I've only really been lurking so far, but i figured I'd make one post because i don't know where to go otherwise.
I've been depressed for a while now, but usually suicide has been more of a joke or an afterthought, but as of late the thoughts became a genuine, constant foreground matter. I just can't do it anymore, and on one hand i find comfort in the fact that i won't have to put up with everything in life anymore, and on the other something is keeping me back still.
I found a guide on how to exit using SN, and it just seems so... convenient. I've kept other plans in the back of my mind like oleander poisoning or Insulin but due to the circumstances where i live those weren't really accessible methods. but now, technically, nothing would be stopping me from going through with it.
I'm a pharmacy technician student, and this school technically only takes 2 years. It's my 4th and last year now, and if i don't pass my finals, i wont get another chance, and i... just feel like a complete failure. I lack all motivation to do anything, i failed my last year literally because i couldn't get myself out of bed anymore and everything takes such a tremendous amount of effort, and I'm just an awful learner overall. All i do usually is sleep, draw, or play games to kill time, and even those things are starting to lose the fun i once had in doing them. Everyday is just a fight to make it to bed again. Overall i'm just miserable, not accomplishing anything with my life, and have no reason nor will to stay. Due to depression i have no irl friends left anymore due to me lacking the energy to go out, and, ironically, lost another close friend of mine years ago to suicide as well.
On the other hand, even though i dont get along with my parents that well, i cant bear the thought of the impact this would have on my mother. Like what would she do when she finds out that i wouldn't wake up anymore, what would she do with my empty room, how would she have to explain to the rest of the family that I'm dead. She's the only thing that's making me feel guilty for it. i have two cats, but... i'm sure they'll be alright. They usually favor my parents over me anyway.
All in all, i told myself i'd do it somewhere around spring/summer if things don't get better, since that's also roughly when finals start. The problem is that, knowing i can just... die, it makes it so much more difficult for me than it already is to really put an effort into my life, but if i don't improve, ill drive myself into this pit even further. its kind of a hell cycle, and my thoughts keep going back and forth on it. I stopped going to the gym, i cant sit down to study anymore, i gave up trying to find a therapist because, y'know, what for if i'll be dead in a couple months?
I don't have a lot of people i could entrust this topic to. my mom would only make things worse, and i can't bring myself to talk to any of my close online friends about it because i don't want to unnecessarily worry them or be an ass for dumping something this heavy on them, so i came here.
I've been depressed for a while now, but usually suicide has been more of a joke or an afterthought, but as of late the thoughts became a genuine, constant foreground matter. I just can't do it anymore, and on one hand i find comfort in the fact that i won't have to put up with everything in life anymore, and on the other something is keeping me back still.
I found a guide on how to exit using SN, and it just seems so... convenient. I've kept other plans in the back of my mind like oleander poisoning or Insulin but due to the circumstances where i live those weren't really accessible methods. but now, technically, nothing would be stopping me from going through with it.
I'm a pharmacy technician student, and this school technically only takes 2 years. It's my 4th and last year now, and if i don't pass my finals, i wont get another chance, and i... just feel like a complete failure. I lack all motivation to do anything, i failed my last year literally because i couldn't get myself out of bed anymore and everything takes such a tremendous amount of effort, and I'm just an awful learner overall. All i do usually is sleep, draw, or play games to kill time, and even those things are starting to lose the fun i once had in doing them. Everyday is just a fight to make it to bed again. Overall i'm just miserable, not accomplishing anything with my life, and have no reason nor will to stay. Due to depression i have no irl friends left anymore due to me lacking the energy to go out, and, ironically, lost another close friend of mine years ago to suicide as well.
On the other hand, even though i dont get along with my parents that well, i cant bear the thought of the impact this would have on my mother. Like what would she do when she finds out that i wouldn't wake up anymore, what would she do with my empty room, how would she have to explain to the rest of the family that I'm dead. She's the only thing that's making me feel guilty for it. i have two cats, but... i'm sure they'll be alright. They usually favor my parents over me anyway.
All in all, i told myself i'd do it somewhere around spring/summer if things don't get better, since that's also roughly when finals start. The problem is that, knowing i can just... die, it makes it so much more difficult for me than it already is to really put an effort into my life, but if i don't improve, ill drive myself into this pit even further. its kind of a hell cycle, and my thoughts keep going back and forth on it. I stopped going to the gym, i cant sit down to study anymore, i gave up trying to find a therapist because, y'know, what for if i'll be dead in a couple months?
I don't have a lot of people i could entrust this topic to. my mom would only make things worse, and i can't bring myself to talk to any of my close online friends about it because i don't want to unnecessarily worry them or be an ass for dumping something this heavy on them, so i came here.
