Story Feeling like I hit a wall with my recovery

[Zetsubou]

It's been a very long time since I've been on here. That's because the last couple of weeks have been a giant roller-coaster of emotions as I made significant changes in my life. It seemed as though things were going very well, but now it feels like I've hit a wall.

First, I've taken a leave of absence from grad school. It was a difficult decision, but I've ultimately realized that I can't continue without completely sacrificing my mental health and possibly killing myself over it. After this semester ends, I'll take a break for a few months to work on my mental health. I even thought about deleting my account because I was worried that this site would be too much of a distraction in my recovery process. Well, considering that I'm back here, you can probably guess that things aren't great at the moment.

My original plan was to set up a doctor's appointment, get some blood work and other tests done, and then have the doctor refer me to a psychiatrist. Well, the doctor's assistant is apparently against this idea and says that I'm "too young" to be on prescription meds. What the fuck? I'm 30 years old. If anything, I am long overdue for prescribed meds. Oh, but it gets better. The next day, I get informed by the doctor's office that they won't accept my insurance, so I'll need to pay out of pocket for the tests and stuff. Funny, they accepted my insurance for other things in the past, but all of a sudden, I won't be covered for the things that are related to mental health.

Whatever. I can still find a psychiatrist without a referral and do all of the blood work and whatever else is needed. The only issue is finding one who is available. And I thought I did! I looked up the website for a nearby hospital and found a psychiatrist who was available the next day. I couldn't believe my luck! I booked an appointment right then and there...and then I got a phone call from the hospital a few minutes later informing me that A) the doctor will not be in the office on that day and B) this doctor only treats residential patients. None of that was on the website. Why the hell did you not update the goddamn website? I knew this was too good to be true, yet I remained hopeful. I've learned my lesson.

So that's it for now. I'm not looking for advice, I just want to vent. I knew recovery was going to be difficult, but god, why does it have to be difficult?

 

[Valky]

Ugh. I really feel your pain and the feeling of having hit the wall and just the feeling of everything going wrong that possibly could. Recovery sadly isn't a continous road but has a lot of up's and downs. But it really is worth it.

Idk about the insurance but depending on what tests you wanna make it actually might be that you gotta be it for yourself. HIV-tests for example usually cost around 20-30€ in my country (there are exceptions ofc tho).

But fuck that assistant. No wonder she couldn't make it to be a doctor. Dumb af. It sounds more like a personal opinion of hers and she really should keep that shit to herself. I started taking meds for my mental illnesses at 13. That is so stupid..

 

[Zetsubou]

Ugh. I really feel your pain and the feeling of having hit the wall and just the feeling of everything going wrong that possibly could. Recovery sadly isn't a continous road but has a lot of up's and downs. But it really is worth it.

Idk about the insurance but depending on what tests you wanna make it actually might be that you gotta be it for yourself. HIV-tests for example usually cost around 20-30€ in my country (there are exceptions ofc tho).

But fuck that assistant. No wonder she couldn't make it to be a doctor. Dumb af. It sounds more like a personal opinion of hers and she really should keep that shit to herself. I started taking meds for my mental illnesses at 13. That is so stupid..

Thank you, I really appreciate your words of encouragement. I will continue the recovery process, but it sometimes feels like the whole world is against me at certain points (it's not, but some days are harder than others).

Unfortunately, I live in a country where everything is expensive even with insurance, and the tests will cost me around $200 without insurance. I suppose I can fork over the money, but there's no guarantee that I'll even be referred to a decent psychiatrist afterwards.

Yeah, the assistant's argument is that I'll stay on meds like antidepressants for the rest of my life. Dumb as fuck argument. If it can prevent me from CTBing, then I'll take the meds for as long as I live.

 

[Valky]

Yeah, the assistant's argument is that I'll stay on meds like antidepressants for the rest of my life. Dumb as fuck argument. If it can prevent me from CTBing, then I'll take the meds for as long as I live.

You are completely right. It is not her concern how long you gotta take them. If they make you feel better then that is all that should better. I wish those people could just keep their uneducated opinions to themselves.

I am really sorry to hear that it is that hard to get referred to a psychiatrist where you live. It is nothing like that here :/

Also, I am proud of you for deciding to take a break from your studies. I also had immense troubles with that for years but it really can be the best option. Your well being will always come first.

And I do recommand to get off this site during your recovery. I mean you don't gotta delete your account so you can always come back to vent if needed.

I really really wish you all the best, I get the feeling how the whole world seems to turn against you but I can assure you it will get better :)