Feeling trapped and helpless

[Lizzie123]

I got put on antidepressants when I was 12. I stayed on them until I was 20 when I decided I wanted to try getting off of them. After I tapered off of them I developed a condition called PSSD (Post-SSRI sexual dysfunction). My sexuality is completely gone and sex is basically impossible because of the extreme pain. My emotions are also numbed out and I can barely laugh or cry anymore. I was only able to shed a couple tears when I found out my aunt is dying. I've lost my motivation too, I used to finish my assignments weeks ahead of time and now I can't bring myself to do them until the very last minute. I don't even get hungry anymore. The worst part is this condition is permanent with no known cure or treatment because it's most likely due to genetic changes in the brain. I'm only 21 and lose my mind thinking of having this for the rest of my life. I'm constantly feeling pity for myself and wondering why this happened to me and how I could be so unlucky. I want to order the debreather but I'm sharing a tiny apartment with my boyfriend and I'm worried he would find it. I don't even think I'd be able to kill myself anyways. I tried doing it before with the tourniquet method but stopped myself before I passed out because of survival instinct and feeling really guilty about leaving my mom and boyfriend behind. I never asked to be born and go through all this but here I am and I can't get out of it :(

 

[faust]

I feel sorry that the things which were meant to help you recover actually made it worse and now you have to recover from these things.
But at the same time I say thank you because you shared your story with us and maybe saved somebody's well-being from total destruction by medication.
This is a very hard situation and if you can, try to start solving the issue as soon as possible because the more you wait, the harder it may be to fix (if possible at all). I would recommend you to try your best to recover from this if you have not tried hard yet. If everything is gone, then it is up to you to decide what you will do next. Anyway, we won't blame you. Some things are hard to bear, we are here to listen if you need us!

 

[Brink]

It's a fucking pisstake and ultimately the worst kind of irony. I feel you; we share similar experiences, but mine was psychostimulants and a different set of issues. I think we place too much trust in psychiatric opinion and intervention, and there's lacking availability of alternative frameworks to conceptualise and treat our distress and mental ill health.

Have you joined PSSD forums? Perhaps you could channel your frustration?

I recommend checking out

Spoiler: Critical Psychiatry

https://www.criticalpsychiatry.co.uk/index.php

and

Spoiler: Recovery in the Bin

Recovery in the Bin

A critical theorist and activist collective.

recoveryinthebin.org

I agree with @faust on his advice and wish you all the best.