Jellifiishe
Where is my mom? Please get me my mom.
- Apr 24, 2025
- 2
my first post ever guys lets celebrate!!1! My typing is really juvinile and i apologize!!
+
but 2 get right into it, my suicide is inevitable. It has pretty much always felt that way for like..ever.
I've been suicidal since i was in like maybe 4th grade so, to me, being super duper depressed and wanting to die weaved it's way into my sense of self when that developed. So its like a part of me which is exciting.
I thought I had more to say when I started typing this, so maybe it will only be a little paragraph but --
I know that everyone on here is different and their own person but I haven't really been able to truly relate to much of what I've read on here, which is okay.
I have childhood trauma , but nothing crazy, like at all, atleast from what I can remember. And that makes me feel really selfish because of how much it affected me - like my brain totally overreacted and now i have all sorts of problems that won't ever truly go away.
I can't really think, at all, if that makes sense. Whenever I do anything there isn't ever really anything going on in my brain, no passive thoughts that I can 'hear' or anything. I never have anything to contribute to a converstation - I'm so bad at those. I do have autism but for me my lack of brain anything doesn't feel like the way that is described typically for autism from what I hear. but it;s so weird! there's like no passive thoughts unless i am actively like... talking? (but only in the way that I think the sentence I'm saying as i say it... but that's all.) Therapist says that can be because of trauma but then that's where the problem starts because my trauma won't ever go away. I'm not nearly as sad about what happened anymore but something like this will be the same forever!! I don't.. want to deal with that.
but crazy how my trauma is permanent...
I always say that i need an actual lobotomy or to then just ctb cus it's like ... there's actually no going back or fixing this
and when i try to challenge and work on it... my therapist doesn't!!! freaking get it
I think I have maybe 13 mental health related diagnosises, not bragging ofcourse but just a perspective. I don't know if the number is for sure. I took a peek at my referral sheet when I was being moved to a school that specialized in problematic kids.
but i mention that because I would think i'm pretty functional and my mental health never truly takes over my life until i properly notice how much it is still very much present and how there is SO much wrong with me
its like why am i this way?! ohh cus of everything that's happened to me ever—it's never goin away?! that's CRAZY.
i think it's so gross that i will continue to have no brain no thoughts into my 'proper' adult life, and I'll always have problems caring about others, and I'll never have anything to contribute to a conversation never! forever
THIS is why it feels like it doesn't get better—and most things about depression and suicidal ideation i find onlinenI can never relate to
because i do know that the situation will always change, but i am suicidal for a different reason. i am not suicidal because my dad sucks and we have no money no food.. no bitches.. I'm actually accepting and living with this situation quite well i am suicidal because the permanent changes to me as a person are so far from the norm that i do not think i can continue living this way. and it's worse because this is the part that never changes. there IS something wrong with me and there is nothing i can do about it because it doesn't get better
some people kill themselves (soley) because they are getting bullied, or they're in a bad relationship and while i am NOT talking down to these people or think that I am better than them, I get it!! of course.. i am just acknowledging that i am different from them and that my situation is a separate one
the difference is that they would've stopped being bullied, eventually, probably or they could've gotten out of their relationship, ect. I have to live with myself (the thing that makes me so sad) and my current issues forever!! and this will never change. In the most not selfish way possible, i think that my situation is more understandable when closer compared to someone with a physical problem- a disability or chronic illness (CRAZY how I have both, but i am mostly referring to people with ones that effect them a whole lot more，like a missing limb or something that induces chronic pain.)
these people have to live with their physical ailments forever! and in the case of chronic pain, they will hurt forever; the body cannot 'get used' to pain afaik and it will be bad until they die.
this is how it feels for me- i can be positive about a current arrangement, but i cannot change what is fundamentally wrong with me, and it will feel wrong forever. I will be all old and still be upset that no one wants to talk to me because I have nothing to say, ect. there is no fixing my brain and if that's what's bothering me most, why is it wrong to kill myself?!
