Cant Maintain
Garbage Fire
- Aug 21, 2020
- 147
I originally had the idea set in my head of going 11/28 to give myself plenty of time to think about things but fuck. FUCK that date is so far off and I feel this call to just fucking do this thing EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. I can't get it out of my head. I wake up I want to die. The space between episodes of something, or just some time alone. Want to die. Spend time with friends, they leave or fall asleep. Death. Constantly. I've had several hospital stays recently over some cyclic vomiting issues, good news. LOTS of anti-emetics (including supository promethyzine) and meto. The worst part is my entire passion lies within cannabis. I love to tend to plants, I love to smoke it. I love to produce things using it. All the doctors love to toss at me is that "oh stop smoking weed" over some mysterious link to a cyclic vomiting disorder related to it, but that isn't it. I've had this happen before when I took a long ass break from it; and even if it is, its like chopping the fingers off a guitarist. What else do I have left? All I'm good at is growing and selling weed. And even if its not the weed thing and its something else, its TORTUROUS. As if being trans and a fucking depressed sack of shit wasn't enough, this is just the nail in the coffin. I don't feel taken seriously by doctors. Don't feel taken seriously by psychologists or therapists. Friends can tell something is wrong, but not enough to KNOW, and keep trying to force love on me, but I feel like a numb unfeeling monster. I just want to continue on my path to taking SN, but my options are severely limited. I could take it in the garage at my friends house, but people are home constantly, they're accustomed to the sound of me vomiting, but I also don't want them to find my body. I could take a sleeping bag out to a nice concealed spot and do the deed, but going cold and vulnerable is....unappealing. A thought finally occurred to me, I'm a keyholder at work and could simply go through the motions till everyone leaves with a sleeping bag tucked away (I'm houseless, sleeping on a friends couch and this will arouse no suspicion) wait for people to leave, then set up a preset email that delivers 4 hours later and leave as much warning not to enter the bathroom as possible and to just call paramedics.
I wish I could send a delayed text message that would work but i just don't know where to even begin to look for something like that.
And fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK multiple personalities suck.
THC used to help me suppress my dreams but I haven't been able to smoke it and all I can dream about is my dead friends, especially the one that went to this method and its fucking goading us. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't ask to be trans, or disowned, or poor, or alive. Why am I forced to fucking stick around when I don't want to to uphold some self imposed date. As it stands, I CTB at my earliest convenience, which may be 2-3 weeks. I don't care anymore, and dammit, why should I at this point?
I also want to finish my note before I go, but I've NEVER been good at writing with deadlines.
I wish I could send a delayed text message that would work but i just don't know where to even begin to look for something like that.
And fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK multiple personalities suck.
THC used to help me suppress my dreams but I haven't been able to smoke it and all I can dream about is my dead friends, especially the one that went to this method and its fucking goading us. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't ask to be trans, or disowned, or poor, or alive. Why am I forced to fucking stick around when I don't want to to uphold some self imposed date. As it stands, I CTB at my earliest convenience, which may be 2-3 weeks. I don't care anymore, and dammit, why should I at this point?
I also want to finish my note before I go, but I've NEVER been good at writing with deadlines.
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