Help Feeling scared

[tartvinegar]

SN is arriving tomorrow, within the time frame I need to ctb before I'm fired on the 28th.

I'm getting scared to follow through. But at the same time, I can't bear being alive and I feel so much pain. And I'm ashamed about losing my job, I've been avoiding calls from my family members because I don't want to tell them, they're so proud of me. I'd rather that I died successful vs broke and unemployed and a nobody.

I have a fear that I'll be trapped on this earth as a ghost and I'll never find peace.

 

[ma0]

SI really is a fucking bitch... I hope you find peace and happiness.

 

[timmy_o]

Here's something that might be reassurance to you, that I've come to realize for myself:
You are carrying out your plans to CTB because, as you said, "I can't bear being alive and I feel so much pain".
If you were, as you say, "a ghost", afterwards, you'd be a ghost knowing that you did what you felt was right.
Even if you were to somehow exist as a ghost, you'd have peace in the knowledge that you did all that you could.
I think that if ghosts (or ethereal continuations of our selves) exist, they are untethered by the physical plane, and are able to take a new perspective from that.
Hoping you find peace, @tartvinegar !

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Is it certain that you will be fired on that day? What makes you so sure?

I highly doubt your family would prefer you dead than to be (temporarily) unemployed.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

SN is arriving tomorrow, within the time frame I need to ctb before I'm fired on the 28th.

I'm getting scared to follow through. But at the same time, I can't bear being alive and I feel so much pain. And I'm ashamed about losing my job, I've been avoiding calls from my family members because I don't want to tell them, they're so proud of me. I'd rather that I died successful vs broke and unemployed and a nobody.

I have a fear that I'll be trapped on this earth as a ghost and I'll never find peace.

I get it. I'm scared too. It's a journey. An adventure. A different one without the same problems, if nothing else. For me, I meditate and allow the thoughts to come to me and acknowledge them. The fears come up that way, and I can address them and find out what I'm feeling deep down. I'll even ask my subconscious, "Am I ready? Is this the best path for me? Is there any other options?" etc. I do it before falling asleep too to influence my dreams and maybe gain some clarity there.

 

[tartvinegar]

Is it certain that you will be fired on that day? What makes you so sure?

I highly doubt your family would prefer you dead than to be (temporarily) unemployed.

They already told me I'm being fired, it's why I want to ctb and I already attempted twice last week, one of my attempts landed me in the ER but not dead.

It's been hell, the way they're treating me. And it destroyed my mental health and sense of self worth. Everything I worked so hard for just gone.
I was so happy last week, I had so many plans and things I was looking forward to. And then a 5 minute Zoom call later, poof gone, now it's just panic attacks and pain and wanting to disappear and stop existing.

 

[CravingPeace]

What an odd thing to do to fire someone in advance. Borderlines on evil manipulation if not meeting the criteria for it.

I don't have any words to explain away your fear. I feel it too. Just know you're not alone.

I feel like you and I are on very similar trajectories and it's nice to have you here. Keep us updated

 

[LaVieEnRose]

They already told me I'm being fired, it's why I want to ctb and I already attempted twice last week, one of my attempts landed me in the ER but not dead.

It's been hell, the way they're treating me. And it destroyed my mental health and sense of self worth. Everything I worked so hard for just gone.
I was so happy last week, I had so many plans and things I was looking forward to. And then a 5 minute Zoom call later, poof gone, now it's just panic attacks and pain and wanting to disappear and stop existing.

If you are comfortable sharing, why are they firing you?

It doesn't sound like a very healthy or good place to work if they treat you like that. Not that that is much consolation for losing your job and all the stress that entails..

This is a serious trauma and the direct aftermath of s traumatic experience is when thing will be their rawest. But it is important to try to be careful about making serious decisions based on your feelings during this time period.

 

[tartvinegar]

They said communication issues and that my anxiety and fear of being fired made it difficult to communicate and they don't see a path toward for me in the company and the best thing for everyone is if I exit. I've been there 8 years and they also know my mom is dying right now.

These last two weeks have been hell, I ended up in the ER after the failed suicide attempt and I still dragged myself to work Monday and everytime I have to interact with them, I have a full blown panic attack, especially now when they're just looking for any mistake so that they can use that to justify firing me. And obviously I'm making a lot of mistakes right now because of my mental headspace. This whole situation has destroyed me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand finding it painful to exist, it's so dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.