If in some point of my life I decided to end my own life I will not fear the death and consider my act with dignity.
PD: If you're still consider CTB, you are entirely free with your decision. Only I will not CTB tomorrow (Or at least I think so).
