Venting feelings of disgust...

[juxtajuno]

trigger warning for discussions of rape/sexual assault.

i can't help but feel so disgusting for all of the things that have happened to me. i feel like my entire life has consisted of people taking advantage of me and using me when i'm at my lowest point. getting violently raped at 13 permanently skewed my view on reality and the people within it. i have an extremely difficult time trusting any man, and i'm skeptical of anyone's intentions with me, even if they're just my friend. i started having sex with people as a coping mechanism around 17, it's taken a lot to make that stop since.

i lost my (consensual) virginity to a man that was 25 at the time, 8 years older than me. he was so loving and kind at first, and took good care of me and my emotions, but he very quickly changed. i think he got tired of having me around and just didn't know what else to do with me. he lulled me into a false sense of security one night after i had been drinking (he doesn't drink) and let his brother and his brother's friend take advantage of me. i was frozen. i had no idea what to do because i didn't want to make him angry with me, so i just let it happen. i hate myself for it. i tried pushing his friend off and telling him no after a few minutes, but he and my boyfriend completely ignored me. i sat on the floor of his bedroom and cried afterwards while he admonished me and told me i was a whore. we were together for a year and a half before he left me.

i had sex with two other guys after that relationship; i fell into the arms of anyone who would give me attention. it didn't matter if it was good or bad. i hooked up multiple times with a guy at my work who absolutely hated me and told me how disgusting i was every chance he got. i didn't care. i couldn't care. he was a warm body that would hold me (reluctantly) after we had sex, even if it didn't mean anything. i just wanted to be loved and i thought that was what love meant. even if they made it blatantly obvious that they didn't really want to be with me and were just using me, i didn't care. i'm so lucky i met my current significant other after that situation. i think i'm starting to understand what love really means even if it scares me to death sometimes.

i still can't help but feel so dirty. the kind of dirty you can't scrub off under hot water. it just... lingers in my skin after all this time. it's been years, i'm 20 now, and i still feel the same pain and heartache i did when these things happened to me. is that my purpose as a woman? to be berated and used for my body? i'm hardly valued for anything else in the real world. i'm only seen as valuable because i have tits and ass. it's so dehumanizing. i hate this body that i've been born into. i want to set myself on fire and disfigure myself so men won't find me attractive, so i'll finally be safe. i'm so scared to exist sometimes. if i'm disgusted with myself then i know for a fact that other people are. i told my past serious romantic partners about the things that have happened to me and they just... looked at me weird. like it devalued me in their mind. i think my s/o is the only person who didn't think of me as dirty, and instead vowed to protect me and make me feel loved. at least i have him around. that's the only reason i have left to stay here.

 

[grendel4578]

i was sexually assaulted twice at 7 and spent a lot of time around bad people and also ended up getting into relationships with pretty much anyone who would give me attention as well ever since about 13-14 and all of them turned out horrible (except for the one i'm currently in, first time i've felt genuinely loved for once, but i still have a hard time feeling almost anything because of how empty i always feel) and i usually got taken advantage of, gaslighted, and abused in various ways. i hope that by talking about a similar experience it'll make you feel atleast somewhat better. i think your s/o really does care about you and i hope he'll make things better for you and help you to forget everything that happened before. in the end you should really only care about those you wish to, because honestly most people on this planet are shitheads anyways. i wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide to do in the end. and honestly i kind of want to self-immolate as well so that there will be nothing left of me, it's not too common and i guess people generally do it to protest, so it seems interesting, but rather painful.

 

[Andarosh]

I'm 23 years old and still a virgin... Although a year ago I did the most horrible thing to one of my dearest friend I've ever had.... When we were both drunk I lost control over myself and (according to a talk with psychologist my subconciousness took control over me also because I was in love with her) I was touching her .. down there... And through this I've lost only friend I've had after being alone for 5 years... and so for a year I am alone again.. I am done, I realise what kind of a monster I am, and I wish to ctb...

 

[TabooMushroom2]

I'm 23 years old and still a virgin... Although a year ago I did the most horrible thing to one of my dearest friend I've ever had.... When we were both drunk I lost control over myself and (according to a talk with psychologist my subconciousness took control over me also because I was in love with her) I was touching her .. down there... And through this I've lost only friend I've had after being alone for 5 years... and so for a year I am alone again.. I am done, I realise what kind of a monster I am, and I wish to ctb...

You are not monster but more like junkie, you are not bad but more like weak, you have some like animal instinct what you are unable to controll, That not make you bad and you even see what is bad with you, that actualy making you better than others who do same things and do not care about conseqences. Now you can use knowlage from that incident about your weakness to make another friendships more stable with less friendship harmfull incidents.