Venting Finally found my reason

[Waitingforanend]

A few weeks ago I went through a really rough experience. I've always had trouble getting friends through my life and the problem escalated when I got to college back in September. Now, I burned bridges with two friend groups and the second one were ones I really cared about. It was rough. That's when I started to consider CTB'ing (if that's a word).

Fast forward to today after a lot of self-reflection, and it's clear that I've always been the problem. I'm always causing other people to get hurt, giving them bad memories. And I believe that one should strive to do the most good in the world.

If ending myself prevents the same bad experience from happening ever again to anyone else, I'm willing to do it. It's clear I don't belong, hell I never have. I was gonna do SN but I chickened out when I ordered some and canceled it. But I got roughly 3m of nylon rope that I can hang myself with. My campus is near a park so I'm gonna send one last goodbye to the one person that tried to help, write my note, and walk into the forest, hopefully never walking back out.

I'm so fucking sick and tired of fighting. I've fought all my life, and I'm done. Every time I try to reach out, to help other people, I'm demonized and thrown away. Hate to get political, but it doesn't help that I'm more on the conservative side while in a very liberal city college campus. Hell, I'm sure these people would celebrate my death. And if that makes them feel better, so be it. The only reason I haven't is because of my parents, but I don't know how long I'll be able to hold on. Ideally I'd ctb by the end of the year, but our winter break is coming up soon so I'll see if I feel better over that. Most likely not, but at least I won't ruin Christmas for my family.


I'm sorry for making you guys read this. I just needed to get it off my chest, and no one else would understand or even listen. I guess if I have one final message, it would be don't give up. I know that's ironic from some anonymous suicidal user here, but I hope everyone who reads this can live better lives. At the very least, I hope you can make peace with your choice. Thanks for reading this mess.

 

[piger]

I'm in a similar boat as you. I can't even make friends with other conservatives irl, not since HS at least. I've tried and tried to break that cycle of losing people but it always comes down to that way when I lose my cool worrying about it. I've learned that I need to be more emotionally vulnerable towards others and if it's not meant to be so be it. I've actually gotten back with a one or two people I burned bridges for shit I was mad with them at the time, and in retrospect I am glad I left them when I did. No matter what you did, if you already haven't, it wouldn't hurt to reach back out to your old friends to see what they're up to; especially the second one you cared about.

I think you're final message is pretty ironic too, but I and many others would say the same thing and we are the worst at taking our own advice. None of us want each other to cbt but we just accept it as it is. If do not think you're not fit for the world and shit is gonna go more downhill, then stop trying.

What are you studying? I'm a third year in psychology.

btw if you follow through with your plan, send a timed message so you do not cause a ruckus. You can always cancel it and once it's sent there's nothing that they can do to stop or "save" you.

 

[Zegers]

I wouldn't km because of other random people.

Godspeed

 

[FuneralCry]

In this world it does often feel as though interacting with other people just makes things worse for us and creates more suffering and harm. It must had been awful having to deal with people like that and it's understandable feeling so tired of it all. I hope that you find what you wish for.