Feeling responsibility

[140 bpm]

Hello, forum
I don't really know what to do, cuz I'm ready to go and I clearly know why I want to do that and how, but at the same time I'm feeling so bad for my mother, who probably won't go through after she'll get news about that...
I'm the only child and she was growing me by herself, I've never even seen my father, and I'm pretty sure she went through a lot, to give me proper childhood, which I can't say was bad.
Bad after I've reached 21 y.o., I left from my country to US and running life here for past 5 years. I had a lot of shit happened and it was many ups and downs, and last two years I was extremely unstable, but I could find strength go through it, but not now...
Now I'm feeling really done and just wanna peace...The only thing which eating the rest of my heart is that fckn feel of guilt for person, who gave me a life...
On one side , I think it's my fckn life and my choice and I can do whatever I want, but on another side I feel, I can't be so egotistical and do that bad thing for someone else, if I know that it'll destroy her, cuz she has nobody more important than me. She literally saying that I'm her sense of life and she'll accept everything, except "jump of the bridge"...
I think being suicidal and being murderer - different things, but...

 

[The Warm Industry]

Honestly, I would think twice in your case and look for a way to deeply left any kind of feeling about this life before doing so. Despite being your choice, you should have complete awareness that doing it will probably make her go right after you. Especially if you're the only person left on her life.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@less_mess , I'm going to be direct because I care and you deserve honesty. Do with my words as you choose. I don't own your life, you do.

It's not your responsibility that she has no one more important than you. It's her responsibility. Your life is your responsibility. Her life is hers. I don't know her, but I do know her pattern -- or I suspect it -- and I suggest she will go on living. If this is her pattern, she will find others to pity her and take responsibility for trying to fix her unhappiness.

I highly recommend the book Boundaries. I ignore the Christian parts of it. It talks about guilt messages that tell us we are wrong for wanting things, for having needs, for being autonomous, and for enforcing our boundaries. It talks about how to manage the people we love who try to guilt us into owning their responsibilities, which include their wants, their needs, and their happiness.

She is an adult. Let her be one. As long as you own her life, she will never be motivated to do so, and then how much emotional energy do you have to own your own?

Please know I am not being harsh to you, nor about her. I am on your side, and if she were here, I would be firm with her. She can handle it, even if she believes she can't. She handled being a single parent, she can handle being an adult -- if she cannot, she had that problem long before you were born, and if you haven't fixed it by now, it's because you can't, only she can.

I'm not encouraging you to ctb. I'm encouraging you to be your own person and let her be hers. Then you will have a lot "less_mess" in your life. (You may even find you have the inner resources to work through your problems and live, once you're only living one person's life.)



EDIT: I recognize that I spoke pretty strongly in this comment. When I am passionate about something that I sense is unjust and is causing harm, I speak strongly about it, then I say it is up to the person I'm speaking with to agree or disagree. I do not control you, nor would I want to.

 

[seenthelight]

You are right, it is your life and you can do whatever you want and once you have gone you won't be here to see the suffering to your mum and how this will affect her life.
I want to give you the perspective of a parent. I read in other threads about family members telling the pain of their loss and other members saying 'You will soon forget and will carry on with the life, the person who CTB was in pain and it is now in peace". I can assure you we don't ever forget. We might manage the suffering but the pain does not ease off.
You don't need to "jump off the bridge" just to show it is your life. Your mum gave it to you and it is up to you to whatever you want with it. Nobody in this space will question your right to end it.
You said about many ups and downs, that it is pretty much what you get in life. Ups that feel very brief and Downs that seems endless. As Quentin Crisp said nothing in life lasts forever because life itself does not last forever, so this bad patch you are going through might soon have a brief 'Up' for a rest.

 

[Ghost2211]

We can't live only for others long term without dying on the inside.

 

[seenthelight]

We can't live only for others long term without dying on the inside.

That is not always true, many professions are essentially living for others long term. Firefights go regularly to a burning building to save people without thinking about their own life.

 

[MysticPerception]

Pretty sure my mother will grieve horribly and break down as I'm her favorite child and yet I'm going to do it anyway. Your life, your choice, your suffering. Just because she gave birth to you and raised you doesn't mean you choose to be born. She did that for her own satisfaction and enjoyment. The fact that she's okay with anything except jumping off a bridge is pretty selfish honestly. I get a mother's love makes it so she isn't just willing to let go but you should choose based on what you want not what she wants.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

That is not always true, many professions are essentially living for others long term. Firefights go regularly to a burning building to save people without thinking about their own life.

I don't smell anything burning, but I think I got a couple of whiffs of pro-life. I'm concerned.

Please forgive me if I am wrong, but your two posts -- your very first here -- along with your username, have piqued my suspicion.

 

[seenthelight]

Please forgive me if I am wrong, but your two posts -- your very first here -- along with your username, have piqued my suspicion.

No, I am definitely pro-choice, been there myself a couple of times and would definitely recommend hanging, within seconds you are unconscious and requires very little equipment.