I used to feel like I was living for other people (my sister! i love her she's the greatest) but it's gotten to a point that it feels like something like that is no longer stopping me.
also want to mention that i KNOW that others may think i am overreacting and that this isnt a huge deal but i am NOT strong unfortunately and I just dont,, really want to keep living if it's like this idk guys.
i think that if i can get everyone to understand me and how i feel then it will not be so bad if I kill myself if you look at my situation objectively, you are able to understand exactly where my feelings of hopelessness come from and I'm sure that other people will agree to an extent.
it's like when a family member has something terminal or when a grandparent is declining and you can understand that their death is inevitable.
while it does feel incredibly selfish to compare me to such situations, especially since those people probably didn't want to die—my death feels as inevitable as theirs is
i know i sound all emo and gross and childish sorry
unrelated, still about me: it almost feels like i am too aware. i think this is a trait of autism so I understand that but obviously it still effects me. my self awareness is so strong yet so, so lost that it confuses me. It feels to me that i can understand myself and the human experience to a point where it feels like i can almost tell the future - feels like i have a book of videogame cheats or something (but this book didn't come with what to do in social situations unfortunately)
Like i am aware when i am going through a phase and that it will end soon, or sometimes i know that i am just too young for something and that i WILL understand when I'm older- sometimes i understand that i do certain things for specific reasons, I understand myself psychologically pretty well.
Which is why I'm so sure about this.
Objectively, at the moment, i'm in a good place life wise:
- i am in a relationship
- i am doing well academically (i'm still in school)
- food on table
- people who love me
- a successful future, potentially
but then also,, my brain is the same and so it feels like eveyrthing is bad anyway!
i used to be doing horribly academically:
I had a horrible middle school (secondary) experience -- hit 0% attendance at one point (was too depressed to even TRY to attend) so then that meant that I missed all of the learning and so when i had to do my big important exams, i BARELY scaped a pass, had to drop every subject other than the core ones, and even then, failed one of those too.
This limited my college (jr - sr year of HS, seperate establishment here) choices to the really bad ones that was for evil dropouts that (not-so)secretly wanted to join gangs..
I joined a school, hated it, joined another and liked it a LOT more.
Teacher is good, cares about us, set us up for success!
doing awsum work experience in large tech company.. current path leads to success.
thats really nice!! but i dont actually want to experience what comes after success because that means more life (bad)
so for me, i think that the concept of me being like not having a bad future is comforting enough for me to so say baii :p because i really didnt wanna be like really disappointing to my family and stuff but i also dont want to have to like actually live that life and do that eveerydya
i think thats all thanks guys babies first vent guys lets hype this up get it to 100 likes
TLDR: my life is okay atm, could probably be really good but im really mentally ill and want to die anyway
sorry guys this is 1.5k words do not read all of that oh my goodness
+
but 2 get right into it, my suicide is inevitable. It has pretty much always felt that way for like..ever.
I've been suicidal since i was in like maybe 4th grade so, to me, being super duper depressed and wanting to die weaved it's way into my sense of self when that developed. So its like a part of me which is exciting.
I thought I had more to say when I started typing this, so maybe it will only be a little paragraph but --
I know that everyone on here is different and their own person but I haven't really been able to truly relate to much of what I've read on here, which is okay.
I have childhood trauma , but nothing crazy, like at all, atleast from what I can remember. And that makes me feel really selfish because of how much it affected me - like my brain totally overreacted and now i have all sorts of problems that won't ever truly go away.
I can't really think, at all, if that makes sense. Whenever I do anything there isn't ever really anything going on in my brain, no passive thoughts that I can 'hear' or anything. I never have anything to contribute to a converstation - I'm so bad at those. I do have autism but for me my lack of brain anything doesn't feel like the way that is described typically for autism from what I hear. but it;s so weird! there's like no passive thoughts unless i am actively like... talking? (but only in the way that I think the sentence I'm saying as i say it... but that's all.) Therapist says that can be because of trauma but then that's where the problem starts because my trauma won't ever go away. I'm not nearly as sad about what happened anymore but something like this will be the same forever!! I don't.. want to deal with that.
but crazy how my trauma is permanent...
I always say that i need an actual lobotomy or to then just ctb cus it's like ... there's actually no going back or fixing this
and when i try to challenge and work on it... my therapist doesn't!!! freaking get it
I think I have maybe 13 mental health related diagnosises, not bragging ofcourse but just a perspective. I don't know if the number is for sure. I took a peek at my referral sheet when I was being moved to a school that specialized in problematic kids.
but i mention that because I would think i'm pretty functional and my mental health never truly takes over my life until i properly notice how much it is still very much present and how there is SO much wrong with me
its like why am i this way?! ohh cus of everything that's happened to me ever—it's never goin away?! that's CRAZY.
