AnnihilatedAnna
A Joke
- Apr 17, 2018
- 1,346
feel free to skip this.
Today i had a consult with a psychiatrist about medication and stuff, antidepressants in preticular. She asked all sorts of questions i would not mind if my dad hadn't been in the room, unfortunatly because I'm a minor he had to be there. I love my dad to bits so its really difficult for me talk about wanting to die with him there because i know that stuff hurts him, thats also one of the main reasons I'm alive. Everything intensified since i started talking so i dont really know what to do. I feel awful because my dad cares and that people care about me in general. I mean wtf is wrong with me? I'm good at separating my feelings from my thinking. I can see what it would do if i killed myself, i would hurt people because i know they care, but I don't see how they can. I think of myself as a slut or as a piece of shit, i cant shake those feelings. I cant see how they could care about me. I hate myself more and more everyday and i cant seem to stop. A few weeks ago i overdosed on my stepmoms medication, it wasn't a lethal overdose it was more like to take the edge of or jjust to feel calmer. A teacher at my school found out i took something because of the way i acted. He told me that if i didnt want to get better all of this shit isn't going to work, and he was right. But i dont know what i want. I don't want to live anymore but i also dont want to hurt those around me or scar people. That teacher is a good guy and he is very involved with everything i do but i cant seem to shake what he said. I feel like i dont deserve help or him. But they keep telling me that I'm a good person, that I'm smart and that I do deserve it but i really dont know.
Today i had a consult with a psychiatrist about medication and stuff, antidepressants in preticular. She asked all sorts of questions i would not mind if my dad hadn't been in the room, unfortunatly because I'm a minor he had to be there. I love my dad to bits so its really difficult for me talk about wanting to die with him there because i know that stuff hurts him, thats also one of the main reasons I'm alive. Everything intensified since i started talking so i dont really know what to do. I feel awful because my dad cares and that people care about me in general. I mean wtf is wrong with me? I'm good at separating my feelings from my thinking. I can see what it would do if i killed myself, i would hurt people because i know they care, but I don't see how they can. I think of myself as a slut or as a piece of shit, i cant shake those feelings. I cant see how they could care about me. I hate myself more and more everyday and i cant seem to stop. A few weeks ago i overdosed on my stepmoms medication, it wasn't a lethal overdose it was more like to take the edge of or jjust to feel calmer. A teacher at my school found out i took something because of the way i acted. He told me that if i didnt want to get better all of this shit isn't going to work, and he was right. But i dont know what i want. I don't want to live anymore but i also dont want to hurt those around me or scar people. That teacher is a good guy and he is very involved with everything i do but i cant seem to shake what he said. I feel like i dont deserve help or him. But they keep telling me that I'm a good person, that I'm smart and that I do deserve it but i really dont know.