I gave up doing it for now. While I am psychically healthy, being mobile and independently I will carry on. If I got to the long run and there is an afterlife, I will ask god WTF I was doing alive, that is how I cope dealing with my daemons when my mind tells me that there is no point.

So you might see in my posts not much of 'just do it' like many others, more like 'you are going to do die anyway, see much this shit can go and try to have a laugh about it', the decision is yours.

I understand that for some people there is no point delaying it will only be a continuous pain for themselves and maybe their families, but whatever, as I mentioned it is one's own life to take it.

The OP is feeling responsible for the pain that they will cause to their mother, and it will probably like The Warm Industry mentioned will make the mum goes after them. Yeah, there is no denying they will be responsible for the mum's suffering. However, that should not concern them much as they will be dead.

After, lurking for a while and reading the rules I thought it was OK having this position and be part of discussions.

 

[S1mpleme]

Hello, forum
I don't really know what to do, cuz I'm ready to go and I clearly know why I want to do that and how, but at the same time I'm feeling so bad for my mother, who probably won't go through after she'll get news about that...
I'm the only child and she was growing me by herself, I've never even seen my father, and I'm pretty sure she went through a lot, to give me proper childhood, which I can't say was bad.
Bad after I've reached 21 y.o., I left from my country to US and running life here for past 5 years. I had a lot of shit happened and it was many ups and downs, and last two years I was extremely unstable, but I could find strength go through it, but not now...
Now I'm feeling really done and just wanna peace...The only thing which eating the rest of my heart is that fckn feel of guilt for person, who gave me a life...
On one side , I think it's my fckn life and my choice and I can do whatever I want, but on another side I feel, I can't be so egotistical and do that bad thing for someone else, if I know that it'll destroy her, cuz she has nobody more important than me. She literally saying that I'm her sense of life and she'll accept everything, except "jump of the bridge"...
I think being suicidal and being murderer - different things, but...

I wish I had mom like yours.

 

[_Minsk]

sorry if this might sounds harsh,.. ..but if i had a child or even more, i wouldn't try to force them to stay here, i would feel like a bad parent..
for me love is, accepting the person and their view on life.. its selfish to force someone to stay, especially if that person is suffering so much considering ctb..

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

No, I am definitely pro-choice, been there myself a couple of times and would definitely recommend hanging, within seconds you are unconscious and requires very little equipment.
....

After, lurking for a while and reading the rules I thought it was OK having this position and be part of discussions.

Thank you for addressing my concern and clarifying. And welcome.

Yup, it's okay. We state our positions, and sometimes others argue with us about them! I wasn't arguing, just concerned. You're cool.

 

[randomz]

Hello, forum
I don't really know what to do, cuz I'm ready to go and I clearly know why I want to do that and how, but at the same time I'm feeling so bad for my mother, who probably won't go through after she'll get news about that...
I'm the only child and she was growing me by herself, I've never even seen my father, and I'm pretty sure she went through a lot, to give me proper childhood, which I can't say was bad.
Bad after I've reached 21 y.o., I left from my country to US and running life here for past 5 years. I had a lot of shit happened and it was many ups and downs, and last two years I was extremely unstable, but I could find strength go through it, but not now...
Now I'm feeling really done and just wanna peace...The only thing which eating the rest of my heart is that fckn feel of guilt for person, who gave me a life...
On one side , I think it's my fckn life and my choice and I can do whatever I want, but on another side I feel, I can't be so egotistical and do that bad thing for someone else, if I know that it'll destroy her, cuz she has nobody more important than me. She literally saying that I'm her sense of life and she'll accept everything, except "jump of the bridge"...
I think being suicidal and being murderer - different things, but...

Well, I think you will not feel guilt if you are absolutely sure that all your other options to get better are used. If you feel that guilt now, then maybe there is still chance for you? Maybe you can wait for the next UP in your life and it will be worth it?

 

[BadRNG]

No, I am definitely pro-choice, been there myself a couple of times and would definitely recommend hanging, within seconds you are unconscious and requires very little equipment.

I gave up doing it for now. While I am psychically healthy, being mobile and independently I will carry on. If I got to the long run and there is an afterlife, I will ask god WTF I was doing alive, that is how I cope dealing with my daemons when my mind tells me that there is no point.

So you might see in my posts not much of 'just do it' like many others, more like 'you are going to do die anyway, see much this shit can go and try to have a laugh about it', the decision is yours.

I understand that for some people there is no point delaying it will only be a continuous pain for themselves and maybe their families, but whatever, as I mentioned it is one's own life to take it.

The OP is feeling responsible for the pain that they will cause to their mother, and it will probably like The Warm Industry mentioned will make the mum goes after them. Yeah, there is no denying they will be responsible for the mum's suffering. However, that should not concern them much as they will be dead.

After, lurking for a while and reading the rules I thought it was OK having this position and be part of discussions.

Hanging is pretty messy, I always thought they just find a dead body , but apparently whoever finds you is gonna find shit or pee , and the face is gonna be messed up too..