Feeling, lonely, desolate sad and yes needy. I want to tell my story to leave something of me behind.

[Butterfly65]

This is the only place I can do that so read it or don't but I'm writing it. I'm not going to be here much longer, a few months more at best. It is strange to know I am here now but in a few more months I won't be. I agonize over having to leave my dog and cat behind but I have found them both good new homes for when I board the bus for my journey. I cry every few minutes of every day. I would have tried to hang on a few more years possibly but it's impossible with my circumstances.

I married a much younger indian guy ten years ago, he is a senior computer engineer. He promised he would tell his family about us in a year after we were married, he told me they wouldn't approve because I was american older with no formal career or education they would see me as a looser basically. I didn't know much if anything about the indian culture and I believed him. The first 2 years were good, but then it changed, he changed, he began treating me like shit, devaluing me and abusing me mentally, verbally and emotionally/ psychologically.

He began to resent me, he knew he made a mistake and felt trapped. Every year he would go to India to visit his family and pretend he was single. It hurt me so bad. He told me he was ashamed of me, that I was trash and he didn't know how to get rid of me. I loved him and he just wanted to throw me away. I hung on because he'd always tell me he was sorry and really did love me and want me.

5 years after we were married I suffered a spinal injury in a fall while hiking in the mountain trails. I became disabled and in a lot of pain. My health declined further and further. I was diagnosed with MS and I have so many other debilitating conditions. I became bedridden with horrible chronic intractable pain.

When I had no further use for him he discarded me completely and the abuse escalated. He would totally ignore my cries of pain, tell me to hurry up and die, tell me I should just kill myself that I'm worthless, useless waste of space, tell me he hated me couldn't wait to be rid of me on and on it went.

The last 2 years of our marriage he was cheating on me with an Indian girl his parents had set him up with. When he would go to India he was seeing her and they got engaged while he was still married to me. He came back from india at the start of covid and moved out and filed for divorce. He was still supporting me financially fully as I can not take care of myself because of my health issues. This year around the Holidays he went to India and they got married. I didn't know about her and she didn't know about me until she was going through his phone and found texts and photos ect..

He texted me and told me he's cutting me off financially by the end of summer and going back to India with his new wife. He still texts me and tells me how much he loves her, and how he never loved me.

So that's that. There is no help for me out there I have checked into all of my options. I can not be homeless, broke and live in my car in my health conditions and pain. I just can't face that in top of everything else. I can't continue to live with what he did to me, how he just threw me away like the garbage he always said I was.

So that's my story and I'll be gone soon. There's really no other viable options for me so I'm trying to come to peace with it. This life has not been kind to me at all. I was abused as a child by my own mother when my father abandoned us when I was 7 years old and everything after that was bad. I don't know if I was ever truly loved by anyone in my life.

I'm not looking for pity. I just needed to get it out. I'm suffering badly, struggling with it all. I am ready to go but I don't like having to leave my dog and cat they are my only support and source of love. I have no family or friends so I am alone. If anyone suffers from physical pain as well as psychological then you know how unbearable it can be.

My health conditions will only go downhill from here, I'm even facing blindness because I have swelling and pressure behind my eyes and my sight is going. I can't live with the physical pain or the emotional pain anymore and want to CTB while I still have a shred of dignity left.

 

[goingrealsoon]

Butterfly65,
You are so brave to share your story. Thank you for having the courage to speak up. I am so sorry for your mental and phsyical suffering. My heart is broken to hear your story and know how horrible you have been treated. You deserve love and kindness and careing and support, and dignity. You've had your share of horrible people in your life...more than your share....more than any human should have to had experience. I am so sorry for your pain. In whatever happens next I wish you peace and in whatever your choose, for your suffering to end. I also hope your dog and cat will be fine.

 

[suicide4me]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I agree with everything in the above comment, I couldn't have worded it any better, Wishing you peace in whatever you choose, I don't plan on being here much more than a few months at best either. Best of luck and peace to you friend.

 

[Regen]

I feel for you. I was in a very abusive relationship for about 16 years. It was hell and I just couldn't get away from him. If at some point there is permanent physical pain on top of my psychological problems, I won't be able to stand life anymore. I am very sorry that life is so hard for you. I wish you a human angel will come into your life from somewhere.

 

[filthyrottendirty]

I am truly sorry

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Your story breaks my heart. I was thinking about you all last night after I read this post, so angry at your piece of shit husband for doing this to such a kind and sweet person. I can tell you care deeply about others, it exudes from your love for your animals, which makes this even more tragic because you never deserved even a fraction of this pain. It is horrible that scumbag took advantage of your vulnerability.

