Venting Feeling shitty and not knowing what to do

[AnnihilatedAnna]

feel free to skip this.

Today i had a consult with a psychiatrist about medication and stuff, antidepressants in preticular. She asked all sorts of questions i would not mind if my dad hadn't been in the room, unfortunatly because I'm a minor he had to be there. I love my dad to bits so its really difficult for me talk about wanting to die with him there because i know that stuff hurts him, thats also one of the main reasons I'm alive. Everything intensified since i started talking so i dont really know what to do. I feel awful because my dad cares and that people care about me in general. I mean wtf is wrong with me? I'm good at separating my feelings from my thinking. I can see what it would do if i killed myself, i would hurt people because i know they care, but I don't see how they can. I think of myself as a slut or as a piece of shit, i cant shake those feelings. I cant see how they could care about me. I hate myself more and more everyday and i cant seem to stop. A few weeks ago i overdosed on my stepmoms medication, it wasn't a lethal overdose it was more like to take the edge of or jjust to feel calmer. A teacher at my school found out i took something because of the way i acted. He told me that if i didnt want to get better all of this shit isn't going to work, and he was right. But i dont know what i want. I don't want to live anymore but i also dont want to hurt those around me or scar people. That teacher is a good guy and he is very involved with everything i do but i cant seem to shake what he said. I feel like i dont deserve help or him. But they keep telling me that I'm a good person, that I'm smart and that I do deserve it but i really dont know.

 

[Corrie]

sweetheart we are all feeling the same way. Ready to really be scared. I'm 42 and saying the same. Been through the meds, family has given up on me because it hurts them and since they can't seem to do anything to help. I will be homeless soon because my current boyfriend of 3yrs is dumping me. DO NOT LET THIS BE YOU....they love you and we have to learn to live with it. Turn it in to something you like. When you get sad play HAPPY music or find a family member and just sit with them. Please don't do anymore drugs. You WILL become addicted. You'll just want that happy feeling. But trust me it doesn't last. Then you'll want more and more. Please live!!! I also feel alone, afraid and scared. I have plans to die from strangulation on my birthday.....poetic.

 

[Life sucks]

I understand how you feel the teacher is good but don't listen the words of others if they don't understand you, do they really know your pain? So don't make these words affect you. Anyone who is telling you that you should help yourself as if you are not suffering and blame you is wrong no matter how you feel about.

You are not a lesser person or a piece of shit. Just believe in yourself and you'll find more ways open for you.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

It's good that you are writing here about it .

I found writing about my experiences when I was about 16 - 17 really helpful.

It means that you are interested in yourself ... that you care enough about yourself to ask some questions.

So there is something inside you that is experiencing distress and wants to fix it .

I feel the same way ... that is why I am here .

What I have come to suspect as a strong possibility is that it matters what part of ourselves we identify with .

Do we identify with the stream of consciousness chattering self critic ... or with the "I" that is listening to it ?

Paradoxically they are both 'part of us ' ... and that critic is always yelling .

Where did those negative ideas come from ?

And who is this person that listens to this criticism and is hurt and wants it to stop ?


It is potentially about unraveling our history and seeing some processes that we now have to accept as a painful part of our life . ( damaging events/interpretations that sparked negative self talk ).

A life process as it emerges is actually fascinating , we just tend to forget that ours is too , because sometimes it is too painful to consider .

You already have a healthy sense of inquiry ... you are hitting some hard experiences early in life .
Nurture your interest in your situation.
Who knows who you are ?
You create yourself with increasing self awareness.

- sorry if this is glib bullshit but it's the best I can do.
I have a rescuer complex due to my family experience ...
Some times though , maybe just the chance of helping someone is a chance of helping ourselves .

You have helped me by realizing I need to get back to the pen and paper and put together my latest
musings / questions on this 'life' thing , practice what I preach .

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

It's good that you are writing here about it .

I found writing about my experiences when I was about 16 - 17 really helpful.

It means that you are interested in yourself ... that you care enough about yourself to ask some questions.

So there is something inside you that is experiencing distress and wants to fix it .

I feel the same way ... that is why I am here .

What I have come to suspect as a strong possibility is that it matters what part of ourselves we identify with .

Do we identify with the stream of consciousness chattering self critic ... or with the "I" that is listening to it ?

Paradoxically they are both 'part of us ' ... and that critic is always yelling .

Where did those negative ideas come from ?

And who is this person that listens to this criticism and is hurt and wants it to stop ?


It is potentially about unraveling our history and seeing some processes that we now have to accept as a painful part of our life . ( damaging events/interpretations that sparked negative self talk ).

A life process as it emerges is actually fascinating , we just tend to forget that ours is too , because sometimes it is too painful to consider .

You already have a healthy sense of inquiry ... you are hitting some hard experiences early in life .
Nurture your interest in your situation.
Who knows who you are ?
You create yourself with increasing self awareness.

- sorry if this is glib bullshit but it's the best I can do.
I have a rescuer complex due to my family experience ...
Some times though , maybe just the chance of helping someone is a chance of helping ourselves .

You have helped me by realizing I need to get back to the pen and paper and put together my latest
musings / questions on this 'life' thing , practice what I preach .

Thanks :) I really appreciate that

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Thanks :) I really appreciate that

You helped me start to clarify some things .

So , thank you too.

 

[voirpoet.]

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