Story Feels like life is so overwhelming

[decafcheeseburger]

I'm 35/m doing my postdoc in the US.

Last year I realized I'm an imposter, I never was interested in research. I barely made it out from grad school without actually becoming an expert.

I still dreamed of getting a job in academia because I knew my personality is not fit for the outside world.

However, now on my third year, I barely read any papers and my project is going nowhere and I'm just wasting my time here.

Since couple months ago, I realized I've been distracting myself from the fact that I'm getting nowhere and also I've never been serious in life.

My mom shielded me throughout life. Now I feel like I never grew up and I still feel like a child inside.

Life feels unbearable. Can't imagine myself dealing with stuff like my parents growing old, myself getting old, illnesses, pain, and eventually death.

Just seems like it is impossible to deal with life. Suicidal Ideation kicked in. Just feels like my life was built in a wrong way.

I have no purpose in life and I don't have a dream.

I'm only alive because of my parents and because I'm afraid to execute.

 

[soul2realm]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is in fact a puzzle, a mystery or even a conundrum. -- almost impossible to decipher. Then why punish us for something even the better of us failed to do.
What you did in your life is you lived it, be it in anyway. And that's all we can do.
My small analogy:-
We all came onto this platform called life and now we are just here till our train back home arrives. Now what we decide to do with our time here that's up to us.

 

[decafcheeseburger]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is in fact a puzzle, a mystery or even a conundrum. -- almost impossible to decipher. Then why punish us for something even the better of us failed to do.
What you did in your life is you lived it, be it in anyway. And that's all we can do.
My small analogy:-
We all came onto this platform called life and now we are just here till our train back home arrives. Now what we decide to do with our time here that's up to us.

Thank you. I just can't get rid of the idea that life from now on would be mostly some sort of suffering. And if there is a way to just end it now, why would I have to keep going. I've been keep on looking at methods for a long time. I learned that it is a coping mechanism and I don't truly want to die. But It sucks to feel suicidal ideation when I face any kind of discomfort. I wonder if I could just choose to end life when I want, would that actually make me more motivated in life without worrying to face all the sufferings in life.

 

[soul2realm]

Thank you. I just can't get rid of the idea that life from now on would be mostly some sort of suffering. And if there is a way to just end it now, why would I have to keep going. I've been keep on looking at methods for a long time. I learned that it is a coping mechanism and I don't truly want to die. But It sucks to feel suicidal ideation when I face any kind of discomfort. I wonder if I could just choose to end life when I want, would that actually make me more motivated in life without worrying to face all the sufferings in life.

It is quite normal to feel the suicidal ideation you mentioned. It's a built-in human tendency that rise up with other emotions when facing uncertainty. If I may suggest, it really helps when we stop trying to make big or lofty future plans and take baby steps instead. Even a small activity as baking a cake or a meal can enhance motivation levels if done with joy and my secret ingredient - music(lol).

 

[fedup1982]

God that sounds like something I could have written. My father did everything for me so I'm useless as an adult

 

[decafcheeseburger]

God that sounds like something I could have written. My father did everything for me so I'm useless as an adult

How are you dealing with the overwhelming feeling of life?

 

[fedup1982]

How are you dealing with the overwhelming feeling of life?

It's hard. I'm having to see it through one day at a time, knowing I have another 50 years worth to go. So every day I just take the path of least resistance and live the easiest life in the short term that I can, but it'll backfire one day I'm sure