Venting Feeling very unstable

[faraway_beach]

Lately I have been having anxiety attacks, which are new for me. I feel I may be compelled by circumstances to CTB very soon, even before the end of the month. At other times, I have brief moments of calm when my fears look ridiculous, as if I had been about to kill myself over trivia.

Maybe I should not assemble the supplies for my chosen method in this state of mind. If they are there, I might use them on the spur of the moment. However, one of the things that worries me is the prospect of having to improvise if I need to CTB before I have the supplies. I have seen other people say that they felt calmer once they knew for sure that they had a way out. Also, if I manage to learn enough about encryption and the dark net to get the supplies in the first place, maybe I'd feel relieved that my brain isn't as bad as I fear.

It takes me so long to compose what I want to say that I can't post while I'm in the midst of having the troubling thoughts, so I'm venting now. Thanks for reading this.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I get your indecision. I feel that as a rule, any decision made in haste on impulse is unlikely to turn out how you want it. Best if you can back off and think and choose what to do with a clear head. Though ofc I realise this isn't at all easy sometimes. Personally I've made some catastrophic rushed choices recently that have seriously screwed my life up.

 

[SpaceForGrace]

I feel the same way. The everyday anxiety is wearing me down and may be the one to push me over the edge sooner than my illness does. I fight it for my loved ones. I want to last for as long as I can.

 

[faraway_beach]

I am still going in both directions.

Toward the bus stop, I have downloaded Tails and burned it to usb, booted into it, and made sure I can get online with it. Now I could try browsing a darknet market to see what's available. So far, all free and legal.

Toward life, I got up the nerve to ask management about a vital document I feared I was missing, only to find out it hasn't been issued yet. One less thing to worry about, for the time being! Then I went for a walk, for the first time in days. As I passed the oldest of the amusement parks here, the owner happened to be on his way in, and he invited me to a behind-the-scenes tour! I got to see the workshop where they do maintenance on the rides and paint the backdrops.

I had feared that circumstances might force me to ctb very soon, but now I begin to have hope that I can last until opening day, at least. I had thought I was incapable of enjoying anything anymore, but maybe I was wrong.