Venting Filth.

[Alnilam]

I've been trying to binge watch all the movies and shows I always wanted to see or loved as a child. I've been putting them off for years because.. for some reason I always felt like certain medias--especially the kind that feature romance, coming of age or common real life scenarios wasn't made for someone like me. Like I'm too hideous to enjoy them or relate to them. I made it through watching Ponyo and My Neighbor Totoro for the first time and I was trying to watch Spirited Away but when I saw Chihiros parents gorging themselves and then turning into pigs.. and then Haku and Lin. I felt filthy--bitter and resentful almost. Like by just existing in this world I had been robbed of any chance of ever being beautiful or pure. Never in this flesh will I know what it's like to be healthy, pretty, graceful or desirable, never will I know what it's like to lead a normal life with a normal family, to come home to a house that is warm, inviting and aesthetically pleasing.

To be able to run, dance, do cartwheels, scream in delight and just be myself--without fearing what others might think, say or worse--do to me. I remember when I was a little girl, my mother left me at her friend's house and I was wearing a skirt that I liked, I thought nothing of it and was just sitting there minding my own business when she suddenly snapped at me and told me to close my legs. Why? Just.. why? I used to be very friendly and talkative as a child, I could make friends with anyone--now the idea of even interacting with a stranger makes me want to recoil into myself. Once middle school rolled around it's like I didn't have a voice anymore. I barely spoke above a whisper. I felt out of place, I couldn't run, play or exercise my voice like the other children because I was either too afraid or too conscious of how others might perceive me if I did.

Social rejection was my greatest fear, I desperately wanted to fit in but somehow always ended up being the social pariah. As a consequence, I was always quiet.. and people actually saw this as a good thing?? They rewarded my silence, they made an example out of me and my mother would just eat it up. After awhile I started to embrace it, silence became my identity, I forgot how to be a child, how to enjoy life, how to live in the moment, how to see things without judgmental eyes. I hate how this world has poisoned me. It feels like I've been tainted with a black stain that no matter how hard I scrub, will never wash out. That is, until hopefully, the day I die. The most painful part of it is--I can remember perfectly the girl I was before being infected by societies influences.

 

[jodes2]

I'm sorry you don't feel like you can talk to people anymore, it's crippling

 

[Pluto]

Childhood should be a time of growth and joy. It is so horrible when it is stolen from us, only to find ourselves in the adult world in a state of chaos that 'normal people' cannot relate to.

From what you've shared, I wonder if there could have been an issue with narcissism in the mother. If so, it is very helpful to understand what has happened and how it has distorted your thinking so you can decide how to proceed. Please take a look at this if you have time:

Narcissistic Mother: 12 Signs & Effects On Children | mindbodygreen

A narcissistic mother sees her children as an extension of herself rather than as their own individual people. Everything revolves around her.

www.mindbodygreen.com

 

[Alnilam]

Childhood should be a time of growth and joy. It is so horrible when it is stolen from us, only to find ourselves in the adult world in a state of chaos that 'normal people' cannot relate to.

From what you've shared, I wonder if there could have been an issue with narcissism in the mother. If so, it is very helpful to understand what has happened and how it has distorted your thinking so you can decide how to proceed. Please take a look at this if you have time:

Narcissistic Mother: 12 Signs & Effects On Children | mindbodygreen

A narcissistic mother sees her children as an extension of herself rather than as their own individual people. Everything revolves around her.

www.mindbodygreen.com

I recognize a lot of traits in my parents that align with less than favorable personal qualities. I know the world has had a hand in molding them into who they are today in order to get by and I don't fault or hate them for it, but they had a lot of opportunities to make things right and just chose not to. Sometimes even going the extra mile to throw a wrench in any sign of positive change or progress. Which has honestly put a strain on the relationship I have with them. I know they love me and care about me in their own way, but it's not the kind of love that's worth sticking around for. It feels more like a half-hearted obligation or duty.

 

[Pluto]

I recognize a lot of traits in my parents that align with less than favorable personal qualities.

I hear what you are saying.

The reason I bring up this issue is that sometimes, young people who have been neglected by parents feel that they are themselves to blame. They cannot see that they are a victim of caregiver negligence (be it malice or misguided goodwill). They sometimes excuse the parents, while expressing contempt for themselves.

I'm not trying to push your buttons. As a former childcare professional, I know that things would have turned out very different in your life if I had anything to say about it. I say you do deserve a life of joy and beauty in whatever time you have left.

 

[Alnilam]

I hear what you are saying.

The reason I bring up this issue is that sometimes, young people who have been neglected by parents feel that they are themselves to blame. They cannot see that they are a victim of caregiver negligence (be it malice or misguided goodwill). They sometimes excuse the parents, while expressing contempt for themselves.

I'm not trying to push your buttons. As a former childcare professional, I know that things would have turned out very different in your life if I had anything to say about it. I say you do deserve a life of joy and beauty in whatever time you have left.

Oh no I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to come off as cold or callous. I understand you mean well. Thank you for your compassion, it means a lot! Art, music and nature brings me joy and beauty, which is enough for me--but I know it'd be a whole different story if I could personally embody all that I find beautiful and graceful in the flesh.

