Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Checked my voicemails and got some voicemails from: my Dad. (I dunno why he's bothering to call tbh and I don't plan on calling him back tbh. After what he said to me a week or so ago... I don't want to talk to him.
My brother emailed me asking why my phone is off. I just sent him some.screen shots/ words of posts and said im suicidal, thinking, and not ready to re-engage/ he doesn't understand so I don't wanna talk to him.
Maybe I'll call him but I dunno if I see the point though.
I emailed my friend. The mutual acquaintance sent her info to send me about poetry workshops. And the psw service has called her as she is the emergency contact. And she replied to my email from Wednesday.
One thing she said bothered me tbh: something about like if ima live again maybe it looks like figuring out how to survive with everything or like regardless of what life throws me(paraphrasing) which I get where she is coming from but omgggg is it ever irritating to even read..that's literally what I've been doing and a very like core aspect of my suffering.
I can't handle everything and I'm not some endless thing and ik she wasnt saying that but like humans all have limits and I've reached mine. I don't think I can expect myself to be able to survive it all.
I sent the emails, did a call and now I feel very awake and very like??? What to do with my day. Could drink some cannabis drinks and continue to chill out/hope it chills me out or get up for a few hours and do something.
I could even go to the writing group. I kinda wanna clean
Ackkk life has got me fucked up even just turning my phone off has made my stomach feel upset.
The more time I've spent being "alive" today... the less I want life at all. Ughhhhhh. All of this is so frustrating. I do feel my life is done. My capacity well over it's limit. But unfortunately I'm not dying now. Unfortunately it takes so much planning and precision... sooo yee...
I dunno turning my phone on just kinda made me feel sad.
I don't wanna get up and engage in life. The urge to clean was a stress response. My friend said she sent off a game console for me. She encouraged me to share my thoughts with supports which honestly?? Is just kinda laughable...
What does sharing it with them fucking do?
Nothing. My supports like my workers and therapists goal is to keep me alive and I don't want to be alive at all anymore so.
Im definite about dying. I don't want to live this life maybe if there was another life but mine feels like fucking shit.
Im sure about nitrogen so I needa figure it out asap but it won't be happening this month. So unfortunately I needa just keep myself alive and well enough.
I don't feel like cleaning anymore or anything just tired. Gonna have a cannabis drink and watch the show I was watching before on youtube. Hope I can relax and sleep more.
My brother emailed me asking why my phone is off. I just sent him some.screen shots/ words of posts and said im suicidal, thinking, and not ready to re-engage/ he doesn't understand so I don't wanna talk to him.
Maybe I'll call him but I dunno if I see the point though.
I emailed my friend. The mutual acquaintance sent her info to send me about poetry workshops. And the psw service has called her as she is the emergency contact. And she replied to my email from Wednesday.
One thing she said bothered me tbh: something about like if ima live again maybe it looks like figuring out how to survive with everything or like regardless of what life throws me(paraphrasing) which I get where she is coming from but omgggg is it ever irritating to even read..that's literally what I've been doing and a very like core aspect of my suffering.
I can't handle everything and I'm not some endless thing and ik she wasnt saying that but like humans all have limits and I've reached mine. I don't think I can expect myself to be able to survive it all.
I sent the emails, did a call and now I feel very awake and very like??? What to do with my day. Could drink some cannabis drinks and continue to chill out/hope it chills me out or get up for a few hours and do something.
I could even go to the writing group. I kinda wanna clean
Ackkk life has got me fucked up even just turning my phone off has made my stomach feel upset.
The more time I've spent being "alive" today... the less I want life at all. Ughhhhhh. All of this is so frustrating. I do feel my life is done. My capacity well over it's limit. But unfortunately I'm not dying now. Unfortunately it takes so much planning and precision... sooo yee...
I dunno turning my phone on just kinda made me feel sad.
I don't wanna get up and engage in life. The urge to clean was a stress response. My friend said she sent off a game console for me. She encouraged me to share my thoughts with supports which honestly?? Is just kinda laughable...
What does sharing it with them fucking do?
Nothing. My supports like my workers and therapists goal is to keep me alive and I don't want to be alive at all anymore so.
Im definite about dying. I don't want to live this life maybe if there was another life but mine feels like fucking shit.
Im sure about nitrogen so I needa figure it out asap but it won't be happening this month. So unfortunately I needa just keep myself alive and well enough.
I don't feel like cleaning anymore or anything just tired. Gonna have a cannabis drink and watch the show I was watching before on youtube. Hope I can relax and sleep more.
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