I wish you had not been put into a position where you have this ultimatum. He should be ashamed of himself for being such a monster. The fact that he will be living happy and carefree with his mistress while you are suffering alone and feel forced to ctb is just proof that this world is so hopeless beyond measure. He is the one who is broken, not you. When you married him, he made a vow to stand by you in sickness and in health, and he should be ashamed of himself not only for breaking that promise, but being abusive and vile due to his resentment for disabled people.

Unfortunately, I know how it feels to be in this situation. Both of my ex boyfriends were abusive, one of them had groomed me when I was still in high school and I was left trapped and dependent on him as soon as I turned 18. I am disabled as well, and every person I've ever been in a relationship with has treated me horribly because of it. My first ex used to lock me up alone in a room all day because he said I was a whiny, lazy baby who killed his fun. All because I was in pain.

He would grab my wrists in public and twist them if I didn't do exactly what he wanted, and if I went mute (which sometimes happens, I have a developmental disability too) he would scream at me and tell me what an embarrassing childish bitch I am. Told me to kill myself and that people only wanted to use me because I am a pathetic whore.

Like you, I've gotten sicker as time has went on and accumulated more wear and tear to my body to the point where I am now significantly disabled. My boyfriend knows I am reliant on him and he seems to hate me for it, claiming that he has no obligation to continue to help me if he grows tired of it. He's made it clear that I'm potentially on my own and that it doesn't matter if I have no one else, no family, no support, nothing, its not his responsibility to make sure I'm not homeless.

You deserve way better than this. Disabled person should not have to fear homelessness and despair because our fate gets put into the hands of other people who don't care.

 

[BrokenArrow]

His behaviour has disgusted me. Bless you. I hope you find peace.

 

[Sunset Limited]

After reading this I think I am right to hate this existence. It feels hypocritical to say I'm so sorry for what happened to you. If we can't help you go through these, fuck that existence.

 

[FuneralCry]

This existence really is terrible. I hope you find an end to your suffering and the peace that you deserve. It disgusts me that people can be capable of such evil, I cant wait leave this world too.

 

[lanax09]

I'm so sorry, your husband sucks and it really is him that should be dying. He deserves to suffer eternal damnation for how he stole your life and happiness away like that.

 

[mini_weeny]

You have been a warrior to take all this physical and emotional pain, the way he played with your emotions is the hallmark of a heartless sociopath and he will pay someday. All that emotional abuse is really painful and on top of that the physical disability just adds a layer of terror that is unbearable . I am myself in the same situation with also no friends or family so I understand your anguish and your story resonates with me so much. I think the upside here is that you have found a place for your babies and they will be cared for. I wish things were different for you, I hope this pain can go away. I don't think your ex deserves your tears, you are a valuable person and he will get what he deserves when he is old and sickly. Please just know that ppl here, we dont know you but we think you deserve to be loved and cared for. Don't forget that you matter even if you only live for yourself you matter. Big. Hug.

Your story breaks my heart. I was thinking about you all last night after I read this post, so angry at your piece of shit husband for doing this to such a kind and sweet person. I can tell you care deeply about others, it exudes from your love for your animals, which makes this even more tragic because you never deserved even a fraction of this pain. It is horrible that scumbag took advantage of your vulnerability.

I wish you had not been put into a position where you have this ultimatum. He should be ashamed of himself for being such a monster. The fact that he will be living happy and carefree with his mistress while you are suffering alone and feel forced to ctb is just proof that this world is so hopeless beyond measure. He is the one who is broken, not you. When you married him, he made a vow to stand by you in sickness and in health, and he should be ashamed of himself not only for breaking that promise, but being abusive and vile due to his resentment for disabled people.

Unfortunately, I know how it feels to be in this situation. Both of my ex boyfriends were abusive, one of them had groomed me when I was still in high school and I was left trapped and dependent on him as soon as I turned 18. I am disabled as well, and every person I've ever been in a relationship with has treated me horribly because of it. My first ex used to lock me up alone in a room all day because he said I was a whiny, lazy baby who killed his fun. All because I was in pain.

He would grab my wrists in public and twist them if I didn't do exactly what he wanted, and if I went mute (which sometimes happens, I have a developmental disability too) he would scream at me and tell me what an embarrassing childish bitch I am. Told me to kill myself and that people only wanted to use me because I am a pathetic whore.

Like you, I've gotten sicker as time has went on and accumulated more wear and tear to my body to the point where I am now significantly disabled. My boyfriend knows I am reliant on him and he seems to hate me for it, claiming that he has no obligation to continue to help me if he grows tired of it. He's made it clear that I'm potentially on my own and that it doesn't matter if I have no one else, no family, no support, nothing, its not his responsibility to make sure I'm not homeless.

You deserve way better than this. Disabled person should not have to fear homelessness and despair because our fate gets put into the hands of other people who don't care.

Sociopathic men can damage us so much, I wish you well!!