 

[Nirrend]

I've been trying to binge watch all the movies and shows I always wanted to see or loved as a child. I've been putting them off for years because.. for some reason I always felt like certain medias--especially the kind that feature romance, coming of age or common real life scenarios wasn't made for someone like me. Like I'm too hideous to enjoy them or relate to them. I made it through watching Ponyo and My Neighbor Totoro for the first time and I was trying to watch Spirited Away but when I saw Chihiros parents gorging themselves and then turning into pigs.. and then Haku and Lin. I felt filthy--bitter and resentful almost. Like by just existing in this world I had been robbed of any chance of ever being beautiful or pure. Never in this flesh will I know what it's like to be healthy, pretty, graceful or desirable, never will I know what it's like to lead a normal life with a normal family, to come home to a house that is warm, inviting and aesthetically pleasing.

To be able to run, dance, do cartwheels, scream in delight and just be myself--without fearing what others might think, say or worse--do to me. I remember when I was a little girl, my mother left me at her friend's house and I was wearing a skirt that I liked, I thought nothing of it and was just sitting there minding my own business when she suddenly snapped at me and told me to close my legs. Why? Just.. why? I used to be very friendly and talkative as a child, I could make friends with anyone--now the idea of even interacting with a stranger makes me want to recoil into myself. Once middle school rolled around it's like I didn't have a voice anymore. I barely spoke above a whisper. I felt out of place, I couldn't run, play or exercise my voice like the other children because I was either too afraid or too conscious of how others might perceive me if I did.

Social rejection was my greatest fear, I desperately wanted to fit in but somehow always ended up being the social pariah. As a consequence, I was always quiet.. and people actually saw this as a good thing?? They rewarded my silence, they made an example out of me and my mother would just eat it up. After awhile I started to embrace it, silence became my identity, I forgot how to be a child, how to enjoy life, how to live in the moment, how to see things without judgmental eyes. I hate how this world has poisoned me. It feels like I've been tainted with a black stain that no matter how hard I scrub, will never wash out. That is, until hopefully, the day I die. The most painful part of it is--I can remember perfectly the girl I was before being infected by societies influences.

Hi sweet @Alnilam

I'm sorry you're suffering so much ❤

Regarding physical appearance, I can't really comment because I've never seen you and so I would never allow myself to say things just to please, I prefer to tell the truth

I understand that you suffer from this and it's true that the physical appearance is a "fatality" in the sense that it's part of us and that's all, we don't choose it

I also understand the fact that you hate your body, as if it was a prison in which you were locked up, even if I understand that you don't like yourself (if that can reassure you, it's also my case), you should know that the perception of beauty is also influenced by other factors

Some people consider someone's presence and charisma to be beautiful and attractive. Others will find that a warm, intelligent, benevolent personality enhances beauty!

Cold beauty is indeed only visual, but there are examples of people considered "ugly" and pleasant, attractive, charming (I have as an example Ed Sheeran, sorry for him).

And vice versa, people who are "visually" beautiful, but not attractive or repulsive

I know that you suffer on this theme, I'm sorry for that and I have the impression that it has caused you a lot of suffering ❤

But

For me, the fact that you don't like yourself doesn't just come from that

From what you describe with your mother, there seems to be a rather destructive relationship.

With a strict, guilt-ridden, oppressive and intrusive mother

Creating a feeling of being watched, of being unworthy. Or one has to comply with her perhaps too (old school?) liberticidal vision.

It makes you feel dirty, watched, abused in a way

But I suppose it also makes you feel like a force inside you that prevents you from taking liberties, for fear of being dirty, disowned, rejected

But since you can't act as you would like, you sacrifice your desires, you stay in your corner and you feel alone and not like the others,

Which can echo your mother in a way

I have the feeling that finally, even today, you have a maternal power inside you that has more control over your body than you should have.

Am I wrong?

If so I'm sorry, if not I hope I'm raising an important issue ❤

I understand your suffering and it is legitimate, I think from the bottom of my heart that by putting yourself down for a little while to think about all this, you will finally be able to find an inner freedom, to please yourself in order to please others (because physical attraction also works like that) and you will finally be able to find your happiness in all this ❤

You can also finally look at other Ghiblis without feeling bad! (It's a pity, there are some good ones too I'm teasing you!)

Anyway, you have courage to have endured all this, you did the hardest, we believe in you, things can get better ❤

Keep us posted on how things are going

We're thinking of you ❤

Love ❤

 

[Alnilam]

Keep us posted on how things are going

We're thinking of you ❤

Love ❤

Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. It's kind of strange, I've found more warmth and understanding here than I ever did in real life. I wish we could all meet each other again in another life in a better world. I'll try to keep you guys updated, it feels good to have a safe-space to just vent and organize my thoughts. Not the fake kind of safe-space either where you have to be positive all the time. It's nice to have people to share the highs and lows of day to day life, this site and people like you have come as a huge comfort. I can't thank you all enough.

 

[Nirrend]

Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. It's kind of strange, I've found more warmth and understanding here than I ever did in real life. I wish we could all meet each other again in another life in a better world. I'll try to keep you guys updated, it feels good to have a safe-space to just vent and organize my thoughts. Not the fake kind of safe-space either where you have to be positive all the time. It's nice to have people to share the highs and lows of day to day life, this site and people like you have come as a huge comfort. I can't thank you all enough.

❤❤❤

 

[FuneralCry]

Existence can certainly be very painful and it's such a cruel world that brings people to the point of wishing to be gone. I get that it's tiring feeling trapped in a life that causes you to suffer to such a great extent. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.