Totally relate.
I've done some yards and amazr myself on reflection .
At the moment I'm in full 'licking my wounds ' mode ,so a lot of survival stressors are on low.
Even so , or because of that , I experience the void .
I love music and art and have the opportunity to do a bit now .
Nuffin !
That's why I liked that you tube video ( And I'm not throwing it back in your face )
about the INTENT concept .
( A therapist said "Agency " once to me years ago ... and I just didn't get it.
Then I started panic attack anxiety painting , probably re-traumatising myself with rehashed shit from the past .
Any way .
If you're not careful I'll start spamming Buddhist propoganda,
One big thing I noticed was that I remeber always rejecting with a capital R , the idea of "loving kindness"
a , because I had rarely rarely experienced it and
b, because it seemed "fake" and wrong and not how th world /reality really is . ( rather be unhappy and right than fake shit ,kind of thing )
Well , in desperation I started to mantra-ise "loving kindness" to myself " I give myself unconditional love " kind of thing.
It's real new agey woo woo stuff for me , but straight from the western Buddhist canon , not that that matters ;
It's more that the child inside us who is so lost and alone and doesn't belong needs that voice of acceptance and belonging .
Nothing you don't know already - as I have read your self hypno suggestion stuff ...
Just wanted to expand on my enthusiastic gratitude for a few differnt things clicking . Maybe . ( Obligatory disclaimer ) .
It's important to grieve to , I guess ? and own it ... I had a cry the other day .
A fucking relief - it had been years !