Venting Finding a meaning

[Noxy]

First post here, so I'll try to recap my current situation in the best way possible.


I'm 18 years old, I've started thinking and fantasizing about suicide around the age of 13/14, after getting way too emotionally bonded to a girl suffering from depression, anorexia, bulimia, and self-harm. After years of dealing with her suffering, I was eventually left alone and, in my opinion, traumatized by all of the pain I went through with her while being way too young to be able to emotionally handle even a fraction of that.

In the past year I've started getting more informed about my mental health and I found out that I'm experiencing most of the common symptoms of a Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia). Having spent all of my childhood being treated only as the little one of the family by both my parents and my older sister, I eventually learned that it was the best for me to bottle up every problem, thought or decisions or mine to avoid being "shrugged off" or even get made fun of, so I've been waiting my 18th birthday to finally decide to start and see a therapist all on my own, to understand if I am really suffering from depression and what I can do to take back my life.

As per now, everything seems futile in my point of view. I stopped caring about school, sports, hobbies, fitness and my future. I understand that there is absolutely no meaning in all of this shit, I've been suffering for most of my life and I will be suffering for all the time I've left, just to eventually die and be forgotten forever a few years later.

At the moment I've decided to wait for the death of my parents to commit suicide. I cannot even think about doing this to my mother and my father right now, even though they never took me seriously, they've always loved me and killing myself now would really destroy all of their lives. My currently best future plan is finding a decent job to get by for a couple years, wait for my parents death and then catch the bus myself. Living with a wife and children, working a 9 to 5 job and dying at 80 literally seems like hell to me.

I really hope to start seeing a specialist soon and get a proper diagnosis, even though just the thought of having to make an effort in something has always been way too scary for me, especially for something like this. I don't want to want to die.


Thanks to everyone who took the time to read the whole thing.

 

[faust]

Hello, there is no need to live or die unless you determine that.
It is good you will visit a therapist soon, this will assure you of the diagnosis.
Anyway, sorry, you have to experience all these things.
"working a 9 to 5 job and dying at 80" seems very discouraging, when you get a proper treatment, it is possible you will be able to avoid a 9 to 5 life.
Wishing you a good luck in whatever you do!

 

[Mr2005]

The only meaning left is helping others. I can't talk to my 18 year old self but I can talk to you. It's painful sometimes admittedly and my tough love approach has got me all the hate you'd expect. So be it. No one hates me more than I do. With any luck when the time comes I'm on my deathbed I may have finally learned to forgive myself

 

[theguineapigking]

Hey Noxy. Man,I know life is so tough and annoying. It can definitely seem pointless. I feel that it is personally. But sometimes you have to find your own meaning in life.

Being around someone very depressed can definitely rub off. If someone you care about is sad, a lot of times it will also make you sad. But now imagine depression. It's a very deep and emotionally destroying illness. It doesn't surprise me that it "rubbed" off on you,at least to some extent. Growing up can also trigger it. Seeing that after school is done,you're expected by society to go back to another school,yay! College. Society sucks and that really can contribute as well.Working the typical 9-5 having kids life is my nightmare. I hate society and want nothing to do with it. Don't forget,you don't need to think that's the only choice there is. There are other options. Just because society dictates you should get married and have kids doesn't mean you have to.


You said your parents have never taken you seriously. Have you sat down with them and really tried talking to them? Have you really made a true effort to explain to them how you feel? If they know you're feeling depressed and suicidal,or at least you've told them this...in the extreme case,you could always "accidentally" leave your phone open with a post you've made about depression. If they see for themselves that you are seeking help,maybe they'd see how serious you are? If you did that,just make sure you plan accordingly. You know your parents better than me of course,so you'd have to decide if that's a good idea or not. But sometimes seeing that your kid is posting on a serious website could show them the seriousness of the situation.


If you want to talk at all,I'm here man. No judgement. Pm me or just reply. Either way's fine with me. I'm 21. So basically I'm around your age. So I can relate more to society from a younger adult standpoint.


I wish you the best.