Venting Feeling stuck alone and unwanted

[Liseli]

This is a huge thoughts and word vomit.
I finally moved after from my shitty home town 6 months ago, but I barley made any new connections or friends. The only few friends I had were from my small hometown. I miss my family and my old life. I at least had someone there. I am ignored and treated like trash at my new work place aswell. I am miserable. I only didn't ctb yet to proof to myself that I can handle formal training for 3 years. But I even doubt I can do that mentally. Treatment seems still so far out of reach. Anyone who even reaches out, I reject in fear of just being abandoned again like usual. I think as the years go by I lose my spark more and more. I am tired scared and alone most of the time. All I am waiting is to wait those 3 years out to finally die wirh no risks and having one thing proven to myself. But I don't even know if I can hang on like this.

All I want is friends who care about me or a lover who does. But I am a loser woman for my age. I don't go out. I don't have many fun stories and I don't have friends. Everyone of my peers has and they all look so normal...It makes me feel like shit even more.

I don't want to go back go my stupid one bedroom apartment alone in a city where no one would even care if I died.

I'm trying to build a future with nothing in hand while also wanting to fucking die. I am a fucking loser and moron

 

[Dante_]

Hugs Lis

 

[Abyss Dweller]

You think about moving back?

It definitely sounds like you are being incredibly harsh on yourself.
Also try not to compare yourself to others or how normal their life look. Good for them. You do you.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

This is a huge thoughts and word vomit.
I finally moved after from my shitty home town 6 months ago, but I barley made any new connections or friends. The only few friends I had were from my small hometown. I miss my family and my old life. I at least had someone there. I am ignored and treated like trash at my new work place aswell. I am miserable. I only didn't ctb yet to proof to myself that I can handle formal training for 3 years. But I even doubt I can do that mentally. Treatment seems still so far out of reach. Anyone who even reaches out, I reject in fear of just being abandoned again like usual. I think as the years go by I lose my spark more and more. I am tired scared and alone most of the time. All I am waiting is to wait those 3 years out to finally die wirh no risks and having one thing proven to myself. But I don't even know if I can hang on like this.

All I want is friends who care about me or a lover who does. But I am a loser woman for my age. I don't go out. I don't have many fun stories and I don't have friends. Everyone of my peers has and they all look so normal...It makes me feel like shit even more.

I don't want to go back go my stupid one bedroom apartment alone in a city where no one would even care if I died.

I'm trying to build a future with nothing in hand while also wanting to fucking die. I am a fucking loser and moron

Stop being literally me or im sending you ventis.