i think it's so gross that i will continue to have no brain no thoughts into my 'proper' adult life, and I'll always have problems caring about others, and I'll never have anything to contribute to a conversation never! forever
THIS is why it feels like it doesn't get better—and most things about depression and suicidal ideation i find onlinenI can never relate to
because i do know that the situation will always change, but i am suicidal for a different reason. i am not suicidal because my dad sucks and we have no money no food.. no bitches.. I'm actually accepting and living with this situation quite well i am suicidal because the permanent changes to me as a person are so far from the norm that i do not think i can continue living this way. and it's worse because this is the part that never changes. there IS something wrong with me and there is nothing i can do about it because it doesn't get better
some people kill themselves (soley) because they are getting bullied, or they're in a bad relationship and while i am NOT talking down to these people or think that I am better than them, I get it!! of course.. i am just acknowledging that i am different from them and that my situation is a separate one
the difference is that they would've stopped being bullied, eventually, probably or they could've gotten out of their relationship, ect. I have to live with myself (the thing that makes me so sad) and my current issues forever!! and this will never change. In the most not selfish way possible, i think that my situation is more understandable when closer compared to someone with a physical problem- a disability or chronic illness (CRAZY how I have both, but i am mostly referring to people with ones that effect them a whole lot more，like a missing limb or something that induces chronic pain.)
these people have to live with their physical ailments forever! and in the case of chronic pain, they will hurt forever; the body cannot 'get used' to pain afaik and it will be bad until they die.
this is how it feels for me- i can be positive about a current arrangement, but i cannot change what is fundamentally wrong with me, and it will feel wrong forever. I will be all old and still be upset that no one wants to talk to me because I have nothing to say, ect. there is no fixing my brain and if that's what's bothering me most, why is it wrong to kill myself?!
I used to feel like I was living for other people (my sister! i love her she's the greatest) but it's gotten to a point that it feels like something like that is no longer stopping me.
also want to mention that i KNOW that others may think i am overreacting and that this isnt a huge deal but i am NOT strong unfortunately and I just dont,, really want to keep living if it's like this idk guys.
i think that if i can get everyone to understand me and how i feel then it will not be so bad if I kill myself if you look at my situation objectively, you are able to understand exactly where my feelings of hopelessness come from and I'm sure that other people will agree to an extent.
it's like when a family member has something terminal or when a grandparent is declining and you can understand that their death is inevitable.
while it does feel incredibly selfish to compare me to such situations, especially since those people probably didn't want to die—my death feels as inevitable as theirs is
i know i sound all emo and gross and childish sorry
unrelated, still about me: it almost feels like i am too aware. i think this is a trait of autism so I understand that but obviously it still effects me. my self awareness is so strong yet so, so lost that it confuses me. It feels to me that i can understand myself and the human experience to a point where it feels like i can almost tell the future - feels like i have a book of videogame cheats or something (but this book didn't come with what to do in social situations unfortunately)
Like i am aware when i am going through a phase and that it will end soon, or sometimes i know that i am just too young for something and that i WILL understand when I'm older- sometimes i understand that i do certain things for specific reasons, I understand myself psychologically pretty well.
Which is why I'm so sure about this.
Objectively, at the moment, i'm in a good place life wise:
- i am in a relationship
- i am doing well academically (i'm still in school)
- food on table
- people who love me
- a successful future, potentially
but then also,, my brain is the same and so it feels like eveyrthing is bad anyway!
i used to be doing horribly academically:
I had a horrible middle school (secondary) experience -- hit 0% attendance at one point (was too depressed to even TRY to attend) so then that meant that I missed all of the learning and so when i had to do my big important exams, i BARELY scaped a pass, had to drop every subject other than the core ones, and even then, failed one of those too.
This limited my college (jr - sr year of HS, seperate establishment here) choices to the really bad ones that was for evil dropouts that (not-so)secretly wanted to join gangs..
I joined a school, hated it, joined another and liked it a LOT more.
Teacher is good, cares about us, set us up for success!
doing awsum work experience in large tech company.. current path leads to success.
thats really nice!! but i dont actually want to experience what comes after success because that means more life (bad)
so for me, i think that the concept of me being like not having a bad future is comforting enough for me to so say baii :p because i really didnt wanna be like really disappointing to my family and stuff but i also dont want to have to like actually live that life and do that eveerydya
i think thats all thanks guys babies first vent guys lets hype this up get it to 100 likes
TLDR: my life is okay atm, could probably be really good but im really mentally ill and want to die anyway
sorry guys this is 1.5k words do not read all of that oh my goodness
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