redisblue
"cut me clean, till i can't think anymore."
- Feb 12, 2023
- 135
Hey everybody. I'm currently on holiday with my parents in another country. We arrived today and we shall be staying for 10 days. I've been to this place before and it's amazing; so many things to do and so many nice memories to make. This is my first proper holiday in many years. The problem I'm having is that during the lead up to this holiday, I didn't feel excited; I actually somewhat was dreading it. I felt like it was going to be a chore, which isn't normal for me because I've always enjoyed holidays and felt super excited for them. So far, things have gone horribly. There's been arguments and disagreements and petty comments made about one another. My father told me I need to watch my calories (saying I should watch what I eat at my age) even though I'm an underweight and stick-like person. I've struggled as well in the past with eating and food and calories, so I didn't need that bullshit. Both my father and my mother have also just sort of ignored me anytime I ask a question or try to join in on a conversation. At dinner, I kept trying to speak but constantly got interrupted. This is pretty normal, but I want so badly to not feel like shit and not feel invisible. I wish these little things didn't get to me. Is it stupid to be upset at that? I dunno, I'm used to it so I probably shouldn't be upset. Last time I was here as a kid, they wouldn't ignore me. I love my parents so much but it really does just feel like there was no point in me coming here. I would have said no but they refuse to let me stay home alone for even a day (I don't blame them honestly). I wish I was excited for this holiday, my parents are getting older and they may not be able to do a lot of things they plan to do here very soon, and my father has been so so excited for months; I don't want to ruin the mood. I really don't want to be here. I want everyone to have a good time. I also want to have a good time, but I just feel numb. I don't feel excited for anything. This is a once in probably 10 years opportunity too. How can I hype myself up and also not let my parents get to me? Maybe there's nothing I can even do. Our room is on the top floor, it's very high up and it's so tempting to jump off. I keep looking over contemplating whether or not I should just do it. But like I said, I don't want to ruin this for anybody, so I don't think I will. It's just really tempting. Also, leading up to this trip I've been feeling super dysphoric and it's getting worse everyday. I don't want to be dysphoric on holiday. I don't want to be suicidal on holiday. I don't want to be numb on holiday. Has this happened for anybody else?
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