Venting Feeling the loneliest I've ever felt while being held

[Smellanie]

I just spent 30ish min crying in my boyfriends arms. Of course, I had to ask to be held (while crying) for him to lazily put one arm on top of me. Had to ask to be told I love you, ect. No matter what I said it was 1 word grunts from him. He didn't even ask me what was wrong. We weren't even fighting beforehand I just came home from work after a bad day and got in bed and cried and I guess he didn't give a shit for some reason. We've been together 4 years...
Eventually I just got up and went to the couch because if I'm going to cry at least I'd like to feel like I'm not an annoying fucking loser. He is the only person in my life who even gives me the time of day at this point, and this pretty much cemented my plans to ctb. Like he's obviously going to break up with me soon so what am I supposed to do? Do double or triple the hours at work, move to a roach infested 1 bedroom apartment alone because that's all I'll be able to afford....sounds fucking awesome.
Hooooly shit I really don't understand the point of this world. Then again I have bpd so in an hour I'll feel better again by watching a stupid youtube video or something.

 

[Lmd]

Honestly living in a 1 bedroom apartment don't sounds bad. I guess he does other things for you?

If the youtube video is good share it

 

[rt1989526]

As someone with bpd who lives in a shitty 1 bedroom apartment alone.... Ya I got nothin. Hope you feel better soon

 

[L I F E T O L O S E]

he must have been surprised that you arrived crying out of nowhere

 

[Ghost2211]

Well, I would pick the not roachy ones, but you might like living alone away from a loveless relationship can help you feel better. Working more hours is hard, but it will keep you busy and distracted through the initial awful of breakup. Get a small pet that will hug and love you back like you deserve. Crap relationships are like a heavy rock to carry around. It feels weird without it for a while, but then when it's gone for a while you look back and remember how painful and draining it was to cary.

 

[shorecomingsee yah]

that title really hits home for me, story of my life
hope you feel better

 

[Giraffey]

I know that what with the anonymity of the internet, one never truly knows what happens behind the digital curtains; and yet whenever I read a post like yours and genuine sadness leaps out from flat words and hits me in the chest; I find myself desperate to say something comforting yet lacking the wisdom to make good on that desire. So instead, as always, I shall cobble together the few thoughts I have into something vaguely coherent, hoping that my empathy finds it's way to you through the wires, the closest we have to a virtual hug...

You deserve so much better than to be driven to thoughts of suicide by unrequited affection and unmet needs from a partner of four years, for that, I'm truly sorry. But I agree with RoseyBird above, living alone and away from the toxicity of a loveless relationship may 'paradoxically' empower you with the strength you need to take another run at life.

I spent a couple of years stuck in a loveless, miserable and at times, abusive relationship and it slowly washed away my spirit like tears in the rain, getting out of that relationship and moving to aforementioned one-bedroom bachelor dive was simultaneously one of the hardest and most important things I ever did.

It's never easy to let go and swim for shore in the middle of a storm, but instead of clutching to this crumbling rock; really the anchor dragging you,gasping, below the water; let go and trust the only person who matters right now - yourself.

 

[RealHumanBean]

If decent housing was easier to come by, I don't think breakups would be even half as bad. I stayed in a shitty dead bedroom relationship way longer than I should have because I also couldn't afford to live on my own. Can't handle the stress of risking living with a bad roommate, so you just stay put and watch your relationship fester. The devil you know..

 

[Panna]

I'm basically parroting the same stuff as everyone else above but that's a shame. Coming from my own experience, when you see someone crying, youre supposed to sit em down and let them just vent. Not to rag on your boyfriend but the least he could do is something in that regard. In my family, whether its my mom crying or my brother crying, having anyone who just listens and cares is such a godsend. Just to put an idea out there, have you considered buying some cheap land and just living on it in like a car or rv? My brother got sick of paying over a thousand dollars for his place, and found land, over two acres for about seventy dollars a month, and he just lives there in his rv. The ideas not for everyone, but saving up and getting something nicer might help. Sorry if what I typed isn't very helpful.

