feeling hopeless but don't want to disappoint anyone

[luana]

ever since i was 12 i have wanted to ctb. i was severely abused by family members and don't remember a time i've ever been truly happy. everything is superficial about me. i lie all the time and tell people i've moved on and that i'm doing better but it's far from the truth. i have wanted to ctb so bad to the point my body starts shaking and i cry non stop but the thought of my mother finding out that her daughter is no longer in this world just breaks my heart even more. so i'm trying to hold on for her. but it feels lonely. i don't have any friends. well i have 2 online friends that i really trust and i'm sure they know i'm not doing so well but they only know what's on the surface, i don't think they would ever be able to understand and i don't want them to pity me. and i live alone and ive spoken to my doctor about my abuse history and my thoughts and she is trying to get help for me. this is all a first for me. i started anti depressants at the age of 21. i've been struggling with this since i was 12 and for the first time im getting help. i remember when i was 14 and i sat at the dinner table with my a family member and at some point she told me to roll my sleeves up and she saw the marks on my wrists. she started laughing and told me "you're not self harming are you?"
i was, and she was one of the biggest reasons why. i have wondered all my life why cant i just feel happy. and sometimes i think that i don't even have a good reason to feel the way i feel. i mean...i have a house, and a job, and a loving mother and stepfather and loving siblings so why am i so miserable. but its getting unbearable and i am scared that soon i will ctb. the pain is too much and i'd rather be gone than have to feel like this. i cry everyday. i don't leave my house. i haven't been at work for almost a month because i am scared to leave my house.

i hope the doctors can help me.

 

[VioletNight]

I've heard that getting on anti depressants can increase feelings of suicide at first, so I'd say definitely try to avoid triggers and such as the pills take a few weeks to reach proper effect. Other than that you shouldn't feel guilty for having these feelings just because you have some good things irl, depression and suicidality isn't always caused by finances or relationships. I really hope that the help you're getting works and thank you for being brave enough to share this

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so horrible how many humans just create so much harm, it really sounds like you've suffered a lot and I'm sorry that you've been through all this. But anyway, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Ultracheese]

I totally understand what you mean about not wanting people to pity you. You shouldn't blame yourself for not being happy. You were in a really difficult, traumatic situation and your feelings are understandable. I hope you're able to get help from the doctors. Sending hugs and well wishes.

 

[Illidan77]

*She was the one of the biggest reasons why*

If i were you, i would took all measure to avoid interacting or meeting with those people. If it was a holiday family celebration, i would propose a second private party.
But in some cases it can't (funeral, wedding), i would try to find and stay close to one who is not toxic, or coming very late or pretend to be in call.

 

[Forever Sleep]

*She was the one of the biggest reasons why*

If i were you, i would took all measure to avoid interacting or meeting with those people. If it was a holiday family celebration, i would propose a second private party.
But in some cases it can't (funeral, wedding), i would try to find and stay close to one who is not toxic, or coming very late or pretend to be in call.

Yes- I absolutely agree. This woman sounds awful. It's disgusting to mock someone for their SH scars. If at all possible- cut them from your life.

I feel so bad for you. I had huge problems with a (suspected) narcissistic family member growing up and it wasn't till I was in my late twenties that I went to see a therapist. I didn't even talk about them then. These things stay with us. People expect us to be strong and move on but it's so difficult. We're so vulnerable when we're young and growing and learning about the world. How is it not going to affect us if something traumatic happens at that stage?

Your situation really resonates with mine. It sounds like you went through even worse though and I'm sorry. I'm also hanging on- but for the sake of my Dad. I know you feel alone. In many ways, a lot of us are alone I suppose. These thoughts aren't easy to share in real life. At least know that you're not alone here though. Many people will be able to sympathise and share what you are going through. I hope you can find some comfort here.