Story Finally had the guts to tell my psychiatrist

[siouxsie]

been seeing my psychiatrist for 2 years and never managed to tell him much about my suicidal ideation let alone any attempts. But I finally did it. After the usual "how have u been doing" -"shit" I told him things escalated quickly and I went apeshit bpd. He asked me to explain what it looks like when I escalate like that. And I was just like well a week ago it looks like it tried to strangulate myself, but I guess that didn't work out . Poor man. Took him by surprise there. Apparently I'm so good at masking that he did not see that one coming. Utter shock in his eyes. Felt a little bad about not breaking this to him in a slower fashion. I was close to crying cause of the obvious risk of being sent straight to hospital. We talked about the circumstances for a while. Told him that my husband was going to send me to hospital after he found me, but I ran away and didn't want to go because I happened to work there. My psychiatrist said I should have gone that day , no matter if I know all the people there. He went on to figure out if I can keep myself safe until my next appointment. I wasn't really convincing. We both noticed that. But I told him it's the best I can offer. He knows I'm unable to lie, and I said it's the best I can do right now and that I'm trying. And somehow that was enough for me to make it out of there without being sectioned.

This probably isn't interesting to most of you, but I just needed to get it out.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

That is a MAJOR accomplishment; I'm really proud of you for being open & honest! I imagine he's reviewing the data he got from you and is coming up with a better way to help you. I really hope you stay safe until your next appointment, and please let us know how it goes!

 

[siouxsie]

That is a MAJOR accomplishment; I'm really proud of you for being open & honest! I imagine he's reviewing the data he got from you and is coming up with a better way to help you. I really hope you stay safe until your next appointment, and please let us know how it goes!

Thank you. I just hope there is a way to help me. I can deal with constant ideation. It's the impulsiveness that comes with bpd that's hard to handle. He upped my meds right away, but so far they make me too tired to function.

 

[LostLily]

I'm proud you mustered up the courage to be open and honest with him. It must've been hard , I saw a a counselor for over 5 years and never told told her about my suicidal ideation

 

[siouxsie]

I'm proud you mustered up the courage to be open and honest with him. It must've been hard , I saw a a counselor for over 5 years and never told told her about my suicidal ideation

It definitely was hard. I was scared, shaking and trying hard not to cry. Took me a good 10 minutes until I was ready to look him in the eyes again. But it definitely was worth it. Felt really liberating to finally be fully open. We have talked about ideation before and how I would do it. But I never brought up the issue of impulsive attempts before, because of shame and fear of being sectioned. But finally talking about it definitely was worth it and I know I can talk openly now cause if he didn't section me after attempting to hang myself a couple of days before my appointment with him I feel like I don't need to be too cautious around him anymore now. I guess his office really is that safe space that has been promised.
If you ever go back to therapy you might want to give it a try too. I feel like it really changed our relationship for the better

 

[theater]

I'm BPII so not exactly the same as you. I'm suicidal as well and I did some self [redacted] today. Not my first time experimenting with methods to CTB.

I am proud of you for telling your doctor how you really feel and what is actually going on. Be aware of what you are going to say before you go to an appointment. These people can certainly hospitalize us. If you want to be hospitalized, then you know what to say.

I tell them a lot about my suicidal ideation, what methods enter my mind, how often I think about killing myself. They have threatened to hospitalize me but so far they have not. They don't know about how I've done methods A and B to myself as rehearsals for later. They don't know exactly how many methods I have available to me.