 

[Smellanie]

Hey everyone thanks for the kind words. I really really appreciate that you all took the time to write everything.
I didn't word this well last night because I was so upset, But our relationship isn't like this all the time. It has its ups and downs, and it's not the main reason I want to ctb. The thing is if we did breakup I'd straight up be fully alone. I have "friends" but like I said they don't talk to me. Can't be bothered to reply to a text or two a week from me.
I do like the idea of living in a RV on empty land haha. Would have to find a place like that around here, because I live in a big city.
Anyways yeah idk what to say, just I really appreciate all of you.

 

[LonelyNick]

I just spent 30ish min crying in my boyfriends arms. Of course, I had to ask to be held (while crying) for him to lazily put one arm on top of me. Had to ask to be told I love you, ect. No matter what I said it was 1 word grunts from him. He didn't even ask me what was wrong. We weren't even fighting beforehand I just came home from work after a bad day and got in bed and cried and I guess he didn't give a shit for some reason. We've been together 4 years...
Eventually I just got up and went to the couch because if I'm going to cry at least I'd like to feel like I'm not an annoying fucking loser. He is the only person in my life who even gives me the time of day at this point, and this pretty much cemented my plans to ctb. Like he's obviously going to break up with me soon so what am I supposed to do? Do double or triple the hours at work, move to a roach infested 1 bedroom apartment alone because that's all I'll be able to afford....sounds fucking awesome.
Hooooly shit I really don't understand the point of this world. Then again I have bpd so in an hour I'll feel better again by watching a stupid youtube video or something.

I identify with all of this so much. I did everything for my ex and they gave 0 shit about me. Never gave me physical affection, never said nice to me/about me. Barely actually spoke to me, only through texts and messenger. I took care of them while they were sick. They cheated on me so I broke up with them and they left recently. Now I'm sick and alone. But at least I'm not alone with a cheater.

 

[watsonsmith]

Hey, I'm sorry you are struggling and feeling so lonely.

I also was diagnosed with BPD and over the years I have been on both ends of the situation you described with my ex (who remains the love of my life...).

Speaking from my experience, I would suggest you try to openly talk about your needs with your partner. I am really devastated I haven't come up with this simple solution that perhaps would have saved my relationship. Neither me or my partner would do it though, because I imagine we both feared the other would just abandon us if we let them in on what we really want/actually are. I know it's almost impossible to see when you are in the situation, but perhaps it would be possible one things have cooled off a bit?

I would have said: "I am lonely, I am finding it extremely difficult to meet new people right now, I have terrible anxiety and I need your help." Instead of pretending like I am this strong and cold person with crying tantrums every now and then when I felt her gradually slipping away from me. And she would have probably told me that she is finding it increasingly difficult being with me that she is also lonely in my presence, because I am never fully there, that I am not satisfying her need for comfort and that generally she feels something is off between us.

Truth and honesty are the panaceum for BPD I believe. At the same time when our (at least my) judgment is clouded by these strong emotions is sometimes difficult to discern what it is we truly need. I empathise with the feeling of extreme loneliness when you have to ask for the affection you need and getting a meager response at best. Try and talk about it with him more openly (unless I am only assuming that you haven't already done that, in which case I'm sorry).

 

[worthlessdisaster]

i live with my other half and his friend and he works night shift so i sleep alone most nights and after work he takes off to go do his own thing and gets back in time to take a nap and go to work. we sleep in the same bed but he won't hold me anymore. he also doesn't hold my hand or anything anymore because my depression and the way i act has pushed him too far. and when i cry it's always "why are you crying now" well because i'm broken and the one person i should feel safe with makes me feel like i don't belong here. he can join the club with the rest of them. i already knew i didn't belong but this past 6 months has shown me everyone gets tired of me and i'm worthless and disposable. he even went out of his way (probably not far out) to tell me he's been done for 6 months but i can stay and try and fix things alone because he's done putting in any effort. i'm so sorry you are dealing with that. i get it. he's all i had left. i chose him over the little bit of anything i had with my family