nofun.intended
i hate being alive is amazing
- Oct 18, 2022
- 39
I'm 19 and I've been living independently for the past 9 months or so. My mental health has been on the decline since 2017-2018, and around then was when I tried to CTB for the first time. I used two plastic Walmart bags tied around my head, and then secured it with some duct tape. clearly (and unfortunately), it didn't work. I was about 14ish when that went down, but I feel like I'm ready to try again. my method of choice this time around will be partial suspension with a belt lodged in my closet door.
I tested it out a couple times this morning, and the first time I kneeled down and leaned forward I immediately started feeling that dizzy, lightheaded feeling. Ofc I panicked though, cause I'm not ready to go just yet. I want to write goodbyes of some sort to different family members that have raised me throughout my childhood.
This isn't my first method of choice. At first I wanted to jump off a building, then off a bridge into the ocean, then I wanted to jump in front of the train that I recently lived near. That was my CTB method for 2.5 whole years, but I never did it... just continued cutting myself. Well, guess what? Cutting isn't doing sh*t anymore lol. They're all scarred over and starting to lose their color, which makes me sad because I can't see that I have visible damage anymore. Idk how else to explain it. But when I think about cutting myself again, I just get annoyed because honestly don't feel motivated to do it. It's a process maybe I'm not interested in.
Anyways, back to the main topic; Partial suspension with a belt. I think I'd be able to do it. I was thinking of waiting until either nighttime or when none of my roommates are home. I also had a knee sock wrapped around my neck under the belt for comfort and added pressure, but when I really do it I think I'm gonna take my necklace off first... it kept getting in the way.
Here's a picture of my Benjamin Bear. He was my beautiful model to show you guys what I did with the belt <3
His father is my ex, but we don't talk about that in front of poor Ben. My last ex made me feel like I was going insane... to the extent of having some kind of episode in the Walmart parking lot where I felt like my body & brain was going to explode. I started hitting myself and couldn't stop... I made my nose bleed on accident and couldn't believe what I was doing, what was happening. I can't do this anymore. I don't see myself growing old and being successful. I work full-time in a restaurant that I hate, but I love my co-workers like family. I see myself continuing to work dead-end job(s) until I can possibly retire, but then what? I'm gonna rot away in a retirement home until I die of old age? Yuck. Some freak accident could happen in my lifetime, but that's taking a gamble and waiting it out. I want a child of my own dearly, but I know deep down it would be better if I didn't have my own kids.
I tested it out a couple times this morning, and the first time I kneeled down and leaned forward I immediately started feeling that dizzy, lightheaded feeling. Ofc I panicked though, cause I'm not ready to go just yet. I want to write goodbyes of some sort to different family members that have raised me throughout my childhood.
This isn't my first method of choice. At first I wanted to jump off a building, then off a bridge into the ocean, then I wanted to jump in front of the train that I recently lived near. That was my CTB method for 2.5 whole years, but I never did it... just continued cutting myself. Well, guess what? Cutting isn't doing sh*t anymore lol. They're all scarred over and starting to lose their color, which makes me sad because I can't see that I have visible damage anymore. Idk how else to explain it. But when I think about cutting myself again, I just get annoyed because honestly don't feel motivated to do it. It's a process maybe I'm not interested in.
Anyways, back to the main topic; Partial suspension with a belt. I think I'd be able to do it. I was thinking of waiting until either nighttime or when none of my roommates are home. I also had a knee sock wrapped around my neck under the belt for comfort and added pressure, but when I really do it I think I'm gonna take my necklace off first... it kept getting in the way.
Here's a picture of my Benjamin Bear. He was my beautiful model to show you guys what I did with the belt <3
His father is my ex, but we don't talk about that in front of poor Ben. My last ex made me feel like I was going insane... to the extent of having some kind of episode in the Walmart parking lot where I felt like my body & brain was going to explode. I started hitting myself and couldn't stop... I made my nose bleed on accident and couldn't believe what I was doing, what was happening. I can't do this anymore. I don't see myself growing old and being successful. I work full-time in a restaurant that I hate, but I love my co-workers like family. I see myself continuing to work dead-end job(s) until I can possibly retire, but then what? I'm gonna rot away in a retirement home until I die of old age? Yuck. Some freak accident could happen in my lifetime, but that's taking a gamble and waiting it out. I want a child of my own dearly, but I know deep down it would be better if I didn't have my own kids.
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